I would expect. This blog to acquire haters. It is a blog that takes a stand against the way a fair number of you operate. It’s also bizarrely open. But that’s a result of the community i’ve steeped myself in for roughly a year. It started after discard and the book psychopath free. The modern day bible of this shit for victims just waking up. I read it twice. And then read other shit. Like in sheeps clothing by dr. George K Simon.
And the magnum opus of it all. Dr Robert Hares ‘without conscious ‘ which was a landmark of the field. If you are dealing with this condition. Just waking up. Those are good books to read.
When I read psychopath free it made everything so clear. It was as if I was reading an account of a situation that was identical to my own. Had it not been for that book, clarity would not have come for quite a lot longer if at all. I remember the desperation of that moment. It was easy to study this shit. I’ve never been so motivated to learn about anything in my whole life. I was all the way broken but still trying to pretend to belong. Trying to hold on.
Long Beach. That’s where I made it too. That was the beginning of my journey towards freedom from all this. It was about a year ago. I’ve come a long way since then and I still have a long way to go. But I’m aiming at forgiveness so I’m feeling that way too. That’s got to be a sign of healing and moving on.
A year ago
I posted a picture of psychopath free on instagram. It felt like a crazy act of defiance. Maybe that’s hard to explain or understand. A fake account wrote me. It just said. “What are you doing?”
I knew what it meant. And frankly I was scared. I was terrified there actually. Terrified then.
I met a girl at the festival. She was a reiki healer. And she was cute. She came back with me to this little glass house in the back of a big house I was staying in next to a chicken coup. Dogs barking ferociously no matter how quiet you pass. I actually liked that. I needed feelings of security. She came back to practice reiki on me. And that’s really what we did. I can’t really even remember if we made out. It was sorta beyond all that. I think she said she like trans women and I said well that makes sense then why you like me. And we laughed but then she practiced reiki and when she got to my throat she jolted.
Alarmed I said what’s up?
She said there’s a lot here at your throat.
She was moving energy out and with eyes closed appearing transfixed. When she said. There are big black snakes I’m clearing out. I said what’s that she said I don’t know. Could be somebody wants you silent. Maybe someone’s been targeting your voice?
(Side note. Big black snakes. Very funny. I get it. But seriously I couldn’t change that part of the story. I tried to think of something else but that’s what she said and the image was too strong to deny. But go on laugh yer ass off. Hardy har har har )
I closed my eyes and let her get on with the healing.
I was still afraid and couldn’t trust her all the way. My energy then betrayed me as I had just only just escaped the clutches of a psychopath.
After she was done we hung out and smoked some weed. It was nice. Nothing physical went down beyond reiki and warm embrace. Rated pg if not g.
And I was happy for it. I couldn’t let someone in yet.
I was a way from the psychopath but I was a very long way from escaping the psychopath. That’s how it goes. They’ve hard wired your mind in ways you can’t see or fathom yet. And thru social media they have ways of landing blows that are much harder and more haunting than you would suppose.
But you must understand this. They were preparing for this the whole time. They might not have known exactly when. For each human is a storm and they themselves don’t know exactly where the victims breaking point will lie. So they prepare for when that day comes. They’ve got a fireworks display prepared for the inside of your mind. Unless you got ripped off. Mine did a great job. Take a bow. Really I must say. Well done. It was hmmm super fucking spooky. Really good for pushing me over the edge thing you were going for. A haunted house you built all for me. I’m honored in a way. I feel like you’re one of more talented ones, or is that my ego getting in the way of good judgment? My ego only likes to think that it got broken by the very best. I mean I guess I’ll never know. Do you guys have rating systems. Is there a psychopath weekly which y’all share on the dark web with each other? Where you tell each other tales of hi jinx and pain and show each other scandalous pictures of your victims?
Or is it the real you isolated in a lonely hell? Thing everyone says it is?
I forgive you man. Woman. Whatever you are. I really do.
You were an alarm bell. I sought you out. To me we’re square. I mean I had to call you out. That shit was kooky you no dear.
But yeah I’m moving on and there’s freedom in the air. You know they call me donkey Kong. Oil barrels hammer flare. Jumping until I capture my freedom and my gal. The one I haven’t met yet. This time she’ll be my pal.
Lol. Sorry I have to leave that in.
