To my ex parents.
You dirty rodents need to get a storage space somewhere. And put all the art work I ever gave you. All of the paintings I gave you. They were given under a false premise and so therefore they are stolen.
If you dirty fucks don’t do that and within a month. Watch what happens.
I’m not fucking around with the bullies anymore.
I’m the new fucking bully.
Bow down you fucks.
Oh and too everyone else
Good morning and namaste 🙏
Ps. Let’s consider a retribution settlement.
I’d say you dirty fucks need to put some money in my pocket. In the very least. I’d say
Pps. Oh susan don’t worry. I haven’t forgotten about you. You dirty creep. It’s coming. Have a great day.
80 west towards and then thru Ohio.
I turned my day well around.
Found my footing after triggering myself with this damn blog. You’re welcome. The things I do for you;)
I just got my perspective right. Found a way to bypass my small self driving without endangering the lives of others. And I made it all the way thru Ohio. An electrical storm like I’ve never seen before punctuated statements from my new fave YouTube npd healer. Soul GPS. Check her out.
All these moments of synchronicity, to over the top to ignore.
Joe Dispenza talks about it. The universe will give you signs when you are transforming, that you are in fact in the right path. A juggler came up to me at one service area. Juggling these orange balls against a dark purple and blue sky. Right under a big red stop sign.
He was talking about family traditions and how I should juggle at every rest stop. And as I thanked him, walking to my car, he said thank you back in such a way that made me stop in my tracks. It was an odd thank you, I hadn’t done anything that deserved thanks, not for him anyway, and he leaned into it, he didn’t say it under his breath or as a matter of course. He said after a pause and he said hard. It couldn’t have been more clear to me what he was thanking me for. Whether he knew it or not.
At one point he said you should get some balls and take em in your car. But the thing was is I already had em in there. They’re good training for boxing. Specifically juggling. I mean what are the chances? And when the man approached me, I was facing the other way taking a snap. Plus he was a family man. This wasn’t a cruising scenario. Besides sex doesn’t happen for me anymore. Lol.
Down the road after the juggler about fifteen minutes I saw the biggest and most vivid rainbow I’ve ever seen. And it was complete.
Then driving by Akron, the electrical storm was intense. It was dark then. The sky still communicating with me.
The sky was a symphony of electricity. Beautiful patterns flicked and poofed into a natural firework display. The timing of it seemed odd. I mean, it was going nuts as I drove by the exit I would used to go to the home I no longer have there. Could have been a coincidence but it felt like communication to me. It just felt that way and so I spoke back. But I’ll leave that between me and him.
I had so many thoughts on the drive. Most of it, I kept silent. No radio. No podcasts. Didn’t get into the YouTube thing til late in the drive.
A few things occurred to me.
One being, and I think this is an interesting idea. with exposure of these soul criminals and with awareness of their tactics booming and booming again. The scene has changed. The power is veering in our favor and that train isn’t gonna stop in my opinion.
And just as all things evolve, so then does this abuser/abused dynamic of the NPD universe.
Here’s conventional wisdom
” you can’t beat them and there is no revenge”
” the best revenge is going no Contact and learning to thrive”
Yeah no that’s not gonna work for me.
I’m there already. I mean, I’m at the baby stage of being there. The training wheels are still on, but for all intents and purposes, the last bit of this particular mountain to climb, is just the top scenic part mostly, where I get to scope out this amazing knew view and pat myself on the back for what great job recovering I did. And then go see how this new awesome self esteem combined with my new rad body does out there in the world, which will no doubt just open its legs wide open for me.
That’s not what I want.
That’s not in keeping with what just happened to me.
And what has happened to so many of us.
But I’m not fighting so much for the people checking out this blog, or the people populating YouTube and finding all this amazing information and healing as I have . I love all those people, and want to help them, and am of them. But the truth is, those people will probably be alright, if they’re already exploring this. And all the info is already out there. I can share my opinions but, outside of that, shits covered.
My fight is for the me who didn’t make it.
How many of them have there been?
How many are dying or dead right now.
