The day psychopath free turned on me.
Just to let you know how deep hiding goes. I didn’t even join an online support group. Never left a single comment in any of the countless videos that absolutely saved my life. Only liked a few. And only started doing that recently. This also gives me a little credit for just how bold this blog is. I was scared as fuck. Still am. Not as fuck anymore. But I’m still scared. It’s just I’m not following that voice anymore. I worked hard to pay attention to my higher voice. The voice of my purpose where if I have to lay my own life down. Then I found a cause that I think it’s worth doing that for. And unless I’m hearing the big guy wrong. Which I don’t think I am. I’m supposed to be doing just what I’m doing.
So how did I go from not even leaving a comment to this?
It was “how you say?” (Spoken in a French accent.)
Accidentally on purpose.
Creativity is a well you can’t control if you want to find the true pearls. I’m an artist to my core. I approached this blog artistically, which means I opened myself to the deep forces and let go. That’s what artists do. The good ones anyway.
Do I regret it?
Of course I do. What’s not regrettable about any of this?
Would I regret it more if I didn’t share it.
Of course I would. How could I endure living in that stark hell and stay quiet about it. How can any of you?
There was a time. Probably around six months ago. It was a really dark time. I’d wake up frequently with night terrors. The cptsd plays with you where you sleep too. I couldn’t afford a shrink and the one I had for a bit turned out to be a fraud. At least for me. I think I read in YouTube clip comment about a forum at psychopathfree.com
I went there to join. I had swelling of hope bounce in me as I dialed it up on my phone in epson salt bath. I found the forum and kept trying to join but kept getting an error message. I didn’t really read it. I thought it was the internet just being dumb. But after about the fourth time I went to the page it told me to goto and it was message from the author who had changed his name to Peace.
I’m paraphrasing and just gonna give you the info it. It was surrounding by well wishes and flowery language. And I don’t mean that as harsh as it sounds.
But it essentially said
“Me and my partner are just going to enjoy life now. I can’t really invest the kind of time the forum needs anymore. And so it will still be active for current members but we our sorry. We can no longer accept new members.”That was the last time I tried to join anything regarding this at all. Or sought any support until this blog.
I guess I went from zero to sixty rather quickly. I guess that’s what happens when you hold back. A thing like this.
That message stunned me in all kinds of ways. Firstly from where I was sitting. I couldn’t imagine not making helping others escape this ordeal become if not your life’s work than at least a very big portion of it. I had never even vaguely close to been put thru anything like this. For me it was clear that there was gonna be. Before this happened and after this happened. And the two would only really be connected by a thin bridge from here to the other side of eternity. I took it as a matter obvious reason.
Now let me say that author of that book has done more than a hundred thousand lifetimes of service towards this community of healing. That book saved my life. Straight up. I am in no way stepping to the man who wrote that and whatever he chooses to do. I’m sure. I would imagine anyway it’s beyond helpful still. Point I’m making is , it creeped me the fuck out then. Firstly the name change.
On top of the shut down. It felt. Like. What the fuck? Now you’re hiding ?
This is insane I thought. “If your hiding? Going off the grid of this community. Could that mean there’s still torment I don’t see coming on the other side of healing? Why would you, when surely you could just higher an assistant to monitor the forum at no great cost, which I’m sure donations could cover. To at least keep open what surely must be one of the first places victims of this would go to look. ”
I was baffled. And the name change bugged me too. Not cause I didn’t understand. (
(Side note. (I just remembered my name is still changed on this blog. Joe Smoke. But that’s different to the point I’m trying to make which is. )))
I respect his right to change his name. I very much thought of doing it too and very much still might. However to me then it felt like hiding. Like maybe somebody was coming after him. I felt more unsafe that night.