But then I was to broken to let anyone in. I called a good friend. The next night. I was so spooked. I didn’t know I was having bouts Of cptsd. I didn’t really consider that too much tho read and heard about it all the time. I had no therapist so I couldn’t verify. What was me. What was the psychopath. What was cptsd. The nature of reality shifts so hard and suddenly upon awaking from this. It’s hard to fathom. Even for me now. Just a year later. But that’s the way it is with extreme pain or situations. We are built to endure them and still keep our will and even our love and desire to survive. This is a wonderful evolutionary trick. Personally I like this feature and wouldn’t want to give it up. However it’s an easy feature for predators to manipulate if they find a target whose been designed to give that part of themselves away too easily. To forgive and forget. To just let it go. This blog flies so hard in the face of my programming. And not just my programming but the programming of so many of you. It also flies in the face of the predators who took advantage of me. But not just those predators. It flies in the face of all the predators. Will it get hated? Seems inevitable. At least by many. I’d be insulted if it didn’t. I’d think then that it must’ve lacked punch.
When you wake up from this shit. You’re not in the mood to give a fuck anymore. I’m telling you man. That psychopath shit is next level. I need to reiterate. This ain’t kooky girlfriend town I’m talking about here. Believe me when I say I’ve been up and down that avenue. And I’m not just picking on ladies. Dudes are kooky too. Just talking about my experience. This was something far darker which pushed me here.
It was about 11 at night when I couldn’t stay in that glass house anymore. The reiki teacher wanted to go on a walk and smoke a joint on the beach. But I got triggered by something. And suddenly I was terrified. The chicken coup started getting restless. The chickens were banging against the metal cage outside. It sounded like something was being murdered. The chickens were restless. And crowing. I started pacing in the small room. I closed all the blinds. I was really freaking out. The chickens kept hitting the metal cage and crowing as if in my own mind. I woke up with night terrors. And the psychopath vividly in my head. Saying something dark or twisted like it was the present moment and actually in there now. Laughing.
My male ego wouldn’t allow me to see how broken I was. I was holding onto knowledge like knowledge itself was gonna get me out of this.
That’s why you don’t mind studying. You have to. It becomes survival. And everything else falls away.
The reiki healer sent me a picture. She was also a school teacher. And she said one of her students drew her a picture.
The thing about a discard from a psychopath is it’s not pretty. Oh man. It’s like you wake up in the twelfth round of prize fight you didn’t know you were in against mike Tyson.
And it leads you down into areas of research that reveal hidden darknesses you wished you hadn’t seen. Not anything scandalous on the dark web or anything. Tho I can only imagine the endless resources of mind control tactics available there. No I don’t even know how to get on the dark web and aim to keep it that way. Unless liberty is stolen from us finally from the man.
No these dark corners exist right in the normal web. What leads you there?
Well research does.
When something like this happens to you. You have no recourse. A big part of how they’ve been dismantled you have done by all appearances by you. You in fact did it to yourself.
Their methods are very powerful. They win largely by deep under estimation. They live and work in shadows and you are being worked on in ways you can’t see or imagine. You’ve been wired with future boobie traps.
And research unveils lots of creepy crawlers. The web has tactics of manipulation laid out in easy to understand terms. Tactics of control. And they are housed in a narrative called teacher student.
But it’s telling the teacher how to control the student in ways that are easily seen thru as diabolical. Ways to play with words. And make them mean things that they don’t mean. By rhythm and suggestion. NLP has a mad dark side. Many use it that way. Be consciously or not. Advertising is rife with it. Around this time I bought a hat. It was in a fancy shop out in Malibu. It was a nice baseball cap. Dark green and way over priced. All it said was ‘waffle. ‘ There was another one that said trouble.
I thought about those hats. Probably too much. Why waffle?
I was steeping myself in NLP. Ever since I discovered the psychopath used text messages to implant manipulations. I suspect she figured I would never figure it out. I suspect no one else ever had.
I mean I fancy myself a bit of a writer. In case you hadn’t noticed.
And more than that. I thought I was a pretty good study of people and smart as a whip to boot. I had never assumed a blindness like this was still inside me. Especially in the area of words. Upon first discovering I have to admit to going down a wrong and confusing but understandable misunderstanding of what was happening. And it gave the psychopath more credit than she deserved.
Once you can see a pattern of things being communicated that aren’t. and if you don’t know of the existence of NLP
well you’re in for some creepy crawly thoughts I can assure you.
