Had I died of a heart attack, The psychopath would’ve gotten away with murder. I mean I would’ve done it to myself, but not really. Just on the surface.
We need to broaden our perception and scope of criminal behavior. I don’t mind boldly calling her out because in my view, I know she was trying to kill me and other people. I lived through it but I very much almost didn’t. Also I’m bold about it because I can prove it. People lose their rights to a degree or the structures of what’s fair or not change dramatically when they’re engaging in nefarious acts such as these. My loyalty is to whoever her new victim is. My loyalty is to whoever her victim is after that and the one after that too. I was paralyzed by fear for at least six months after the discard. I’ve been a public person for 20 years and have had many nuts stalk me online and try to fuck with me through the Internet. But after the discard that shit went to a whole other level. And one night at about three in the morning after I posted something on Instagram about NPD awareness I had suddenly 100 new followers on insta. Normally I would get a couple new followers every few days and may be five or six something like that. So this was obviously very Bizzarre. I hadn’t hash tagged my NPD awareness or anything. So it was nothing to do with that.
Curious, I started looking at the new followers. It was obvious that these were all fake accounts most of them were filled with disturbing imagery. Each image seem to contain a threat. And and as I investigated deeper I looked at posts which correlated to important dates in my life they had dated back all the way to before we even started having a relationship. And it was clear to me that it was The psychopath. And the real shock was the level of malice in the posts which were directed at me and dated throughout our entire relationship.
The psychopath will let you know at the end that there was never anything there but malice. And a malice that is extreme. This was a complete and total shock. Because even though it’s already been revealed that this person is totally fucked up, you’re still under the impression that at least some of it was real. At least some of it was friendly.
At discard they aim to show you how wrong you are about that. In a way this is the strongest punch they throw. It’s terrifying because this was the person you trusted. This was the person you were most naked in front of for a long time. This is the person who had access to all your secrets , access to who you are, access to the most vulnerable parts of you. And now you’re seeing in no uncertain terms that this person hated you entirely.
They don’t bank on anyone ever admitting to smoking meth. They don’t bank on somebody completely opening up their life for the whole world. But this is the only way you can beat them. What they aim for is to leave you so broken and terrified that if you ever do really escape The horrors of what you’ve been put through, if you ever do gain any of your mind back, you’ll be far too full of shame to reveal anything at all about yourself . What they bank on is that you will forget about all of this. And it’s a pretty smart bet on their part. Usually that is. Unless they fuck with someone who can meet them in a place of endurance and strength. A person who was raised in an extreme way.
And I don’t have any interest in protecting who i used to be. The person I used to be, opened themselves up to a psychopath. I’m not saying I wasn’t responsible for what happened. In the end, we all are responsible for what happens to us. I know that. But a predator is a predator. If I was raped and I knew that person was gonna go on and continue to rape others I would do everything I could to make them face justice. Not for me but for the next. I’m going to survive all this, I already have. But I have high ideals and core values still (imagine that) . And those values won’t let me just walk away from someone who tried to kill me and let them get away with doing that to somebody else. I wish the legal system was set up to deal with cases like this. My objective in all this is to help others just in general because to me NPD is the problem of our age. It’s also on a personal level just to stop the predator who tried to kill me. And on the highest level, it’s to make change in the legal system. It’s to call attention to what actually happens with actual people. And how criminal behavior is going on all over the place without consequence.
Around that time of first waking up from the psychopath I had an interview to do on my favorite podcast WTF. I knew I wasn’t in the best shape of my life and I regretted that deeply because there have been so many other times in my life where I would have known myself much more and I knew myself then. Being WTF had been a long time dream of mine. But I knew deep down I was probably (at least) a year from being able to do that particular interview justice. My respect for Marc is big. I hated thinking that I was coming in there completely broken.
