You feel sorry for them. And even pause back into that from time to time. Especially when you get into living free from their toxicity and you start experiencing what clear consciousness and awareness feels like. Manifesting your dreams and potential is natural and it’s really all that starts to interest you. When you’re with others. You recognize opportunities to give and tho you were empthathetic before so this aspect isn’t new. However now that you have eliminated most toxic nonsense. Your gifts come without strings. You don’t exude much toxicity at all as you have eliminated that energy and you realize just how truly it had nothing to do with you. As your awareness grows. You also come to understand how even the slightest amount of toxic nonsense really thwarts your progress. You think back to when you had possibly 6/7 or more toxic people in your life to some degree or other. And how your mind was always in a state of turmoil. Thru research you now understand that that was quite by design and you no longer have anywhere near that noise in your head. And you have to remind yourself of just why you stay away. In a nut shell. Toxic people prevent (and aim to prevent you ) from ever experiencing yourself. And since you’ve never met that part of yourself. Your convinced that the set of voices, confusion and emotional outbursts define your personality. But what they define (at least in my case was) a perfectly healthy person under a barrage of covert emotional violence that had a wide range and a long history.
Reasons for exposure continued. When the mask finally slips all the way and when this covert sabatoge is really seen for what it is and you realize that you’ve been in close proximity to narcs who aim to bring you down. You stand before many cross roads. The main one being no contact. It’s the only choice if you want to really recover. If you question the validity of that statement. Just pivot it to alcoholism and imagine an alcoholic trying get sober but still allowing themselves some wine now and then. We’ve all seen how that goes. And for the uninformed. Spoiler alert. It basically never works.
But the other crossroads. Or one of the others is exposing your truth and your story and then exposing them.
Even tho I’m still struggling with this. The part of myself which I identify as my higher self is urging me with everything she’s got into me exposing my truth and my words to help others and I know I need to and that infact I will. But I will need to write about my struggle to that at first.
The wall I always hit when I allow this debate to exist for a few minutes is this.
It’s a matter of safety.
They know the goal posts have changed. They know you know and now that means you have to think differently. Look at how diabolical you recently found out they’ve always been. When you wander thru past down memory lane. The examples of their destruction and abuse are legion. And now that you understand that they have a condition which explains it all. This brings about a certain level of peace. Even within the horrors of the initial phase of no contact. But you see that your so call “family” was actively working against. What does that mean now. That you threaten them. That your very existence has basically becoming a living nightmare for them. The human embodiment of their worst fear. Exposure of the truth. All of their shame back to them. Obviously it’s just and obviously it’s justified. But we know how many times we turned the other cheek when that was the case. So it’s still in me to do just that. But where I hit a wall is that my last encounters with the narcs in immediate family were dark in shocking ways. I’m saying that matter of factly. It lead to extensive research where it all is explained and understood. So many examples of exactly the same type of covert behavior. There is no doubt in my mind about what this is. The doubt is only how dark are they willing to go. Is my mothers constant suggestions about how sick I can be. How I’m a garbage dump and concern and suggestions of throat cancer when she hears my gravilly voice. That doesn’t mean she really mean she really wants me dead does it? I mean she’s my mother right?
But the truth is I don’t know the depths of the darkness they are willing to go. What I do know is the depths of darkness they have already gone. Which is plenty for me to understand that exposure is the only protection. The only choice. They operate in darkness. Like rats.
In the darkness they win. In the light we do.
I don’t want to expose my family in this world of Facebook and instagram. There’s something shameful about the whole affair and you know it’s so deep and so real that you’ll receive perhaps a lot criticism and opposition. But you have to question where is that coming from. Recovery from this is about learning to stand on your own two feet and speaking your truth no matter the fall out. No matter whether others approve this course of action or not. The truth is this disease operates covertly and by appearances. Narcs seem to be only concerned with how things appear rather than with how things are. They are quite good at making it all look normal on the surface. But it’s not. And just as they put their guilt and shame and fear on others. They also weigh them down with the burden of their secrets. Had they not recently gotten extreme with me. I would have carried it. And this isn’t pay back for that. That was only the wake up call. No what this is. Is hopefully a benefit to others. Which frankly would make my purpose complete. And the only thing stopping me from doing that is to carry the burden of a secret (that’s not really mine) for someone who has shown me in no uncertain terms that they want me dead.