At this point the jig is up. I was explaining the toxic behavior of one of these rodents who worked for me for about three minutes. To two people recently, one of them laughed instant recognition as if to say, “got it” in a laugh, was understood, was validated. The conversation could keep moving in a flow. Suffice to say what I was describing was not vague toxic behavior. It was over the top. As I said one person let the conversation flow. No need to double back. The other person instead paused it all ” so you think he did that on purpose?”
I just walked away. This person was full grown
And was like
” why would someone do something like that”
I just said
I don’t know you’re a full grown human
And you mean to tell me you’re gonna sit there and act like you don’t know about this dynamic that occurs in humanity.
But of course they knew, this was them, attempting to stress me, it was obvious. Too obvious. Stupidly that way.
I can see this shit now so much better. You can basically pin it down to stress. If someone is stressing you out, somewhat consistently, they are doing it in purpose. Plain and simple.
Which brings me to the point I’m trying to make which is
The dynamics here are evolving very rapidly. And with evolving dynamics comes the destruction of conventional wisdom and the opening of new conventions.
Before awareness of this disorder went wide
The conventional wisdom of
Pick up your broken toys. (The ones they didn’t steal) let yourself heal. Move on and get on with your life, there is basically no retribution for the crimes ( and by crimes I mean, rape, attempted murder, larceny, brain washing/mind control etc. serious crimes) and yet, even tho we, as a very massive community of experts and doctors and shaman and high level professionals across many different walks of life. Even tho we’ve outlined and analyzed ad infinitude the myriad of ways these crimes are committed, we have no legal recourse? Really? I don’t believe that. This is the modern world.
If we all get bold and name names. Stop being as careful as we’ve been. I think we’ve been careful to a fault. I think their fear is still very much controlling the tone and rules of the game. And just there…. the concept of a game.
That’s another thing we hear a lot.
I’ve said it myself a shit ton, and that’s this….
You’ve heard it before.
” it’s like we were playing a game I didn’t know we were even playjng until it was too late. ”
But is it too late?
And who says when the game ends?
And why should I end it right when I learn the rules?
I don’t know about you, but I like winning games.
I’m not gonna lose this one. Who you talking too.
I’m gonna lean into the game, now that I know that’s what we were doing.
Now that I know the rules. Let’s do this. I’m a sport. I like a good round as they say.
Now don’t get me wrong.
I’m not suggesting you ever speak or look or give a fuck about the narc ever again. I strongly advise no contact.
They are pond scum and shouldn’t be given another thought. I agree with all that
But that doesn’t mean you can’t still win the game
And for me, I don’t need to spend any extra time on the psychopath, in order to easily bring her all the way to her knees and make her regret ever putting my name in her mouth.
Now that I know the game and the rules
I can obliterate this mental pimple with as much ease as having a coffee while taking a morning dump after a night watching Netflix and eating prunes and dates.
One is name her. I did that. Not gonna do that here cause, it would stink up this page and I like this page clean. In fact for now on let’s refer to her as Dottie
So I don’t have to be near the stink of her actual name.
Let’s all come out of the shadows. Let’s name our abusers
And let’s not be afraid to name ourselves. And own what they did to us. No shame. Especially since, Dottie is gonna wind up in a cell. Watch.
Here’s an idea 💡
Now we’ve moved the goal posts and we are exposing these vampires
We should create networks which ban together
What do we know about these predators?
We know they’re always on the make
We know they’ve left behind a trail so long it would stagger us and boggle our minds.
I’m gonna relapse right now for clarity
And revert back to Dotties real name
What if I started posting all over the place
” looking for other victims of Quinn Falconer. Interested in pursuing criminal charges. There is strength in numbers. I know at least One of you was institutionalized. I nearly died and should have been institutionalized. I’m sure there are many of you and if we combined evidence and resources, we could easily put her behind bars where she belongs. And protect future victims of this dangerous thug”
See how easy that is?
I’m not bogged down
I’m not obsessed
I’m still focused on my hopes and dreams and my tour
My life is all the way on track
That’s just a text and it’s therapeutic to boot
And yet it has the real potential to lock up a criminal and also prevent that criminal from harming others as easily.
