Crazy Fear In The Gobsmacked Moment 

For those of us raised to feel like we don’t matter. It takes superhuman courage to start to stand up for yourself. Just basically that takes an act of heroism equal to ten men. You have to buck hardwired programming. That lies to you and tells you that if you stand up for yourself. That if you demand to be treated as an equal. It tells you that everything will be destroyed. All of your small hold on whatever small reality you have. In order for you to bypass that. In order for you to stand up for yourself. You will have to implode and explode all the very fortresses that make up your idea of self. Essentially in a deep way. You will have to die first. Your body won’t have to die. But you will. And it won’t be pretty. It won’t feel good. It won’t feel “spiritual ” (at least not at first)It will feel unfair. It will feel earth shattering. It will feel absurd and cruel. It will feel all alone. Totally alone. A death alone. That’s where you have to go. And the longer you avoid it. The more you will stack up people and situations in your life to push you in that direction. But you won’t know you’re doing that. You’ll just think that just you’re trying to have a life. While secretly knowing the bullshit you’re doing. Whatever that bullshit may be as there are many very entertaining varieties of bullshit, which I still count myself a fan of, but  just not where they take you. 

But you’ll start knowing the bullshit isn’t flying anymore. Even before your life starts breaking that equation down for you. 

Who knows why we have to go thru shit like this? I don’t suspect we’ll ever know why the soul needs to evolve thru this same repetitive station. That so many of us are obviously put here to endure, triumph over and then what? Be a shining example to others burdened in a similar way? 

For what? 

Who knows? I don’t. 

But I do know it’s the only choice and as life is so short anyhow. Might as well learn to take some hits and play along. Anyway I wanna see how it ends. 
But for you to stand up for yourself. For you to even make this a reasonable passage of your souls journey here. To get the predators to step the fuck off. 

Well I’m here darling. And I wish I could ease your burden. More than just leaving you my account as to how I finally stood up for myself. 

But I think in a deep way we all just have to go thru it alone. And we all have to feel that crazy kind of fear in the gobsmacked moment. No one can be there for you then. It’s just you and God then. That’s it. Total nudity. Total vulnerability. Finally it’s just that. The state of your soul and his divine light. 

4 Comments on “Crazy Fear In The Gobsmacked Moment 

  1. I get what you mean about wanting to see how this all ends. I guess if you and your family, or any member of the family can do some hard work & soul searching of their own, and you reach a level of comfort to communicate with them (in any manner), then it will evolve, more than end.

    Which is fine too, as long as it doesn’t end up right back in the tunnel of cog. diss. again. You’ve come a long way in a short time though Jo. You always do! You’re prone to immersion when you tackle things. At least that’s how you’ve struck me over the years. I suspect that’s how you’re built. How you get into these amazing, wonderful outputs of art & music that you do. You’re a force to be reckoned with, and don’t ever forget you earned that with your own blood, sweat & tears my friend.

    What will be, will be. And you’ll just get better & better at handling whatever reactions you have to deal with from Whatever narcs come into your life.

    I do hope your family WILL find their way to understanding themselves, you, and the whole dynamic you’ve all been caught in. I truly hope one fine day, real, authentic apologies will be exchanged. I want for you, very much, to have that kind of healing. Be patient, and know that you have done the hard part. You did it Jo. 😊 And you even lived to tell! I joke, but not really, because you’re right, it is a kind of death to go through such emotional upheaval. Jo, you know there is more work ahead though, yes? Sobriety. I hope you won’t be upset by my saying that. But it’s the only thing I can see that could derail you. If you can keep a handle on that, I see an amazing life ahead for you. A Part 2 if you will. With a whole new cast of characters in your passion play. Healthy supportive ones! Plus you’ll now know, exactly whom, among old friends, are your true friends. And may I be so bold to add, that’s when your energy will attract the kind of lover /best friend lover, that we all hope for. So here’s to all of us who have dealt with this soul crushing ordeal. May we all unblock our own obstacles at long last, and claim the love and respect we always deserved. You’re a champ Jo. (Sorry, I know praise isn’t what you’re seeking) but I think it would be OK to take a bow on this one. You’ve shared your guts to the world. So I say, take a bow. Well done Joseph Arthur. I’m pretty sure you’ve graduated several levels grasshopper. 🙏🏻💙 and Thank You.

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  2. Oddly enough I experienced one of these “naked before God” moments today. I thought I moved beyond that stage. They sneak up on us. But as always, God showed up. And so did you, through this writing, even though you obviously had no way of knowing that. This post helped me in ways you will never know. Thank you, my friend.

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  3. I had a mother who loved too much, and a father I like to recognize as emotionally disconnected. To the point that when I was 11 my parents had been separated for several weeks and I thought he was on a business trip. My mother’s love took on a strange wielding, especially since I’d been so ill as a kid(a theme throughout my life) so the more she could fix the better she felt, the more control she had. Now as a 40 something parent/wife she can’t have this hold on me. Yet, she still does. The last few weeks of reading this, and my own hardcore therapy has been interesting.

    You posting, and my therapist telling me to start writing again(as I’ve been told by many close to me, when I stop writing, I become someone else, someone angry/susceptible), I’ve begun again.

    It took me two weeks ago, seeing someone, to have full closure, after nearly two decades. Sometimes, little things, the most minute, make you realize you are more than enough. As are those around you who care. Truly give a damn.

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