That’s reason enough. But here’s the clincher. Just how safe are you until that gets done.
I had to write my own family that if I wound up dead they would be exposed. I told them that I had witnesses to all this and that I had warned people that if anything should happen to me to look at them first. Half a year or so later. Unemotional. Doing really great actually. Do I think that was a paranoid over the top message. No I do not. No I do not. May you never have to write a message like that. I don’t know what my family is capable of but I do know my dads got a bunch of guns with laser sites and I ain’t trying to go out like Marvin Gaye. Namaste.
The time for nightmares is over. Now is a time for meditation and emotions you can see coming regardless of your wishes however you just let yourself invite them all in. When I write like this I hope you know I’m no one. No one is here. Just words presenting themselves. And it’s my job just to take em down without judging to harshly. It’s easy. When I’m in the flow. It’s coming from the real deep part. The same part of me that is you. And none of us and all of us. No one is writing this.
I would have carried their shame to my grave. Probably without even deeply investigating it. Had they just been able to be even slightly nice to me. Or just not as destructive as it got. I’m loyal to the core. So I had to be forced out. And it’s always been that way. Not that I’ve always been the sane one. I speak now on romance. I’ve given my share of nightmares away. But it was never my intention.
I would have carried it. But was forced out into the abyss. And by their design. As is a pattern we’ve all seemed to face. Give or take. The abyss can destroy you. In fact will destroy you. But it need not kill you. And then you are out there with no one and nothing but time and confusion. A heart so broken that it betrays it to call it a broken heart. It’s more broken than that. It’s shattered. If you are to survive it. You have to embrace a warrior mentality. It’s not that fun at first. It’s a bit fun at first. But it gets ecstatic and elastic and bad ass. It gets really fun in a really fun new way. You start operating from a new thought center. You feel guilty for your progress. Success is hard to take it turns out. You tell that particular version of Satan to just go ahead and get behind you. And you keep moving. Their gift keeping engaged in the structure. What choice do you have. I suppose that depends on how destroyed you got. If you were like me. You got all the way destroyed. And then like waves destruction kept coming. Until everything was destroyed. From there. With exception of some lapses into some drug behavior and sex. Which quickly corrected every time it would happen. Until one day it didn’t happen at all. And it really seemed like it would never happen again. Course you smoke the weed. That’s just common sense. It’s the best by far treatment for cptsd. Your other option is xannax. Bitch please. That shit is poison and a vehicle for destruction. You don’t want a pill habit. Liberate yourself from that nonsense. Edibles I found particularly helpful in the early stages of recovery. Can’t imagine doing it without them. Psychedelics are also of great benefit. More on those in the future. Outside of that and some coffee. Fuck drugs. No drink. No speed. No pharmaceutical crap. Drugs are media. One must be careful of the messages they are receiving from the outside. Haven’t we learned that by now and the hard way? You can trust some weed. Not xannax. You can trust psychedelics. Not alcohol. Not cocaine. Not meth. Cmon we all know this shit. I knew it forever. But it was yet another way I lived below my core values. I didn’t really know better. Or I did but I didn’t know how to stop.
But the point I was trying to make is if you come from a place of infinite bottom then your potential becomes infinite providing you survive it. Which you did. Strange when people try to rob your health. It has a way of permentantly moving the goal posts.
