Not For One More Second 

What they are doing Is drawing you into a drama that they really aren’t participating in. Not authentically. They think you’re stupid to even take it seriously. Your frustration, they view like a pet owner does a cat’s frustration at not being able to catch a fake mouse they have on a string. It’s exactly like that. They’re just playing with you. While viewing you as a thing that doesn’t deserve equality. That’s how they view it. And why the misunderstanding keeps persisting in spite of no matter how logically and reasonably you try and break it down. It will always at least partially be locked into this realm where your perspective will never be fully understood or validated. Or if any of it ever is. It will be with an unfair concession attached. There must be an apology from you at your healthy signs of rage and frustration. 
This blog itself is a good example. 

And how even within it I offered up a form of concession and apology. I knew what I was doing as I was doing it. And I knew it illustrated this point. 
For me as I am writing this in real time. Blog time. I realize and hopefully the reader realizes that for reasons I’ve stated and restated. I think it both is necessary and helpful to do this publicly. I don’t regret that decision. Not at all. 

My family can only heal from this point. And couldn’t any other way. 

And just as I feel now that the shame of my family’s ordeal is properly redistributed. So is the pressure of no contact. 

I’m clear as a bell. I’ve spoke my mind on this. I stand by what I said. 

I even don’t regret any of it anymore. I mean I clarified myself and then had to keep clarifying as the situation continued to clarify. I suppose that process never ends. Until we do. 

But yeah

Now the whole burden of this tragedy ain’t on my doorstep anymore. My mother could write me an email and in the subject it could say. I totally understand your perspective. Your perspective is valid. You are valid. You are seen. You have basic human rights. 

Because that’s what it took someone like me to go no contact. 

When I was violently not seen. Violently not validated. Asked to subjugate myself to what became absurdly abusive behavior from a clan I did everything in my power. To uphold, respect, include, see and love. 

I was not treated in kind. Not even close. Not even remotely close. Not even kind of close. Not even sort of close. Not even if you look at it this way and that way and every which way possible close. Simply total invalidation. And total subjugation or goodbye. So it was goodbye. 

And how insane is it. When that feels insane? It’s only and just thru the writing of this blog that I even start to feel sane at all about it. 
So maybe the echo maze becomes about recovery from here. Maybe it just becomes about healing and delivering the message that it’s ok to be brave. 

To stand up to the bullies in the playground and say to them. Even as you shake and piss yourself a little. 

You say to them. 

I won’t let you treat me like this anymore. Not for one more second. 

2 Comments on “Not For One More Second 

  1. That’s huge Joe and I know how hard it is, I confronted my dad about having been abused by him as a child ,I was 27 , He denied it. I cut off contact with my dad for 5 years, My mom at first seemed to come to my aid ,but quickly stood by my dad . I got myself into therapy twice a week in efforts to remember details , and just, heal.Slowly I reentered my family , I always ran the risk of feeling violated by my dad just in the way he looked at me ,chewed his food ..I never really knew what would hit that place, my dad dies this June 19 , was planning to make your show at The Winery the 23 but that was the day we buried him. I visited him on Father’s day , sat across from him and hoped that he would come clean , admit what he had done and apologize , he never did . I am just now beginning to get in touch with this loss on many levels , I manage to stay very distracted most of the time ..my mom ,though still in my life believes that I conjured up these allegations in efforts to hurt my family , she still believes this ..I do see her, have some compassion for her , but there really isn’t any way around the fact that she completely invalidates my entire experience and soul really …It is so hard . I am getting a lot out of reading your blogs I appreciate your effort and honesty ❤ Thanks

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  2. You’re a blossom. I keep coming to check on you and be delighted, and in turn it helps my own spirit.

    Like

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