More of a Hello, and a Little less Twisted.
Me and Paul made these t shirt ideas
For our new band called
Torture Chamber VJJ
“We’re both paranoid.”
“Our clothes matter as much as our music”
“We are a band that where dresses quite a lot ”
Torture Chamber VJJ
Came along right at the right time.
Today for instance Paul brought me a gift wrapped present. In red paper. With a nice bow I ended up wearing as a necklace. I like creating outfits. Or it just happens. I’m sure I’m not the only one. I know I’m not. But he was excited to give me this. And he gives great gifts and I never saw him like this before. He told the story making sure I knew he wasn’t name dropping for the hell of it. But turns out the gift he had for me he bought with Lisa Marie Presley. Paul has a knack for gifts and that doesn’t extend to just me. I’ve seen lots of people benefit from Paul’s friendship from the gift giving department. That’s not to call out the non gift givers who I rank generally among. No judgments here. I’m just saying Paul is kind of one of those rare frequent gift givers. Actually I’ve heard it said. That the mark of true artist is generosity. Paul is that if nothing else. Actually I know just who said it. He said many things I won’t ever forget. Things that helped me. T Bone. When we were making my second record. One of the best times of my life working with that stray angelic crew. We misfits together. Of freedom and genius. It’s hard not to be around T Bone. That’s his trick. He gives genius to the other guy. At least that’s what it felt like to me. Every thing happens from enthusiasm. He had said that as well. He had that In a large supply. I got more out of my time with T Bone than I could fill in a book. Someday. I’d love to work with him again. But moving back to the here and now.
Paul and his gift.
The last gift Paul gave came at a beyond opportune time. I had just been betrayed. You know the way life will do that to you from time to time. Just to wake you up and keep you engaged.
Anyway it was medallion from the 18 hundreds. French Foreign Legion. A thing for a warrior. I ended up wearing it my whole tour and using it as spiritual source of comfort and strength.
There are times in life when it becomes clear how much we actually help each other. How much we actually need each other. I’m not talking now about genius level gifts from genius friends. I’m talking about the small kindness you give to the lady at the deli. And small kindness she gives back. Those things are where life is. In those corners. That’s the place people like me. People who have had to go no contact. In those places. People like me find family.
That could sound sad. I get that. It makes me cry to write it. But it’s a complicated emotion. Certainly not all bad.
What the healing journey does finally. Is makes everything real.
And there is a reason you’ve been avoiding that. I hate to say it. But you’ve had a very valid reason indeed.
Let me , if I can do nothing else , serve to report to y’all what it’s like after you just ..how do I say… what did I do here again ?…… oh yeah. Let it all hang out so to speak.
I was talking to Paul. About the blog. I told him I basically didn’t have anymore secrets. I mean. I’ve maybe held back one or two. But basically.
Let’s put it this way. No one can call me out on anything.
But it’s a death. To kill delusion. It’s a death of a false persona. To the degree that you live a false persona is the exact degree to which you are limiting your life and expression.
My expression well
You can see how it grew in the telling of my story. Or the small portion of it I told (thus far)
There’s plenty I regret about how that unfolded and plenty I would do different from where I am now.
But where I am now.
I only got to
Because of what I did then
I can regret it until the cows come home. But what’s important is that now I’m liberated in this regard. No matter what is said or thought about it.
The aspects I feel guilty about. Are in shallow guilt. Because I couldn’t be who I am any other way. For better or for worse.
Yes I would have toned down the rages and posturing. However if you don’t think rage is big part of not only what you feel but also your protection. Especially someone who’s programmed to not protect themselves. Well. That rage can be misguided at times. Can react too strongly at times. But again. I’m me. To the best of my ability I’ve leveled with this world and that feels pretty goood.
To all the people I raged at in my blog. I got no real ill will for any of you. And actually wish you a peaceful journey from here on. Even the psychopath, if you can behave yourself and stop trying to destroy men by giving them heart attacks. (Did I mention the odd psychological twist in that make up of hers that her father actually had a near fatal heart attack at exactly my age? And I thought I had daddy issues! 👹At least when I work mine out it’s more fun than that. No one needs a body bag;)) ok I’m just having fun with it. 🎃 take it easy. Can’t we laugh at all those bygones? Besides my tickers doing great 😜
But seriously folks.