I would have carried their shame. All the way. All they had to do was at least keep acting nice. I’m being reductive of course. They were far from nice the whole time. I just finally learned to see it. And now I’m forced to tell my story. For my health and sanity. For my protection. Because people I love and care about have been lied to about me. And because the truth as always will set you free. I don’t think they could have stopped what they have done even if they wanted too. But I also think they didn’t want too. I could carry their shame but I’d rather save the world. Even if it’s only my world that I save.
Frankenstein and the programing that you weren’t lovable
Just trying to cope
Like Igor who had the Absess that was mistaken as a hump.
Ignored. What did you do about it?
Adopt a False person to appease. Like Igor pretending to be a humpback circus freak.
Their entire existence could be described as a bad commercial for the secret.
“Dear god man you’ve lost your mind ! What ever could you mean? I mean explain yourself at once!!”
Ok allow me to do just that.
I’ll try and break it down in rapid fire bullet points see if they can’t hit the skull of this condition. Know what I’m sayjng?
Your mind was largely made by lunatics and worse than that. Goons. Not even terribly attractive or intelligent goons. In other words your mind and most of the thoughts in it is pieced together by scotch tape crashing bottles elmers glue a smacked face duct tape total disregard candle wax and papa smurf doing weird things. With information blended in which sometimes manages to sneak into all that hi jinx and give you a decent thought now and again. But mostly it’s just nuts and bolts and whole lot of toxic shame cross dressing at the nuclear party at the end of the world.
“Well that’s just shit!” I hear you say
Precisely my boy per – dice -Lee
Your mind is a shit box. And worse yet filled with the shit of strangers. Who at this point, your own family have shown they essentially are. Or worse. When’s the last time strangers came gunning for you? But I digress.
Your mind is a shit show. I bet your so bored of its mediocre ramblings that you’d give just about anything to turn that shit off.
Which is where the secret comes in or more precisely the excellent work of manifestation maestros like dr joe dispenza and Robert Lanza combined with and in line with Buddhism and its intelligence regarding the power of meditation and basic ways in which it operates and functions. Demystifying it for you and giving clear pathways from your shitbox mind into the deeper realms where not only is manifestion possible but probable as well. A sea change in perception.
And who brought all this on? All this investigation? They did.
You would happily or not so happily gone status quo don’t upset the apple cart too much to still be able to hang onto this false reality with the narc. When you go no contact it becomes clear how and why this has been so damaging to your ability to get passed a certain point. You framed your entire reality on a core lie or a group of them. You then went off into the world and didn’t quite fit in or get it somehow. You play acted like you did and since many others were doing the same it wasn’t impossible to blend except for sometimes. In certain situations (remember all those painful times. Remember from where you’ve come)
Your map of reality was so fucked and peculiar. You could really only operate in the vortex of toxicity. That’s not to say that within that there weren’t good times and even enlightened ones. It’s just to say that it was never really authentically that way. Not fully anyhow. And that was good enough for you. It already far outweighed anything you ever saw for yourself. Who could ask for anything more? The commercial goes and it’s echoing your programming which just says don’t you ask for anything more.
But now you see this for what it is. And not only now are you bored by the thoughts in your mind you understand that the ones rooted in fear and shame aren’t your own but the shit of strangers. So you’ve no interest in protecting them under the construct called you. They no longer are you. They are the sickness to cleanse. You no longer identify yourself with them. You do so now with your higher mind. The no mind. The big peace that’s been with you forever. The eternal unchanging from before birth to after death mind. That’s who you become.
“So how’s that like a commercial for the secret”??
Well because from your new perspective manifestation happens naturally and easily. Your not working against yourself and it becomes painfully obvious whenever you lapse and so you lapse less and less until you hardly lapse at all. You’re a fighter now. A warrior. A champion. You no longer have or allow the shit of strangers to get in the way.
They’re a bad commercial for the secret. Turn the channel on your consciousness. Or better yet just turn the tv off and let yourself be.