Now imagine if that became a matter of course for victims of this
So it wasn’t strange at all
And so the court systems got used to cases like these
The tactics became second hand in court and easy to prove.
And the understanding of how criminal this behavior actually is became common knowledge.
It’s where we are heading, I’d just like to get there soon. I wanna see Dottie locked up. Not for me so much. I’m fine. I got away and my life is way better for it all honestly. But I’m made out of stronger stuff than most. And if I almost died, and these predators only get worse, and I know what and who she is. Then I bare a moral responsibility to stop her.
I’m not gonna go “taxi driver” as I said I felt like doing when triggered. That’s a feeling and it’s good to express
But stupid as fuck to do. I got a great llife, ain’t gonna throw it away for a piece of shit.
But I’d pursue legal recourse partnered up with some of her other victims. She couldn’t fight multiples.
None of them could
And yet we know they all have many victims.
Is there something I’m missing?
We would see a real change and shift in power that was I think very big
Because as it is
I think narcs actually like this new dynamic of awareness
It makes the game more challenging for them, a bit, but they’re too clever at manipulating to really be thwarted at all. They have work arounds and all this awareness really just gives them new and sick ways to deceive.
I think we will see real change when there are real consequences which are dealt to the narcs by the legal system. That’s when we will see them rattled.
Turns out it was just a mood
I don’t live in that kind of anger. But I don’t really want to edit out that side of things on this blog. I want this blog to encompass a wide range of emotions. That’s what you encounter recovering from this. To pretend outrage doesn’t exist would be bullshit. Turns out a lot about my life was bullshit. Let this blog then be an accurate reflection.
I mostly don’t allow anger too much space. I work so hard everyday to deal with these emotions in a healthy way. Basically training as if I’m about to box a champ. Meditating as if I’m about to meet Buddha.
And eating nothing but cold press juice and snacks that say things like ‘namaste’ on the package.
Don’t judge weed. My last blog post was pre weed and I was triggered. Self triggered actually. This blog triggers me. Excavating my past triggers me. I don’t want to deal with this. Not when I’m on the road. But writing, once the flow opens, is hard thing to put down. The mind just goes there and then you need to write something else. And with writing, the edgy stuff, the stuff you regret posting, the real shit is also where the blood is. So my policy here is to be loose about it.
If I make a fuck up or say the wrong thing, well…
allow me to apologize in advance. No doubt I will or have done.
But I’ll be damned if anyone really has really figured out the best way of dealing with a situation like this. I’m all ears. However I disagree with much of the conventional wisdom.
“Never call out a narc”
“Don’t let anyone know your alone”
“Be careful who you say what to”
Basically be a quiet little mouse. Recover and get in with your life and forget about all this you can’t do anything about.
Are you sure about that? And why not?
The “mistakes” I’ve made in my recovery have served me.
The big one, is calling a narc out, but when I did that relationship ended quickly.
Rather than months of grey rock and time wasting. Just done.
Doesn’t feel like one now.
I guess to put it another way, I think we as a community fear narcs too much. Which makes sense in a one on one with them as they drop their poison with percission. And no contact is your only choice. But in the cold light of day. Once you’ve recovered to a degree. Once you start building a community of support.
I feel obligated to protect future victims by exposing these predators. I feel a moral responsibility to do that.
It would be easy for me to ride off into the sunset and become a big success now.
And just brush all this under the rug.
But that’s not how I see it. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night, knowing others, even more vulnerable than me are in line to be destroyed. I ain’t having that.
But the road triggers me.
And in particular the road today which has my car on course for Ohio which I have to drive thru in order to make Chicago.
Reminds me of getting thrown in a cell during the holidays. And almost getting thrown in a cell the year before for the same reason. That reason being that I’m going back into the past now.
But I don’t want to go there.
I need to meditate and train and have a cold pressed juice. I’ll be alright.
Driving thru Ohio.
That’s a big trigger. Driving right by the old house.
