Did I do a bad thing?
My head certainly goes back and forth on it.
That’s common. Thats cognitive dissonance and torturous.
That means essentially this….
Someone presets themselves one way. On the surface but acts entirely differently. Below the surface.
Than how they are presenting themselves.
On the surface.
But not just a little different. Totally different. Where they say they love you they actually hate you. To be blunt and put a cliff note like point on it.
The cognitive dissonance comes because. The result of being with them ( after not a whole lot of time)
Is that the hate is what you feel. And the hate is what starts to manifest.
While on the surface it’s still. I love you this and I love you that. Hence a mental confusion that along with a laundry list of other tactics serves to drive the victim mad.
Currently there are countless people on YouTube and in your self help book store who have been victimized by the same condition as I was. Not only that but there are also the predators in this scenario who
Fully own this behavior and verify their methods which are then cross verified by the victims. Ad infinitum. And ever increasing across many different mediums as well.
The predators in this scenario are famously good at being the last people you’d expect to treat others like this. That deception is their stock in trade.
My personal motivation for airing this publicly is multifaceted but this is the cliff notes version so rather than explain in depth (as I thought I already had)
I’ll make a short list. Hopefully easy for the people who are “trying to understand ”
So that they can just “understand ”
1. There’s no recourse for victims. Currently in that community. The conventional wisdom is once you’ve woke up to this horrific fact. Of a deep crime committed against you. And by the people you trusted most (another totally common aspect of this totally common disorder) That people you trusted most have been angling for you the whole time. (And by angling it can go from just trying to drive you crazy all the way to trying very hard to kill you. ) You simply are advised to move on. And beyond that you are advised to not display any real emotional reaction whatsoever. (That both feeds them,as they feed off the misery of others. And victimize the kindest people who can’t imagine that anyone could operate this way. and as their actions are mostly invisible to the outside it’s rightly perceived that if you cry foul you end up looking like the crazy one or else people will come to you “trying to understand ” rather than just “understanding ” As of now….You have to give it up to “karma” and move on. But, I think that sucks. I wanted to try a different tactic and see if I couldn’t open up different avenues for future victims. Which brings me to
2. In my personal case I lost connections with people I loved who I know loved me. People I still love who I know would still love me if they had a chance to know the truth. I couldn’t have this voice and not air my truth. No matter what the result. I know it’s “shocking” but really? How “shocking” is it? And how much more common and common still are accounts like mine gonna grow all the time. I imagine that soon a story like mine will be as common as someone saying they got hit in the face. And already certainly is if you choose to tell the right millions of people or not. Soon it will be like this. Person A will go up to person B and say “hey so and so hit me in the face” person B will go “wow that sux so and so shouldn’t do that anymore. We should stop so and so from doing that.” However….Currently for some it’s like this. Person A walks up to person B and says “hey so and so hit me in the face. Person B says wait…. you’re saying something disturbing and so now I’m “trying to understand. ” which part are you “trying to understand? ” The fist? The punch? The face? Is it that you think my face went looking for it? Is it that you think my face (though totally still) somehow drew the punch to it? Or is it that you don’t understand that sometimes you can’t judge the book by the cover? Cause now as I break it down. I’m now “trying to understand ” what you are “trying to understand ” is it that you live in a world where everything is simply as it seems? And if so what’s that world like? It’s a different world than the world everyone else is living in. Which brings me to
3. I’m trying to protect future innocents. And defend myself. Funny how that is by some deemed insane. I don’t really mind being insane this way. How insane is it to step out of line in this world? I guess I’ll find out. I mean, how’s the world doing? Everything going in a peaceful and sustainable way into the future ? Yeah not really huh? Seems like more people should step out of line here and when they do I think it’s incumbent for the people around that person to do a little heavy lifting themselves and see if they can move themselves from “trying to understand” into just “I understand ”
4. There’s a big difference between “I’m trying to understand ” and “I understand ” A very big difference indeed. I shall remember the ones who were “trying to understand ” and the ones who just “understand ”
5. Narcs invalidate. Narcs only ever are “trying to understand ” mostly narcs won’t say “I understand ” unless they can find a way to flip that into confusion and pain later (confusion and pain ? What are those things? Wait….I’m trying to understand)
6. I’m not saying anyone who says “I’m trying to understand ” is a narc. Don’t be ridiculous. It was a point I went off on (a real cliff notes no no. Wait… what are cliff notes? I’m “trying to understand.” Cliff notes are these small books that tell a whole story and try to fill in just the important details so you can appear as tho you’ve read a book without reading it. Narcs have cliff notes for just about everything in their life. They never really invest. Even a relationship with them is a kind of cliff note. When you wake up a big part of your recovery will be finding out why “cliff note love” was enough to trick you into thinking it was real. Discovering the answer to that riddle will most likely lead you into discovering some very hard truths about yourself. (Wait… I’m trying to understand…. what are you saying? Are you ok? You should probably get counseling. I’m trying to understand??)