Luckily the interview went rather well, Mark was so cool, but what I regret is that I couldn’t meet him in the place of sobriety, even though sobriety and AA had been such a huge part of my life. And Marc is very open about his own struggles and recovery. That was once upon a time my wheelhouse, but not then. Not at all. I wasn’t sober yet. I was better. I wasn’t on meth and I was in the process of getting over this, but it was still before my family stepped in and tried to finish the work the psychopath started, and I was way further from the bottom of all this than I thought possible at the time. The interview was more of an overview of my whole career. that’s kind of what Mark does. I mean he does a lot of things, but that’s one of them, and that really worked for me. It was easy to just go back in the past into those happier times. And most of those stories I told a few times before, so it perhaps didn’t matter that I wasn’t on the top of my game psychologically speaking. And actually, I ended up getting lots of really great reaction from people about that interview. So Mark saved me I guess but I’d still love a do over. Also, I wasn’t even vaguely ready to talk about my actual childhood. When he asked about that I just said they did the best they could and said something like “you know we’re all crazy ” brushed it under the rug and even when sobriety came up I let him know I knew of AA and was a member sometimes but it was 30 seconds or two minutes of the hour hour long interview and my real interest is actually in the area of recovery, so I would just love to have a chance to talk to him about those type of things. I just wasn’t there then. After the interview aired one of the fake accounts wrote me. It was an evil clown face as the profile pic, it’s just said “great job on Maron I’ve learned so much. See you at your next gig.” With a picture of a gun or something threatening as hell. I brushed it off. Those kind of threatening statements and actions were a daily occurrence. After discard it was an overwhelming amount of that kind of Internet terrorism. It started phasing out I suppose after she went in on the next victim.
They want you terrified. Because they are. And because if you’re terrified you’re not gonna do any bullshit like I’m doing now. I couldn’t fathom this then, not even close.
I tried to explain to some people what happened. Everyone knows who’s been through this, there’s no really way to explain it. You literally have to write a book to explain it. Any one of these blog posts could seem like l’m the kooky one. But you read the whole thing it starts unfolding you can start seeing it, but it takes that kind of attention and time. A crime like this so invisible and complicated. The take over of a mind. The way these predators operate is a slow grind over a long time. it’s a multi tiered attack and there’s a lot of misdirection in it. If you’re in empath who doesn’t understand that people operate this way, you’ve got no chance, you’ve got no chance. It doesn’t matter how smart you are, ( do I seem dumb?) It’s not about intelligence it’s about awareness. And it’s an awareness that people can be this evil. When you consider all of tactics of manipulation gaslighting pathological lying. Neurolinguistic programming. Cognitive dissonance the list is endless, they fuck with you over here, misdirect all your attention thru drama drugs and sex and then get inside your mind to begin re-wiring your subconscious. And you don’t even know it, you don’t even see it , because you don’t think that can even happen.
And because maybe you’re overwhelmed by drugs and pussy. And maybe that’s quite on purpose. I think this is why I don’t mind owning all of this. Why I don’t feel any shame about it. (Or little shame) Because to me I see it for what it is I was
/is. I was the victim of a very bad crime. That’s all.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of there. As I’ve said this wasn’t a break up from a kooky dysfunctional drug relationship this was something different, this was something on the level of evil I have never previously witnessed.
When your mind has been stolen by a psychopath the violation you feel cannot be described. It’s total.
The sex (all of it) was a set up and a fraud in the service of your total destruction. If that’s not rape I don’t know what is. And in my case it was a year of that and then some.
Beyond the sex everything else has been violated too. Your mind wasn’t yours and you know that now. And the psychopath sets about reminding you of this in the cruelest of ways.
One of those fake accounts later wrote me when I was at the bottom of a raging addiction. It just said
Before I set about figuring how she did that. (It took a long time) that message just landed in absolute terror.
In a fragile state, getting prodded and tortured like that. It’s easy to see how a weaker person than me would easily be driven over the edge and need to be institutionalized or even take their own life. Her victim before me was institutionalized. Something she bragged about, smirked at and was proud of as she discarded me. She let me know though, that I got it worse. She said when I asked her about doing this before to others.
” yes I have, but it’s never been this bad”
They’ll let you know at the end who and what they are. It’s part of the deal.
When I got the “how’s Tina” message,
It seemed as tho nothing was my own. Nothing was private, and the worst of enemies was not only in my mind but still in control of it.
I don’t really want vigilantes hurting her. But I do want justice. And not just for me. But for all victims of this horrific crime.
Namaste everyone. Happy Fourth of July.