I gave her too much credit cause all the texts were. Were very basic NLP techniques. Not even particularly inventive in anyway. The one that makes me smile I can relay rather easy. I sent her picture one time of me coming back from a radio station saying I killed it.
Under the photo of me she just wrote.
I kneeeeeewwwwww yoooouuuu
That ones real basic. And in and of itself could be explained away.
For context you should know tho. It was written in a such a way. That the eeeewwwwwyyyyoooouuu was underlining my picture.
You wouldn’t notice it at a glance. And especially as at that point in the relationship the hypnosis and open unconditional unconscious willingness to endure huge amounts of toxic shame and toxic shame. To act really let’s face it. Let’s call it what it is. Why duck the reality. I’ve heard victims being compared to objects in this scenario. The famous of which is “you mean as much to them as a pair of shoes they like. And once they are worn out. They simply throw them away and get a new pair. That’s a pretty good analogy and it gets better all the time. The fact that you’re always being walked on has a Pati cult magical poetry that’s at once simple and yet hard to emulate. But I think a better analogy, tho harder to face the hard truth of. But all things considered, aren’t they in fact dumping their garbage on you? Aren’t they in fact not using so much like a pair of shoes but more like a toilet? Just throwing it out there? Am I the only one seeing that? 🚣🏽🎭
So you are hypnotized and trauma bonded ball your needs for for live have systematically been programmed into you by this person. Reinforcing yer old outdated programming with all the latest updates in the modern abuse era.
Oohh sexy times.
And they are sexy times with the psychopath. That’s how they get you. They target those areas with the same intensity we all do. Only as you are reaching for the light? They are reaching for the dark.
So at that point the psychopath knows that the targeted messages are inflicting maximum harm. They know that their victim is oblivious to what they’re doing. But without empathy they deem that as justification enough. They consider their victims far beneath them. Which is basically a reality you have to reinforce in order to stay with them.
So you won’t see that (and even if you did…just kidding) message. And speaking on that. What I would put up with. Blows my mind. Put it this way. She once referred to me as that idiot I’m dating. A text I saw where she was in no way kidding. And she explained that a way in like ten minutes.
Oh that’s just how we talk or her favorite I was raised by wolves.
So you don’t see the message in the message. You’ve deeply agreed with yourself to not let yourself see. It’s easier that way. And now look at you. Now you’re re living your childhood.
So you don’t see that message
But your subconscious would. Your subconscious would read it loud and clear.
I would say most if not all of our longer texting conversations had many examples like this but a bunch of varieties and patterns. Usually the first couple texts would be normal. But by the third or fourth she would need to entertain herself as this “normal exchange would be tedious for her. As we were communicating from entirely different perspectives and agendas. I was trying to have a relationship, albeit a fucked up and dysfunctional one, as was all I really knew, but a genuine one. And for her I was a thing. Who she had to placate and prod. The placating comes at a price for them. They only do it to set up a prod. Her text psychology reveals that pattern. It’s like clock work and another embedded message appears. It’s a horror show the first time you see this alone in your room. But at the point I saw it. I didn’t know NLP existed. And for me I could see the hidden messages and thought she had broken the literary field wide open. I thought wow she really is a genius. She writes up and down and side to side. I took a color pencil app to my iPad and drew circles with different colors trying to interpret the actual meanings. This turned out to be a wrong headed rabbit hole that I abandoned for a time. I didn’t look at those text messages again until I discovered NLP
And there it was. The whole thing opened up. She wasn’t brilliant. She didn’t break open the literary rules to be cursed because tho she was a genius she was only an evil genius. Doomed to write her masterpieces on text chains into people heading for obviousness. No. She was a garden variety manipulator using basic NLP techniques. Nothing more. That helped the spook die a little.
There’s victories in recovery. You get to be a kind of Sherlock Holmes for your mind. And your mind is crazy like a fox at this point because as you are basically becoming a doctor in a field of study. In order to survive. Unbeknownst to you something else interesting is happening.
For the first time in a long time you’re learning again. Your brain is opening new neurological pathways. Neuroplacicity Is becoming your friend. Tho you don’t even know what that is yet or that something like that exists. I didnt anyway.
But it’s happening and your brain is engaging in new ways. Helping you into healing like a snowball rolling down a hill.
The. Reiki teacher was really nice. Perfect for me then. Too perfect?