7. It’s funny how as I air this out. Which is the bravest and healthiest thing I’ve probably ever done. And which is having the result of setting me free and moving on is the alarm bell for some people that I need help. That’s ok. I’ve opened myself up to that energy before. I know how to deal with it. (Wait…. I’m just ….trying….. to…. understand)
8. What more can I say so that you can move “am trying ” into the icon of the trashcan can and empty it?
9. Cliff notes to the cliff notes. Because let’s face it I suck at writing cliff notes. I go off on relatable points. I digress the way crackhead smokes crack.
10. A. NPD (look it up its all the rage I was victimized in a rather hard way by it. B. Still people in danger I care about and want to help. C. (But they seem so nice aren’t you being aggressive?)in this world appearances can be deceiving. Not sure if you’ve been paying attention to everything in the world or not but yes I know it’s mind blowing but sometimes people present themselves one way and are actually not that way. (Wait…. what? ….. I’m ……t…r…y…I…n…g …t…o… u…n…d…e….r….s….t…a….n…..d.
11. Try harder.
“Cut! ” the director yells.
“Cut cut cut. What are you doing??? You’re supposed to be presenting a cliff note version!!! You went off again!? Wtf dude. Simplify! Remember what we said. Simplicity will help them understand…capiche?
“Ok you’re right sorry. Hold on let me adjust. And re approach.
Hold on hold on….
Wait…. sorry that sucked. I meant to write a concise cliff note and there I went off again. All this way and that. Got little personal feeling. Sorry I’m gonna try to keep the emotions at bay.
Let me try to cliff note it again. Much simpler this time. I know it is confusing and this blog has swelled so might be hard to take in.The cliff note section for the people that are “trying to understand.”
Designed now to lovingly make it so they just “understand” instead of being stuck on the side of the road just “trying to understand ”
Cause what “trying to understand ” means is they don’t understand.
Which as a writer who is trying to give not only himself as a victim an empowered voice. But also trying to help other victims find their empowered voice. And then to stop being victims as he is also trying to stop being one. Because we can push this forward. One voice opens to the next and blossoms like a lotus flower. That’s the way consciousness expands. We can actually change and save this world. But it takes bold action against dark forces. We all must be brave every single day. Find out what you stand for and stand up.
“Tone it down gym teacher”
“Fuck you mr. Poet. You ain’t even showed up for this yet. What gives?”
“It’s too easy. I prefer more challenging fair. Cliff notes? Really? Only a lug head would think of cliff notes. I hate cliff notes like a boxer hates fat
I hate cliff notes
Like a kitty hates a rat
I hate cliff notes
Pin the wrestler to the mat
Broken scissors tiny windows
Like a loser hates his cap
I hate cliff notes
Cause I want the whole thing
I hate cliff notes
Because I’m a real being
And words should savored and words should be true. You should mean what you say. The way that I do.
“Well fuck dude. That was dope. I mean I think you’re an asshole still and wrong about my amazing cliff note presentation but I must admit that poem really gave not only a new depth of emotion to the over all piece. But was also just bad ass. Kudos dude. Now shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down. And think about how I balled your sister alky ”
So a sentence cliff note.
There’s a thing called NPD
I WAS VICTIMIZED BY IT AND HAVE BEEN MY WHOLE LIFE. WHICH IS IN NO WAY RARE. THE END.
if you want to find out or help in your quest to “try and understand ”
The best I can say to do is research the endless well of information about the disorder that is growing at an alarming rate both in book stores, YouTube and beyond. Namaste.
Ps. Also interestingly and sorta famously. There was a recent presidential race where also kinda famously one of the candidates actually displayed ridiculous amounts of signs of this little disorder I been in the shadows speaking on. Funnily enough he actually won the election. A little country called America. “Wait ….what? ….I’m trying to understand ”