The music is coming back. There really is a big shift happening now that I unloaded all the shame that wasn’t mine to carry. That’s what they do. They (narcs) are transferring shame. I knew that a year ago. I learned that early on.
Before I started the blog. I would never miss meditation and boxing. They were the only things I was holding onto. But since the blog something very odd has happened indeed. Music is back. Today I thought maybe this whole thing was so I could find my music. It’s more than that of course. What you get back really is your life. The cognitive dissonance dies down and that’s when you feel that the shift has occurred. I’m gonna meditate and go boxing tomorrow. I did plenty today. Shipped merch for my west coast, art prints. And recorded with Paul. Another great track. I’m so happy music is back. Music has the power to heal everything. The greatest art is born of necessity. That’s what Herman Hesse said. I always think of that. I think the echo maze was born of necessity. I’m too tired to find the words to describe the difference of letting the weight of outsiders’ shame go. It’s huge. I can’t wait to see how light I feel in a month. The shame has been properly redistributed. That’s all I can say. The difference between the narc mind and non narc mind is down to this. They can only be around people who subjugate themselves to their false reality. They are like vampires in the sun regarding people calling them to task and/or calling bullshit on their bullshit. Whereas us? We don’t care. I’m good if you dont agree with how I see things. What was important was/is that I don’t hold back how I see things. None of us should. Not ever. I mean unless your a nazi. Then hold it back. Drum roll crash. Drunken chuckles.
Tho there’s storms within. The outside is telling an ever different picture. My interactions with people now. Are just less , I can’t find the word for it. I guess awkward. And not in a way I knew was awkward until this point. As if all this work is making fixes to the structure of the personality on vibrational levels outside of my perception accept for what’s being reflected back to me by others. I’m talking about everyday interactions. Ordering an ice coffee from the guy at the bodega. Same amount of energy as before. Same amount of attempt to be nice. But now it’s not an attempt. I’m just “being “and in every interaction. More and more something genuine is exchanged and genuine warm feeling is had. And as with other things in the echo maze. It’s thru the patterns that you notice. It’s not a huge thing in and of itself. It’s not as if there’s anything unusual about the exchanges. I’m speaking more on the level of vibe and then the accumulated affect of that energy exchange. Once we turn our engines in the right direction that has a real snowball effect as well. I suppose it comes from developing attention inside of every moment. I was interviewed today and the writer asked me how I had time for all this. But it’s a matter of attention. Time is something that bends. Time? there is no time. There is one now. One big punch kiss.
You can’t leave this life without throwing your punch kiss. Or kiss punch.
That thing thing you have to say.
Those things you have to say.
I told Paul about the blog from a frightened place. He reassured me that I had done something that was gonna help far more than the other way. I could see that that was true. I hoped anyway. But he reassured me in another way. A way that truly gave me comfort for the first time since I started all this. At least that kind of comfort. (I get comfort now thru meditation but that’s a different story) this kind of comfort is the kind that can only come from a true friend. He said. He regretted not getting “real ” with his family. He said now it’s too late.
In all my fear I had forgot to consider the other alternative. The alternative even before the fall out and break down and no contact. Even before all that. What we had was mostly pretend. I didn’t quite know why or how. I just new it was. Without letting myself know it was. I’m sure many of you can relate. But also in households such as mine. Any perceived slight sets off mayhem so of course ever trying to get real in that environment. Even saying one one hundredth of what I said here. Would fall on deaf ears. But now it’s just out. And that’s it. Enough is anyway for me to feel like I completed some kind of process. Apparently I keep writing but I feel like I’m lingering at the end of a party. Picking up a few empty cups here and there. Eye balling a drunk chick from across the dance floor. (Sorry fell into creative writing for a sec.
The blog form.
It’s a wild thing to start a blog.
I was coming from YouTube land. Where people just talk about this stuff. And the internet it’s another kind of black hole. But it’s a relief that my life situation which was an overwhelming secret is now just not a secret. I can breath. And I didn’t know I couldn’t. It’s kooky. I imagine I’ll grow into it. I can tell I am already. And dealing with kooky is ok when you get to breath in the exchange.
Every Sunday night in Ohio. Maggot brain. At midnight on mms. 100.7
Lou told me a story about being on kid Leo’s show in the 70’s. It was for an interview. Before he told me what happened he said. “I got banned from that station for life.” Come to think of it. I was probably telling him about maggot brain. That’s the only time id bring up mms. And I don’t think he would of.
“So what happened I asked?”
He said it was interview and kid Leo asked him where he got his inspiration or some such thing . And he just answered. “Fuck you”
That was it.
The end of the interview. It was live. Cut. And banned for life.
Who else has the courage that guy had? To just be in the moment always raw and authentic.
For a musician to say that in a radio interview. With a huge station like that. Next level kids. Next level.
But maggot brain. I’d always tune in. The myth was Eddie hazel took “brown”acid and George Clinton either told him his mom died before he played that ten minute guitar solo. Or told him to play like he just found out she died. I’ve heard it told both ways. I remember listening to it as a kid and wondering what brown acid was. And also how sad it was for him to have to play guitar knowing his mom was gone.