Or Beyond The Suffering Of The Stars.
The blog comments. They’re kind. Thank you.
Words can unlock your emotions and send you spinning
It’s weird to make yourself naked. But for people who write. That’s the job in a way.
I don’t want to battle. But life is that way. This is a violent planet. And we are a violent species.
I’m not tho. I’m a softy.
But I can’t be soft
Or not how I used to be. Not now anyway.
Famously said this on love
“For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other.
I read it when I was a teenager. And it sounded boring to me then.
I hated the word solitude
It meant something different to me then than it does now. It meant loneliness. Or something even more than loneliness. I guess I sensed then that it would a painful achievement. Solitude. I was right. It is.
Now I see this as the ideal. I understand what he meant.
Protecting each other’s solitude.
I over protected my own solitude.
I let fear chase me away.
I’m trying to open up again. But it’s hard.
The cognitive dissonance
Is the worst after effect of NPD abuse.
Nobody is all bad.
That goes for Narcs too. I know that. And no contact is a brutal reaction.
But it becomes your only choice.
And after it. The good memories come back too.
But that’s also a trap we fell into before.
No one wants to remember the bad times. Or the times we got hurt.
In fact it’s a survival mechanism that we don’t.
And codependents have a capacity to forget bad times on a pathological level.
What makes recovery from NPD abuse so difficult is that it requires a rewiring of your subconscious.
So that the programming doesn’t trick you again into the submission of a predator.
The cognitive dissonance has layers. Aren’t we supposed to let things go? Aren’t we supposed to forgive and forget?
Isn’t that what we’ve been taught?
Isn’t that what the good people do?
But wasn’t that forgiving and forgetting and letting go also what destroyed us?
Yes it is.
Yes to both.
One should forgive and forget. One should let go.
But victims of this form of abuse can’t afford to do that. It’s such a painful thing to realize. As you get ripped between those two polarities.
You have to do deep work. And you have to keep doing it.
It becomes a thing of endurance.
To maintain your solitude. To protect your solitude.
Rilke talked about it in terms of another.
But it also needs to be said in terms of just yourself.
You need to learn how.
We need to learn how to protect our solitude without it becoming solitary confinement.
And after you wake up from being traumatized as severely as many of us were,
Your instinct will be to bury yourself in a fortress.
That’s what you will do.
And in that fortress you’ll work day and night. To find the door again. So that maybe you can find somebody besides you to protect your solitude.
That’s the hope I guess. Or if not that then fulfilled on your own somehow beyond the suffering of the stars.