I’m attempting now to put a peaceful bow tie on this. And move on. That’s what I’m gonna do.
I can’t keep everyday writing and putting out a blog like that. It’s too much a soul excavation. Think of it like spring cleaning. I do it every now and again. To keep you posted on my minds latest hobbies.
He was going on about this one. And so. I just held it on my lap and said are you sure? I knew it was clothes or an outfit. I thought it was gonna be a banging coat.
I was actually surprised when it wasn’t. It was something so much better. I can’t describe. Well yes I can I’m gonna try.
But first I want to go into a vision I had earlier which was. So fucking dark. It makes me giggle.
Telling my story.
Made my programming just short circuit.
Smoke coming from green and red and blue and yellow plastic wires in my brain. The chips lighting up. Flashing. Lighting up super bright and then fading into shadow. And dust and a new forever kind of darkness.
You prepare to over ride your subconscious programming but it’s difficult work. It goes something like this. You elevate yourself thru meditation and (I suppose extreme) physical fitness. In my case I listened to many meditations about honoring the universe within me. And about how for us, self sabotage is a kin to holding back who you really are.
In my case. I gave much of who I really was. Or I thought I did. I think my fans were just the ones who could see past my insecurities. I’m personalizing it now to communicate but I’m thinking of it in the universal. How this applies to all of us all the time. And the ones like Mike Tyson are who we ultimately respect most.
I mean the most transparent ones. The ones we know aren’t hiding anything from us. Mike is like that. I mean I’m not saying he doesn’t have secrets or things he’s not talking about on Oprah I’m just saying you know he’s gotten all the way real with himself and far beyond what he even needed too with the rest of us. But Mike is an artist. One of the best artists ever. First with Boxing. Then with just being Mike Tyson. Fucking face tattoo and the whole nine yards. Dude is my fucking hero. He’s everyone’s hero. What’s not heroic about him? (And don’t take the cheap shot. You got my point )
It’s within all of us to be like that.
Usually tho it takes a mad
And I mean MAD amount of pain to get people to get that real. Look what he went thru. I know I wouldn’t want to go thru that.
All the impurities get burned out of you when life gets that real. All the bullshit needs to get kicked to the curb straight the fuck away to where it really isn’t even a thought. The way waking up in the middle of the night having to piss. You can just walk to the toilet still asleep. When life gets that nuts. You get on the right path in that same kind of way. As if led by design. It happened to me. I was no moral ace. Not by a long way. Not by a very long way. And yet when shit got real. I did very little fucking around on any level from that point on. I mean there was some growing pains. And some send off parties. I didn’t become a saint over night. And I enjoyed those twisted goodbyes. I enjoyed them a lot. Hope to have some again but in another kind of way. More of a hello. And little less twisted.
But as I was saying
Shit gets real. So do you.
That’s the gift of it.
It doesn’t feel like a gift.
And it didn’t feel like a gift at all before Paul came over.
I wished I could have unsaid everything I’ve said. I thought for sure I said too much. And was full of rage at times and being boastful and prideful. Trying to be an artist and give breath to the whole expression of betrayal. And what that feels like. To give reason. Mainly to my nephews who will one day hopefully read and understand my perspective and what happened and why it was no small matter and why I simply needed to get away to survive. That’s a hard story to tell. It’s a very hard story. It’s been the story of my life a solid year before I started this blog. I had to let it out. In order to grow to here. In order to be more dignified if and when I can in how I retell my account from this point on. Which is in actual fact. Only my account. All these other people I’m sure have their story to tell. I don’t take back the content of what I said. I told the truth as best I could remember it. I love all the people in tale. Of course I do. How could it be any other way?
That’s where healing takes you. Into acceptance finally. There may never be peaceful resolution. Maybe not on this earth anyway. Sometimes I get to see behind the scenes.
