The healing cry
It’s a sob
It comes out in sobs
For months I’ve walked around brooklyn doing breathing meditations
Making them up
Breathing in words
Or loving and kindness.
Then Breathing out
And affluence or abundance.
I make all different kinds and different rhythms.
I even tried words like sexy and amazing in a social situation to see if it could end my celibacy, sadly it did not.
The important part is the breath actually. I think the practice came out of a way to really pay attention to your breath. Some practices do the same thing with numbers and that works too. But the words add power in my opinion. First there was the word. Remember.
The way the Buddha taught it was like this.
Breath in the fear
And not just your fear but the fear of the whole world
And breath out relief from that fear
And not just for you
But for the whole world.
You can try it with shame. Or really any negative and positive combination.
I was like “fuck that” at first.
I was too broken to breath in anymore fear.
So I cheated
And just breathed in positive stuff
And breathed out positive stuff.
Course that’s not really cheating and it’s a good idea. But after I gained my strength
I tried what the Buddha taught
And it was really powerful.
More powerful than the cheating one.
But you have to really pay attention. You have to practice.
It comes out in sobs
Now it does.
But when I was walking meditation months ago, I couldn’t feel this kind of emotion. Hadn’t gotten there yet
But what I did notice is my eyes would always cry.
They usually did when I laugh hard but this was different.
At first though I thought it was just the wind or brushed it off as nothing.
But it kept happening and I thought. This is weird.
I started to slowly suspect that perhaps it was bottled up emotions just beginning to express themselves.
But the thing was, my eyes were crying and I couldn’t feel anything. My body and my emotions were disconnected or something like that.
You could almost compare it (sorry for this gross analogy but it’s on point)
To like a zit that’s a real monster, painful and in desperate need of popping but still has too much hard skin around the swelling and so it leaks before you can pop it.
My tears were like that I think.
It took months of this before I finally accepted that that was what it was. And now as I go thru these sobbing spells. I have no doubt that’s what it was. The emotions are open now. I think the writing did that.
I heard another YouTube healer talk about this part of recovery months ago but
always wanting to be further along than I am
I was like
” well I’ve cried a little right? I think I’m past that part of healing. ”
That’s a laugh.
Hardly. I’m just getting into it.
Thankfully thru all my research I knew to expect this (tho I’d hoped to avoid it. Of course)
But this is the best part of the healing so far.
And I like softness.
It’s been too long in a cold hard reality.
This feels like I’m finally being loving to myself. In a way that I don’t long for someone else.
And pain such as this feels vital.
It is vital.
It’s the dictionary definition of.
It’s not giving up.
It’s surviving. Truly surviving. It’s healing.
Narc pain is endless and meaningless. It’s a far cry from healing pain. Those kind of pains should actually have different names. Cause there not even nearly the same thing. Both are pain.
But one is dumb pain.
A needless pain.
A silly pain but with dire consequences. The other
is the pain of love.
The pain of birth.
The pain of a dignified death.
Or the pain of a boxer in his prime getting hit once before he goes in.
I heard a different healer compare narc pain to a form of torture.
That does not seem too strong a word in my opinion.
It’s the pain of void which tries to hoist void as a God.
Licking the devils asshole.
Every one of them.
The healing cry however,
That’s a celebration
It’s an invitation
It’s a graduation
And it’s a homecoming.
Welcoming you back home.
Into your past but not with an idea to get stuck there.
On the contrary.
You gotta go there
To rescue the you, you left there.
Remember that kid?
He/she is still there.
Waiting for you to come home
Pick him/her up
And tell her/him
That they’re gonna be ok.
After you do that.
Then the sobs come
But you’re not alone anymore.
And a kid who was locked in the past
Is now free and smiling.