In days passed I would have stopped and stayed. Wonder what the reaction would be if I stopped in for a cup of tea now? Boggles the mind.
I’m good tho. Don’t worry about me. That last post was written from my cptsd.
A very big part of recovery is learning to deal with cptsd.
Sometimes I’m good with it. Sometimes not so much.
As I said weed helps. Meditation is a must as is rigorous exercise and sleep.
The road is robbing me of those things. Not all the way but I was doing little else with my time before this tour than those things. And now it’s tough.
You only can get a few hours sleep before getting in the vehicle and going somewhere else. Finding time to meditate is becoming more difficult. And the exhaustion from the road is eating significantly into my ability to train at level I need too.
Not to mention the food out here is just processed garbage.
I think I’m just back on the material plane And not all that joyous about it.
The shows have been great though. Maybe even better than that. The hard work is paying off. Like I said, I see success in that realm as easy now.
Inevitable. But that’s not even my battle anymore.
I’m frustrated today. I woke up alone in a hotel and it took a second to even know where I was or why I was there.
It’s tempting for me to feel sorry for myself and just straight up rebel against God out of anger for what he put me thru by putting me in the environment I was raised in.
I don’t know I guess, in dealing with recovery and waking up to the reality of this condition, it just reframes my life in a way that makes the whole thing quite a lot darker than the already dark, I thought it was.
In short I’m pissed off and there’s no one I can really express that too besides God.
And who else is there to really blame? I could blame my parents, but my dad had a nightmare of a childhood that he would talk about all the time. It’s funny how I wasn’t really aloud to do the same thing.
My mom too must have had some shit go down to become what she’s become. I don’t know, that side of the family was always the “light” side. The West Virginia good natured side, wasn’t abusive when I’d visit my grandparents there. I used to love it when I was a kid. The four hour drive to WVA My cousins and reprieve from the onslaught. Not a total reprieve of course. But my father would be on slightly better behavior around others.
And so if this is just a chain of abuse where I am merely the last link, I guess it can end with me, and that’s all fine, but where do we put the blame?
Whose fault is all this bullshit?
I seriously now just consider this life a station to get thru. My life only makes sense in that context. Outside of that it’s a wall of pain.
I was always fighting to get into a position to be able to get healthy, I was just doing it backwards is all. I was trying to make my external reality ideal so that I could focus in on getting the inside together. Proper resources is something we need. Or something we think we need.
But no matter how much effort. No matter how diligently and hard I worked. And I worked hard. (There is a solid history of that. ) Things wouldn’t connect. People would always say “why doesn’t anyone know who you are? You’re so good. It’s a shame !”
I’d hear that all the time. Daily almost.
And not to brag but I know and have always known down to my core that I’m the best alive. How or why do I know that. Don’t know. I just do.
But you have to be to survive what I’ve survived.
The weight of dreams is tremendous coming from the world I did.
I hear Mike Tyson talk about the same thing. That same knowing that he was the best. He just knew.
He came from an environment like mine.
Meaning a loveless and hard environment where abuse was the lay of the land.
If you don’t cave into becoming a narc when raised this way, you become something else, you become a champion.
I am a champion.
But there are days. Like today where I wake up pissed off. And I feel like going taxi driver on these fucks.
These people who bully little kids. Should they not just be shot in the fucking face.? And by the way. To any of you toxic fucks reading this. Please come at me. I fucking dare you. I’m so ready to mix it up. Try me.
Getting raised in a torrent of abuse has 6 million disadvantages but one advantage (and it’s a big one) is my threshold for pain is off the charts. I can take more than anyone I know. It’s an advantage once you wake up, but it also explains how other predators can more easily get in a destroy people like me. Quinn Falconer has a history of destroying people which she brags about. The relationship she had before me, she bragged about putting him in an institution. And I believe it. The last night I saw her, after the whole con was revealed, I brought the institution her last bf went into. I said “you did all this on purpose and you’ve done it before!?” She had told me that her ex wound up in an institution because of Aderal. But I started to see suddenly the real reason was her. And discard, I said “you’ve done this before” she just looked at me and smirked and said slow and cool “yeah….but it’s never been this bad before”
I believe her. My threshold for pain is off the charts.