Come clean mother fuckers come clean ☠️
Paul took the gift off my lap. I was hesitating too long.
“Here I want to present it to you.
He turned his back and began unwrapping it.
Dr. Joe Dispenza talks about how in meditation when you do the work. The universe will signal you in such a way as to let you know that its with you. That’s it’s paying attention. That if you put your faith in it. It will put its faith in you. That’s how it works. But you have to come to it. It’s always coming to you. It’s always there. But you run. It’s waiting for you to stop running. It wants you to know that however you are running. It’s ok. You can simply stop. And you will be ok. And you will be forgiven. And you will be redeemed.
You simply have to open yourself. To yourself. Your authentic self.
Paul turned around and presented me with this full body suit. It was black. It had zippers in funny places. Interesting scars. A slash across the stomach. And one across the back. And on zippers. Adjustable slashes if you will. The back one exposing almost exactly the area of a tattoo I had described in an earlier blog post. A shame transcended if you will. The slash just above the tattoo area was on zippers. So that if for whatever reason I may want to expose that area. I can do it with just a slight adjustment of a zipper. Otherwise there is simply a permanent and beautiful slash right about that areas.
The material is like a superhero costume. It’s skin tight and fits me like a glove. It also has gloves. The sleeves extend down so that has permanent quasi boxing wraps. And a hood.
I didn’t try it on when Paul was there. It’s a good thing I didn’t. It needs an instruction manual when you first put it on. It really is like a superhero costume of rock n roll. Bought with the kings daughter. Designed by the person who designs Mick Jagger’s clothes. Paul said as an aside. about 20 minutes after we unwrapped it as we just tripped on it hanging on the wall, as we talked endlessly as we do. Girls have nothing on us. Until we get after it and make those jams.
Which is the main gift Paul brought me. Music. The music we make together. It has something so powerful in it. I felt like it might be awhile before I felt like writing songs anymore. If ever. Music requires light. For me it’s ironic. Cause they say painters need light. Not for me. For me. Painting has always been the dark arts.
Painting I can always do. The way I do anyway. Painting takes no effort. Painting is bloodletting and only that for me. Where as music. Is more about the light for me. That’s where my hope goes.
That’s why I need to paint and to make music and always have always will.
But I hadn’t known music was gonna come back so soon. Paul brought it back to me. He always comes over and just makes genius music. I’m fucking lucky. But it’s more than that. There is spiritual connection between me and Paul. He told me of his dream the night before when he lined himself with orphan girl and then they both got stoned to death.
I gasped. Paul can’t you I’m the girl and because you will stand by me they are gonna stone you to death. I thought you were supposed to try and make me feel better!
He smiled and said yeah it sounds bad but really I took it as a good dream. I took it as a dream of courage. He then went into say that he supports me thru thick n thin (those are my words the thick and the thin. Paul said it more eloquently and over time. He’s actually said it the whole time. And finally that is too the main gift of healing and recovery. Learning how to recognize the good ones. Learning how to give your love to a place where that love is treated and respected as sound investment. A soul investment. A love investment. One that’s not geared on the pain and destruction of the other.
I tried on my superhero costume after Paul left.
As the details of it unfolded. Like a beautiful crosswind of my story over the last year.
The outfit had something like Adidas stripes down the side. But every detail was special. I’m calling them that as description. But that too resonates. Because gym clothes became a big part of my recovery. Sounds ridiculous right? But it’s not. Boxing and just redefining who I was. It was a stage I moved thru but I like its after effects. I barely ever where jeans anymore. I’m sure they’ll come back. But anyway. The outfit resonated in a big way. The craziest way was in how feminine it was. This aspect touched me greatly. In some kind of way that out fit was like God telling me he loved me just as I am.
You ever have that moment when you’re in your bed all tucked in and safe feeling? And you give that little shake. That excitement that comes from feeling like you’re protected. Like you’re secure. I laid there in my bed in that costume, or as Paul called it. “It’ll be your body armor”
And gave a little shake which surprised me and fell then sound asleep.