It was all too easy and she seemed too eager to hang. I wasn’t exactly at the top of my game then. But it coulda been genuine. I certainly (at least in my head) wouldn’t have minded taking it further. I certainly could have used the distraction and possible connection. I overestimated my ability to do that then by a long way. But I would have wanted it. and the me who I was even a year before that. Maybe two years would have assumed nothing of it. Would have gone on that walk and smoked that joint and tried again to connect in whatever way we could. But she sent me this note from her “student”
The NLP research of the student teacher dynamic still in my head.
All this stuff still in your head but you’re trying to act normal. Deluded at times into thinking you’re not at the bottom of very huge ordeal still. You need to give yourself those small moments of relief.
It spooked me to the core.
The note made the chickens go mad in the coup.
The note made me close the blinds and lock the glass door.
The note made me call a friend
I called her even tho she was in New York. I also called the police in brooklyn and tried to file a restraining order or get help with cyber bullying. I went all the way to filing something with the FBI
Just to give you an idea at how much these tactics work.
I went to a police station in Malibu. And showed them some of the dummy accounts. Then my friend and her daughter and I went to a health food store where I had a couple of fancy beers and two huge pieces of pizza as filled out the digital form for the FBI
Never before in my life and never since have engaged law enforcement this way.
The note was separate from the law thing.
My feeling about the note now is really the same as it was then.
I didn’t know.
I didn’t know if the reiki healer was with the psychopath or not. I do know that psychopath would have reason at that time to plant someone there if she could. I also know that psychopath would know just what type I’d go for and how lonely and needy I would be. I also know the psychopath would know that girls weren’t exactly throwing themselves at my feet then and if suddenly in a too good to be true scenario happened that I would most likely go for it post Haste.
But the truth is. I still don’t know.
I figured time would reveal that I was paranoid about that. I always regretted. (A soft regret but still) not taking that walk. Who knows my regret would go. That coulda been a really good friend if not more. But the note was too much for my mind in that state. Tho I thought then that it was a creepy coincidence, I was too full of fear to take that chance. It’s impossible to be discarded by a psychopath and leave feeling anything like safe for quite sometime. If ever. If ever takes awhile to arrive at. The note was delivered in the form of a digital picture of kids writing on tan lined paper. The writing big and cranky like a hostage note you’d get with letters from different sources demanding some kind of ransom. Let’s put it this way. It was uncreepy in appearance to be sure.
In big letters at the top
The astronaut was driving across a long crater when suddenly his lunar rover began to sink into moon dust. So he jumped out of the lunar rover and started to cry. Because the astronaut lunar rover cost one billion dollars! The astronaut landed next to five alien homes. There was a statue of miss Langley. The astronaut met nice friends. Every night the aliens would pray for miss Langley.
They pray for for miss Langley to come to the moon and the astronaut. For over one whole year the aliens and the astronaut made another statue next to miss Langley and it was one unicorn monster. Every week the astronaut come to the moon. The astronaut loves coming to the moon. But ”
And that’s how it ended.
hanging in the air.
It had too many possible meanings.
Had I not had a band called the lonely astronauts. Had I not just been out of a relationship with a psychopath that lasted as in the letter from the child. Just over a year. Had I not read in book after book that they cultivate many relationships at the same time. And become entirely different people depending on whoever they’re with and on the personality of the supply. Had I not known my psychopath tho female had certain maleness about her that I guess I found attractive. Had this new teacher not told me that she preferred masculine women. Or trans women.
Had the scenario of the child’s plot not directly reflected so well what I was in a way going thru.
A moon rover that sank into dust. That was damaged beyond recognition. Which would take (I didn’t know it then) a billion dollars of effort to repair. Had there not been a unicorn monster statue which seemed also to be a creepy addition to what very probably was nothing more than a third graders imaginative letter to her teacher. Who undoubtedly was only showing me that to show off a little but in a nice way. A way that invites you in. And weren’t you just too broken and betrayed do let anyone in so you saw that note as a sign? Or was it actually a creepy fucking note. I’ll never really know. But I can guess and let’s just say I wish I would have gone on that walk.
I saw that then and I see that now.
It was very possibly something more than that. You have to keep in mind that I was under the gun of cyber bullying. And not just any cyber bullying. This cyber bullying was pin point precision cyber bullying as only could be done by someone who holds the keys to your mind.
Looking back at the note. I shoulda gone on that walk. But
I was in a different zone then. Paranoid and under attack.