If I ever do step into a boxing ring, I would have to be out cold to stop. I will never quit and I can take it. I can take anything.
Quinn was pure evil. Actual evil. I name her because, why the fuck wouldn’t I? It’s my responsibility to warn others about her. She seriously tried to kill me and almost succeeded. Almost. I’m not afraid. These fucks have pushed me to blow up my whole life. Nothing is more dangerous for them right now than me. Does that put me in harms way? Probably
Do I care? No I don’t
Because I’m also mad at God and in my way, I’m kind of daring him. Like
What else you got?
You can’t make this shit worse.
My life bottomed out so hard. That really
What the fuck should I be scared about?
This whole world could tell me to fuck off and die and then maybe I would. But the toxic fucks that fucked with me need to watch their backs now.
My strength is coming back
And none of the abuse is sitting particularly well with me.
Not particularly well at all
I disown my family. I have no family
I have nobody basically
I’m totally alone here
Not afraid tho.
The narcs in my life created a high powered suicide bomber set up to blow up their reign of terror. They fucked up. I’m going to keep coming at them until their life resembles the nightmare they put me thru.
Exposure is revenge. They don’t bargain on it. I’m gonna just do it. Make the whole thing transparent. That’s where I win, cause I have nothing to hide.
I’m not gonna stop. All will be revealed.
So much is already.
I have a list of names. Anything happens to me and you will be investigated all the way. I’ve set that protection up already. Please try me. Give me a way to end your life without consequence.
Know that I want to do that and Also please smear me more. Make my life a little worse and see what happens to your face.
Make it just little worse and see what I do to you.
I’d recommend to any of my abusers out there reading this, if you see me walking down the street, you ought to cross to the other side. Don’t come at me with fake smiles or concern. If you catch me on a day like today, I’ll be happy to take this all the way dark. I’ll be happy to end you.
Or maybe I’m just in a mood.
The caterpillar goes in chrysalisHanging by a thread
I’m not as concerned anymore with details of my story. It’s a disgusting barage of all the greatest hits. All the angles of abuse covered in full. Some overtly. Some covertly. But covered. They left no stone unturned. And of course they didn’t. You were their project remember?
I’m not interested in revealing a laundry list of details. All of our stories at root really read the same. The abuse takes on many forms but at a core level it’s meant to fracture you permanently. It’s meant to keep you in a state of submission and open and willing to take further and endless abuse and then be ready for the big deposits of shame. After you here all the disgusting ways people do this to each other, that part becomes less interesting to me. Mind you I consider silence a grave threat to personal safety and I would encourage you to see it the same way. The narc counts on us being ashamed and silent. What are you ashamed ? What do they have on you? Fucking tell on yourself. Take that power away from them. We as a community understand the weight of this abuse and how it makes us do all kinds of despicable things. And how despicable are those things? I mean obviously that is wise question and some of us may have done things we should infact be ashamed of. (Never toxic shame) But you can also help to forgive yourself by knowing and letting it sink in that you were not yet your authentic self and you had no chance til now of becoming that. So. You do the math on that. Outside of some obviously horrific shit. I’m sure what you did ain’t that bad at all. I myself have done just about everything. And even enjoyed most of it. There I said. Next.
I’m not concerned with details of anything anymore except for my recovery. Those details interest me a great deal. That is where my focus is now. And it’s where yours should be as well. That’s not to say that I don’t spend a great deal of time still getting validation in other people’s experiences and stories. It’s just that now my focus is finally allowed to be on me and dedicated without shame or hesitation to myself. This is a very powerful thing to discover at this juncture in your journey. Think of the untapped potential you can now freely and readily tap into. Without second guessing or getting permission from someone who wishes no kindness at all. Tho she will say she loves and supports you. Now you start to let those voices. Those toxins which were interfering with you a great deal more than you could have ever known. Both covertly and overtly.
