Or playing leap frog in recovery
Some people wrote me concerned and so I want to say. I’m fine and thank you.
It’s not my agenda to worry anyone. But it is my agenda to write the truth here of the emotional rollercoaster of recovery. It’s a process whereby one minute your up. The next, three thousand leagues under the sea.
Today was full of loneliness and sobs
But then you break back thru and you can sense something deep got dealt with. Who knows what? And who knows where from? Subconscious healing is a tricky affair.
And it is an affair.
A love affair? Let’s hope so.
Certainly it requires a kind of commitment
And demands at least for a time that you be exclusive.
I think we like to think of the phases of life
As permanent building blocks
Which we won’t have to rebuild again but I don’t think it’s like that.
I remember terrible isolation and loneliness.
And then I went years almost never lonely or so I had thought. And it was true. To a degree.
But no phase is permanent. And we jump between them in nonlinear fashions.
Thru the process you engage in higher and higher levels of each of the stages.
But you don’t clear one never to return. This is why I still get triggered and feel rage one minute and then love compassion and kindness the next.
I want to chastise myself for these inconsistencies but hey, this is life and more than that it’s planet earth
And it’s 2017
Where everything is in a state of aggressive flux. We have to give ourselves a break and also permission to not only go thru these emotions but express them as well. Of course you will confuse and alienate, disappoint some. While helping healing and inspiring others.
But neither of those reasons are why you embark to express yourself.
The reason you embark to express yourself is to come to terms and then move on from life’s difficulties.
First for yourself
Second for others who will understand you
And lastly for the ones who may not and may even choose to condemn you as history shows will happen time and time again. Many people aren’t understood until long after they are gone. I hope I’m not one of those. But I am willing to be.
I don’t know, perhaps these posts are difficult to comprehend ?
I needed a place to lay my soul bare. I needed that and I gave it to myself.
It’s strange that in order to communicate to myself I need to do it thru others. But that’s how it is. Otherwise it just rolls around in your guts and sinks into your feet making it hard to walk anywhere. I don’t want to be afraid to share the whole scope of this thing.
Someone wanted me to explain it to them face to face . But that’s what the blogs for. How can you explain this in a conversation? You can’t. And it would take enough energy to light up a football field to try.
And still you wouldn’t get all the way thru it.
People describe recovery in three stages.
Stage one where you first wake up.
Surviving they call it.
I survived before I started this blog.
That stage was crazy when I think about it now.
All day everyday just researching and learning about a condition that had shaped my life more than I could have imagined , and holding onto the research was gratifying enough in a way. And the energy of learning and discovering the whys and what for was enough to motivate me on.
I’ve been there too.
New management in my career and reestablishing my connection with Real World and then into boxing 🥊
And getting into the best shape of my life. ( another cliche of recovery but glad to not be original in that regard)
And then the tour which was amazing
With the exception of Ohio
Which was still good and I’ve let the anger go. And won’t let that ruin my feeling about my home state. I just got mad at it as all. (The drama there was down to some people didn’t like my off color humor. Took me cursing as disrespect. Took my struggle with some sound issues as disrespect as well. As for the humor, well, it flew fine everywhere else. And you can’t please everyone all the time. Just understand, I meant no disrespect and I do my level best everytime. )
Thriving also came in the form of
(Oddly enough) epson salt baths and meditation. And juicing and really taking care of myself to the topper most of the popper most.
That’s the warrior stage.
The blog stage.
Opening up the whole story publicly was the most courageous thing I’ve ever done.
Not measuring that by how it looks on the outside but on how it is on the inside.
And it’s my attempt (as confusing as it is apparently to some) to clarify the work I’ve done to heal myself, and lock it in a keep safe for when I invariably move into stage four but to also
Give back this work which was given freely to me. I learned this from recovery in addiction. You have to give it away to keep it. So I’m trying to give it away. But it’s a book I’m writing as I move thru life
And as I said the stages of recovery, tho they can be marked off as “stages” are nonlinear. And so sometimes you go all the way back to stage one. As I did today. But you don’t stay there. It’s not months of being there as it was in beginning. It’s hours. It’s minutes. And then finally it’s just seconds. And then you leap frog back to where you were, a few stages up the road, but a little ahead again and with another lightness in your step to propel you to stage 4
What’s that then?
I’m going off script here but I think it will be
Forgive and forget. I know I know. Don’t forget all the way. But the thing is, if I do my due diligence here I hope I can forget entirely
And yet still be protected from the predator kind. Cause if I do this right
I will have built a new self that will not only not let them in , but won’t even attract them in the first place.