Yes I know I’m writing a lot. Don’t be alarmed. Remember when Kerouac taped up rolls of typing paper to capture himself better in the flow? Can you let a guy have a Kerouac moment now and again? Without calling him a loon? Capiche?No I’m not saying I’m the self help Kerouac. You said that. That was you. Tho I will admit. It has a ring.
And when you think about it. Why not apply your gifts to your recovery. It’s what all victims of this finally should come to do.
I don’t regret so much about it. I get to be my authentic self with out so much hesitation now. It’s scary tho. Changing. Transforming. People think of you as even stranger than how strange they already thought you were. But you have to sorta transcend all that. Thru exercise and meditation. The up keep of which is a kind taxing discipline.
Not at all hard to embrace and even enjoy from the lowly confines of your new reality.
Here’s where the torment you’ve endured starts to bare fruit.
There’s always been part of you that knew you could do better. You could lie less. Cheat less. You didn’t mean too. You didn’t understand why you always lived below your core values you just knew you always did. And reinforced and reinstated the programs of shame because your body. Your atmosphere. Your friends your family. Everything around you. Identified you with that shame. I hate to turn lights on in a room you think is dark. But that shame you think you’re hiding? You’re not hiding it. Not even close. It’s written all over your face and across your whole life. You’re the only one that can’t see it. You’re the only one you’re even hiding it from.
The psychopath teaches you that lesson the very very very very very hard way.
How does that go. Well that’s a fireworks display of your shame for all the world to see.
No ones looking as of yet
But you know that gun is fully loaded with big cannons of your shame. To explode all over your whole life.
There’s a reason I’ve become more open about my sexuality. I mean a large part of that is basic identity evolution. I wasn’t always this way. But part of me was. How we grow and evolve happens to us as much as we happen to it. Oddly in coming more out of a closet I wasn’t trying to be in. I’ve turned all heterosexual again. Weird that. Anyway. Still no action no where anyway.
It’s hard to open back up after all this. And that’s not so bad either. For me especially having been in one band aide relationship after another. Often with very amazing people with whom I shared real love. It’s just that I couldn’t really give over and dedicate myself to anyone. Until now I think.
Now I’m really only looking for a partner. A long term thing. I like Rilkes idea. That we protect each other’s solitude. That we protect each other.
I don’t mind this change in me either. I just have faith that the right thing will find me at the right time. I don’t think it’s yet so I’m still not really looking. And don’t yet intend on starting. Still have to heal more. Still cleanse energy fields.
That reminds me of the other thing the psychopath experience teaches you. The importance of mantras.
That sounds weird right? How would a psychopath teach you that?
Well the way they use language and suggestion and hypnosis to control you. And after you wake up from that control. After the ego allows you to fully process what essentially just re destroys your ego to admit. in that you had been mind controlled. Imagine it. Talk about spooky action at a distance. I mean. And you thought you were smart. But you were smart. You were just blind in an area where predators are ninjas.
The pedophile revelation is particularly dark. It’s the revelation that the predators in this scenario are not only conscious of what’s going on. They know how to spot victims who specifically don’t. And who they can sense and thru some basic investigation which they are also blessed at. They can surmise so much about you that many victims never do know about themselves. In AA they call booze. Cunning baffling and powerful. That same language could more than be applied here. At least with booze. It’s what you see is what you get. You wanna keep endlessly tricking yourself in that way. Go right on ahead. But with this. It’s something more toxic than booze. I’d say by a long way. Cause unlike booze it shape shifts. unlike booze it tries to talk you into, and with witchcraft( I mean some of their shit there really is no other word for it. Even the ones who claim to have no faith in any kind of “magical thinking.” Still do shit that ain’t much different than spooky shaman shit but on the dark side of town. ) , hypnosis (this can be done even with pacing. The rhythms and how people talk can be used to great effect by those trained in the arts of manipulation. Important as well to keep in mind these people void of empathy. Don’t have things like love or regret or shame or any warm feeling at all. No dreams really. Beyond schemes, feel me, to make you suffer. Simple as that. So in place of where we put things like dreams and love. They simply develop the muscles in the brain targeted for manipulating others. I suspect many of them are probably gifted as teenagers in this department. Dr. Robert Hare talks extensively and very interestingly about nature versus nurture. As to how this disorder develops. In his landmark book Without conscious ‘ check it out if you haven’t already. Interesting. Not so new info anymore but still revelatory.
And that’s it. You also have to continue to remind yourself that this condition does in fact exist.
You have to in some ways kill a part of your nature that’s a shame to have to lose.
Innocence I guess. An innocent who never thought they were innocent.
How do people develop this?
No one really knows. As I said no one ever even invited me to give up my dreams. I always hinged my survival on them. And always do still. I mean. Duh. 🤽🏻♂️🚴🏆
This is a divided subject which is what makes it so near to impossible to write about. It’s really a haves and have nots. Situation. You’ve experienced the full breath of this thing or you haven’t. I understand that if you haven’t it’s possible that I over extended my ability to communicate to you what happened. I kinda fell into telling the story.
When I named the blog the echo maze I didn’t remember how powerful words really were. It itself is just is just walking walking thru thru and echo echo maze maze
The blog has ptsd and falls into a rage but it rages at the ones who raged before. Perhaps I should have kept it hid but suffocating Id and besides I think there’s people I can save.
I was Dug out of the dirt
by other people who were hurt
like neighbors in a yard that’s full of graves.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I guess that’s common sense. I hope that’s common sense.
I tried to make a fence where I could think and dance and hang on to the dreams that only we will find.
I know there’s many like me there. Who blindly wandered everywhere in a maze they followed echoes just because. There handicap is strong and there minds have turned out wrong so there staying by the ones who treat them wrong.
Put the Leash on little kid
Broken open there you hid
Aren’t you stolen in a bid to get away
Call the police 911
Make it holler til it’s done
Aren’t you stolen in a bid to get away?