And just so we’re clear they will never ever ever validate any of this. Of course they don’t. But you and I know it’s true. And if more of us just boldly call it out for what it is. Well at least we can all get our guns on the table. But these predators never can fight fair.
That’s the other appealing thing about boxing. A pure fight is actually a beautiful thing. Especially if there is art techniques and sportsman ship involved. Then it’s a classy affair. Dangerous yes but in a way that’s in keeping with day to day life in this world of hard knocks. I mean I love boxing because at least conceptually it’s straight up. And outside of all the shark activity that of course swoops around it. It’s what you see is what you get affair. How refreshing is that for people who have come thru what we’ve come thru? The fact that you can learn and even celebrate fighting finally in a fair context. It’s easy to see for me how this has become an overriding passion overnight. But I digressed tho the digression was on point cause it’s right back into what I’m interested in.
Is the beauty of the process of the recovery from this abuse. It’s specifically beautiful. There is a poetry to it that is chilling and it’s an invitation into celebration that you can’t believe is happening. And it’s a celebration of you.
Just as a butterfly came from
Connecting the Dots
The whole world is evolving at a speed we’ve never seen
The children of the world are gonna sue the greedy dean
Of corporate war lord mongers for whom nothing’s sacred too or real
Hanging by a tiny string the way the caterpillars 🐛 feel
The caterpillar goes in chrysalis
Hanging by a thread
The butterfly 🦋 is God’s way to say
“Don’t mind that you’ll be dead”
Imaginal cells they liquefy before they shed their skin
They redesign surrendering
Before they’re born again
You’re being born again right now. If you can let it happen. If you can surrender yourself to the process. That is what stands before you. In all of its cheesy glory. And cheeseball glory can be fun. Especially when you compare it to where we come from. Right?
Once you tap into that part of you dying to be the butterfly you born to be. There is no substitute. And how could there be? Why should there be? There shouldn’t be. Because if your concern is for others than it is only thru this journey into yourself that you can provide any solace for anyone else. let alone mercy grace and love. Your dedication is for us all. And for us all you need to invest your all into yourself. And then we will all benefit. Greatly. So let me thank you in advance because if youre hearing this than you are meant to. And if you are meant to then what does that mean? Come on player. You know what that means. Give yourself that gift of no contact. Give yourself that space to really become yourself. You owe it to us all.
My soul purpose or you could say my souls purpose is to aid and abed survivors of this abuse to become the shining lights they were meant to be. This is as I am becoming the shining light I was meant to be. That’s how this works and like this we will effortlessly beat the enemy. Truth is our friend. No contact is our best friend. Seriously is your soul pancake best friend for life I promise you. No contact. No contact. No contact. Give yourself the space and watch what happens. It will be painful as hell. Who said becomingba butterfly was easy? Nobody. That’s who. So go on and get you some.
Bombing the blog with some writings I made before I knew I would actually share them.
Boundaries are fluctuating things. When I first started rebuilding and or building for the first time boundaries I still had narcissists in my life. I mean we all do but I’m talking about the actively feeding on me kind. I didn’t know it at the time. But I soon did. A disruption would occur, and that sinking feeling would well up. Oh no you’ve done it again my boy. You’ve drawn in another one. That voice would get louder and louder. The narc would sense it and begin devaluation in earnest. Against me. Someone who was already soaking all the info I could find on the subject. I said to one. Come on you know I study this shit all the time. Why would you try this on me. I’d get the look as she went into victim mode with eyes that said. Yeah motherfucker but you let me in this far. Quitting narcs is really like quitting cigarettes. To quit cigarettes it’s best to just go cold turkey. Take it on the chin and get passed it. Otherwise you go thru months and months of fucking around bumming smokes. Accidentally buying packs. Smoking one and then throwing it away or giving it to a bum. But with narcs the way it went for me was in stages of no contact. First it was romantic narc gone. Then it went elsewhere and elsewhere still. Until you start to see a pattern and the realization comes over you. Jesus this thing is deep. But that just stands to reason if you were raised by one or two. The last narc to leave my life was a business relationship. And after that. That was when I started really becoming clear. Is this what l Ron Hubbard was on about. Cause I do feel clear and this other thing that I know for a fact John Lennon would have given everything he had for. And that is peace of mind. It comes in waves. It comes here and there. Like splash from some euphoric ocean and then you cultivate it like a garden. What you thought mattered perhaps fame perhaps fortune. Matter