I feel like this blog is a manifestation of the narcs in my life fear more than of my own vision. The way fear when focused on and acted upon will bring the feared result. The narcs in my life pushed me to a point where my survival became hinged on this expression. In energetic terms you could say they urged me to do this thru malignant motivation. You could also say that perhaps on some level knowing that they only had access and power in the realms of destruction so that they decided they should sacrifice themselves by making it plain to me what they are and what they represent to the expression of my life. You could almost say that. But you would be very mistaken indeed. However the end result is the same. Their dismantling of your existence has lead you here. To the precipice of self discovery. You hadn’t imagined the carnage that lay before you. You didn’t bargain that your own family meant you no good at all. That part still doesn’t sit well. Perhaps it never will. Should things like that ever sit well? Perhaps not. But things like that don’t need to sit well when you set your sights on redemption. Where as revenge is not possible. Redemption is probable. Where as revenge will drive you down. Redemption will bring you up. Where as revenge keeps you in their toxic grasp. Redemption helps you transcend all. Where as revenge is you staring at an empty wall. Redemption lets you hear the call. Where as revenge still keeps them in your mind. Redemption allows the light to find. Where as revenge will keep you trapped and blind. Redemption gives time you can rewind.
Redemption is probable so long as you go no contact. Impossible without that. They’re venom is exact subtle and strong. All the awareness in the world can’t really protect you. Not now any way and not for a long time. There is no revenge like redemption and for the redeemed no need for revenge at all. Just love and mercy and the ability to dream and see it thru. Which the narcs have taught you to be grateful for. You could say they are great teachers. But not how their fragile self concept would have them be. Rather they are teachers of how not to be. Light only exists in relation to darkness. You wouldn’t know how precious your gifts are without realizing just how voided so many who go thru the stations of this life actually are. There is no revenge for those who have no light which serve frames for you to see your own. It’s all about redemption baby.
Tom hanks. Embedded language and how I wish I could still remember.
This shit is like cast away
You’re Tom Hanks
The volley ball head is YouTube. You talk to yourself to break the silence. You’re not really being crazy after all you’re at least aware that you’re talking to yourself. Things don’t start getting weird till you carry out lengthy conversations and also throw jokes at empty walls that you laugh at yourself. You are being isolated. And you are isolating. For once everyone and everything is working in concert designed for one unified horrific but glorious concern. And that is your solitude. Just as the skin that’s been cut naturally heals itself providing conditions are favorable. Your emotional well being will do the same now that your condition is finally favorable to this natural process. You will be a witness to yourself being braver than you thought possible and in surprising ways. New passions will arise for things like sport and self education. And gratitude like never before coupled with self care and view to your health which arises from the fact that never before have you been in the position to explore your authentic self. You may even think with fear that you crossed the finish line. But the shot you heard was only the beginning of the race. This realization ever increasing makes you send up the prayer to be given the time to explore this new magnificent reality. Which leads to you valuing your own time in such a way as never before. It’s hard even to think of all the years of effort you invested into a black hole. All of that pain. All of that confusion. And now that you know what it’s about. What can you do about it? Where is the revenge? There is none to be had. There’s nothing like revenge for a crime such as this. Death wouldn’t be revenge. In fact that would probably only relieve them. As it would destroy you completely. You can’t go now and torment them for years on end in a covert mission to zero in on their ability to take care of and realize themselves. There is no revenge here. Nothing even close to like it. Some call no contact revenge. I couldn’t disagree with that more. No contact should never be called something as lowly as revenge. No contact is simply your only line of defense against these predators. No contact is your armor in a battle you were thrown into against your will. That’s not revenge. That’s protection. It’s as basic as breathing once you understand the rules of engagement with the severely personality disordered. I don’t want revenge on my family. In fact I don’t want them to suffer at all. I still love them. I just know what and who they are. I’m glad they made that clear to me in a cacophony of over the top displays which crescendoed into total absurdity. That’s how bad it got before I jumped the ship. I stuck around forever. I didn’t split til I almost died. Plane and simple. I left because I had to. Because they gave me no choice and then I gave them no choice back. But I didn’t do that for revenge. Although yes I was completely outraged and in the depths of this thing as you are consumed by darkness. You claw and scratch and bite like a cornered stray and I can assure you I was not so even headed about all this as I am now. Now I don’t take any of it personally. They are as predators in the wild and with as much control. It’s as simple as that.