less and less and what matters more and more is your garden. Things like fame and fortune tho still fun things to shoot for are only of value now in as much as they fit into this garden of peace of mind you are cultivating. Priorities shift. You have become your authentic self and so your center has shifted from the false center of the narcissistic programming into the much stronger and truer center of the real you. This peace of mind once experienced becomes obviously the thing of highest value. From here you are able to conceptualize ways of being of enormous benefit to mankind. And here is where boundaries grow from the fragmented baby boundaries of your initial awareness of being violated into big bad ass Tyson Fury level boundaries where by anything or anyone who infringes at all on that delicate flower that is your peace of mind. Gets kicked or should get kicked to the curb. You trust your intuition about people’s energies. Or your gut. And time and time again, you betray that and give the person who is already revealing themselves to your subconscious the so called benefit of the doubt only to find yourself time and time again chastising yourself for letting your guard down. Make way for the people who make way for you. When people stress you out. Ask yourself why? When is that ever really necessary? I mean there are times. Late for a flight etc. but you know what I mean. The uneeded stress. The ones who make everything difficult who once upon a time you would given a pass too because you felt sorry for them and thought they didn’t know better. But they did know better and while you were feeling sorry for them. They were sure they were superior to you and infact. Toying with you as if you were a pet.
How much time would you have given that person had you known the score? Or would have you said to them. On second thought you need to go fuck yourself. And then left without a second thought or any guilt at all. When you know this is how these beings operate and what these universal behaviors that we as a community have identified and come together as victims of this unspeakably awful affair.
This is why the truth needs aired out. I won’t keep their secrets for them. I won’t try and get revenge for brutality of the way I was treated. I will live and let live and even wish them well for my authentic nature is one of compassion. They did not kill that in me. In fact it’s only deepened. But that’s not to be mistaken for weakness and it’s not a pie in the sky refusal to see what is either. They are what they are. They are predators and there is no cure. You have to let them be and go no contact.
Im not looking for revenge
But I have no loyalty to those who’ve shown me none. And there is a difference between privacy and secrets. And your only as sick as your secrets and they’re not my secrets to keep. Had they not tried what they tried recently. Had I not really seen not only how little they cared for me but the underhanded way they delivered another dose of extreme emotional violence and they did it over a phone. Do not underestimate these people and understand that you are in a strange kind of danger when you first wake up. I can tell you how and I want to illustrate why. I’m a male victim. Not that the sex matters much but I think it plays into things like pride. My male pride was hurt. And before anyone gets mad at me and says females have pride too. Believe me I know that. I’m speaking on male pride in the way that male pride can often be dumb. Dumb in this case in that you think you know more than you do. You think they see less than they do. And you will be inclined to take some swings back as they pummel you all over the playground. Sorry to say. It’s not a sexy kind of revenge. But the only revenge is no contact. And you’re in luck cause it’s the only way to be somewhat safe from these nit wits. (I contradict this in another post. I know. But hey. Sometimes I say tomato and other times I say tomato)
Which brings me to another reason why I must tell my story. The thing or things they did over the holidays were extreme. Sloppy. Effective. But over the top. They left no way for me to doubt what was up. To the point where I assume that that was on purpose. Kind of “ no really, get the fuck out of our life” kind of send up and send off. I went from positive spirit freshly cleansed from ten days of soaking in sun and ocean and taking stress free care of myself. I went from that to a jail cell for the first time in my life based off of a phone call. I could bore you with the whole story. And someday I’m sure I will. But suffice it to say. They revealed that they are capabale of much darker behavior than I had known. I mean my father has an arsenal of guns and security cameras all over his house. Before my waking up I had written it off to old man bored going a little senile and it’s good that they’re protected all the way too what the fuck is he up to with those guns. I’m talking laser sight shit. They hit an emotional speedball at my psyche so hard and so on target right when They knew I was and they new in vulnerable place and victimized to the extreme by a psychopath. Let’s just say what they did to me was involve that psychopath back into my field of immediate awareness. It was a deeply cruel thing for them to do and for which they gave no sympathy or real apology and acted like I was crazy to react.
Predators like this are dangerous. Who knows how dangerous? I certainly don’t. I know my father is capable of anything. I don’t question that. And judging how much the heat got turned up after my awareness of this just began to grow? How dark does it get after no contact for six months? How does one even begin to find their way back. When every signal from them that you look at with one eye open is just more of the same invalidating insensitive unloving still obviously negatively intended stuff.
Those boundaries I was saying they grow to be as strong as peace. Because peace become your measure. If someone interferes with that. Who’s got time for that? When someone does that all the time you have your answer. They are chewing on your dreams.
You’ll never be tall enough
That’s what my dad said to me when I told him I want to become professional basketball player. I was still a child. Like 10 give or take. And I was starting to practice and take shots. I spent my days in the schoolyard throwing shots. I read an article about someone called the iceman and he talked about throwing a certain amount of shots a day so I started doing the same. I didn’t have a way of consciously knowing this yet but basketball was becoming a refuge for me. A way to get away from the abuse before I found music. One day I made the mistake of telling my dad my dream. “You’ll never be tall enough” he said without a beat and my dream was over just like that.
It became a humorous story later on. I could tell it even in front of him provided the situation sorta pumped him up. Which I didn’t consciously (all the way ) always know I was doing. But in recovery you look back and see how you placated the narcs all the time. It’s like that or else and after a time of being subsumed in their reality you just do it like breathing. It’s automatic.
I had become a successful musician so there was happy ending to the “humorous” story of bad parenting or abuse. I could tell it if I framed it as it was actually helpful in the end. Once my dream shifted to show biz my father tried to be helpful by offering and with sincerity plastic surgery to ten year old to fix my face. But that’s a story for another day. I don’t really want to write a laundry list of the horrors I faced being raised in a narcissistic household but recovery does mean you have to go back and deal with a few things. Writing is my therapy. So I do this here. I do this now and then I go and enjoy my own mind. My own potential and think of other things. This provides me more space to do just that. I recommend writing. Boxing and writing. Boxing and writing. Bike riding and running. Eating well and smoking some herb. And then writing and boxing. It’s fun. I’m laughing.
“You never be tall enough. ”
It’s wild how as you unconsciously bend the story even of their awful behavior to pump them up in some way that the story starts shifting in your mind. Our words are very powerful. If narcs don’t know this consciously they certainly do subconsciously. In fact I’ve been a writer and professional one for over twenty years. I’m known to be good with words and I think that I am and sorta always have been. But there’s a difference between being good with words and being sensitive about their power. I’d say I was good with words but insensitive about their power. Which makes a ton of sense for those of us raised this way. You could even say building resistance to words or becoming desensitized to what they actually do is paramount to our survival. In learning about narc abuse and then observing it as I went thru the process of no contact. I saw the way they use words. How they don’t always do it on the surface. Some are quite adept at these cutting put downs said under the breath and maybe in the context of humor or mocking tone. But research shows that these cutting remarks are actually silver bullets aimed at your particular psychological make up. For you and for the table it’s off hand remark that is barely heard sometimes placed in between something else that’s being said. If you bring it up (which you won’t unless you begin to recover) they will mock you for being too sensitive or say they were kidding. But the bullet got fired and the target got hit.
Now that I understand how this disease operates. I understand the conscience intent behind my father saying “you’ll never be tall enough”. You’ll never be enough is the central message narcs promote in your mind. If you’ve been raised in house like this I’m sure you have many examples yourself. I could go on and on but it’s enough to remember a bit. To meditate on it. To remind yourself that not only are you already tall enough. You’ll always be tall enough. And in fact it scares them. Just how tall you are.
Side note I grew up to be 6′ 5
Fucking goddamn tall enough.