No contact is your shelter in the jungle and right now within that shelter you are protected, you can bide your time and you can heal. Just outside of that shelter are all the wild cats lions tigers snakes and spiders that you can imagine. Staying in that shelter isn’t revenge upon those predators lurking just outside. No contact is just your basic protection. No contact is your shelter.
I think the distinction becomes important because healing from narcissistic abuse means to get free and clear from their toxic energy and the environment that that creates and also how that environment naturally makes one incapable of being fulfilled. People like us don’t like living in energies such as revenge. That comes from them. It was their infringement on your basic human rights which lead to this supposed need for the bullshit that is revenge. There is no revenge in nature. There is simply survival. Understanding that they have no choice. That they are no more than puppets of destruction and damned to live that way. Knowing that should be vengeance enough for you and don’t be surprised when that knowledge actually turns back into compassion and forgiveness towards your abusers
Your ability to see this all for what it is will enable you to truly transcend the torment you’ve been thru. You will have strength this time with your compassion and you will understand that on a fundamental level your no contact is not only not revenge but rather a form of love. Firstly for yourself but then by extension of the laws of the universe. Love for them as well.
You may be asking yourself if you stepped into a minefield. Allow me to answer that question for you. Yes you have. And there’s even more bad news to report. It’s been carefully constructed for specifically you. Each mine placed where they know you will step before you step there. I can hear you say. So what’s the good news. Well sadly there isn’t much good news. Your entire life as you know it is done. As you know it. So for your life in that way I have no good news for you. I have only catastrophic news for you. But after you wipe away the grit from the explosion of your whole life. Just after that there is all kinds of very good news indeed. But still. If you’re in the explosion phase it’s gonna get worse before it gets better. For me it blew thru my life like a white hot flame. I was ostracized to the extreme. And my family couldn’t wait and didn’t even hide the fact of them getting there piece before I went all the way down. They all showed me their fangs. Clear as a street sign on a sunny day. But this in the end was the ultimate gift for me. My whole life got blown apart on such a profound level that it lay before me like something thrice demolished and yes I said thrice. From destruction comes redesign and reconstruction in this dope way you can’t see yet. I’m trying to give you a preview of things to come so you hold on in this absolute obliteration of your life. Your authentic self will finally meet you. And you don’t know just how profound that is just yet. For that gift you have to fight. You have to go no contact. You have to see how prevalent this shit is in your life. For me it was all the way to the core. I suspect that’s how it is for most. It only stands to reason. You would be wise to pay close attention and don’t be surprised by what you find. In my case it got all the way dark. You take that as you want. But I’m just saying it’s not a simple thing you’re dealing with. But just beyond this horror story is a love story between you and yourself. I can’t speak beyond that because that’s where I’m at. Im thru the other side of one part of this but not all the way thru. Maybe we never are. I just hope the people that up the road ahead of me will give me a sneak peek of what I’m fighting for too. That’s how we help each other. That’s how this works. You can accept the love you feel here as genuine. It is. You are my brother and my sister if you have endured what we have. And you know what I mean by that and that’s just what I mean. You know what I mean. And I know that you know. The fact that we don’t know each other specifically or in traditional ways doesn’t mean this love isn’t real. Think of all the love you thought was real all thru your life. All that you sacrificed and gave for it only to find that not one part of it was real. And infact the very opposite was what was really going on. So don’t worry about finding your love sources where you can. You will to get creative here. This is a lonely process thru which you transcend the loneliness and find true power in being alone. It’s not easy but my God is it beautiful. Your life may feel and may in fact be completely destroyed right now. But please understand that just on the other side of all that is the biggest gift you can possibly imagine.