I had this beautiful vision. Since I started talking to my inner child. And since getting reacquainted with him. He’s so cute. You really should try it, get John Bradshaw thing on YouTube. Believe me, it seemed weird to me too but it really works. It’s wild that there’s a little being in there with his own deal. It’s a trip. It is painful but it’s a kind of wonderful pain. When you cry like that you feel more alive. It’s not suffering for no reason. It’s a healing pain.
I think what separates narcs from non narcs is that that connection for narcs is permanently severed. I’m just assuming.
Just from what I read. It’s like they gave up on life a long time ago. Let go of their soul. Built a false persona, the upkeep of which is an unrelenting full time job, where they really have no creative capacity beyond that. Their starving and need to feed. Unfortunately for the rest of us. There food is our energy. They need to find authentic people to feed on. That’s why they say that it’s actually a compliment if you’re a target. Doesn’t exactly feel like a compliment tho.
But I had this beautiful vision relating to my innner child.
Now that I’m talking to him, and because to me he seems real and I can see him in my minds eye. And he’s so happy to finally have a friend. It’s like he can’t believe it.
But the vision was this. When I was a kid I talked to God a lot. I prayed every night and every morning, and I felt looked after.
The vision was
If time and space is an illusion as they say and we can travel thru dimensions. What if the kid is praying to me now, from back then. And what if I’m communicating to me then, now?
It’s possible. I’d say I even believe it.
Maybe it’s not beautiful to you. But it struck me that way.
I’m baffled at what it would take to give up on life.
I have countless stories of abuse on par with the few I’ve shared. And it’s been ever since I can remember. I haven’t even really started digging that deep yet. But let’s just say, that was the tone the entire time.
And if I didn’t give up on life, then it can’t be about brutality that makes you give up on it. Cause. ….Bitch please.
So what then.?
I can’t even remember that ever being an option.
My dad told me who he was twice and only twice.
He said “I gave up on life a long time ago and have just been numb ever since.”
He said that to me exactly twice and both times, I didn’t really get what he meant but he said he did that when he was a child. I think that’s the closest thing I’ll ever get to a confession.
I didn’t get it then but after I started researching NPD
There it was.
They exit early
But they stay alive.
I don’t remember that option ever being given to me.
And really, why hang out if you gave up? Hit the reset. Clean your karma first and own up.
I don’t know, that’s just my way of thinking.
I always tried to include my folks and my family in my success. I felt guilty for my success. That wasn’t what was supposed to happen. The golden child was supposed to be successful but never was more than an amateur. She got her masters in painting but I also painted and became successful in that too.
It was an accident. One time she got upset that I never sited her as an influence.
She totally was not an influence. But still next time I did an interview I Big upped her.
I was generous like that, but my success was a big part of why I fell victim so hard to all this in adult life.
My success blinded me and gave me far more confidence in my ability to take anything than was wise to have. Mixed with self sabotage and fear of further success.
It had the result of me putting myself beneath people so they wouldn’t think I was a full of myself. I thought letting peoples obvious insecurities( even when they hurt me) just slide was cool. I felt above all that, in some kinda way. Especially during the first few albums when my star, tho slow rising, was definitely rising. Had I known of these covert opps then, I wouldn’t have played along with that game. But I was over confident and plus people tend to kiss your ass more when your star is on the rise. But as I sit here now. Seeing it all from a distance. Seems to me that maybe they were waiting til the descent began. Well that’s how it played out. And why I guess I was shocked.
I tried hard to make them a part of all of it but they kept taking swings.
That part of me is dead now. I think.
The idealist. I don’t have ideals regarding people anymore. I’m tempted to say that’s sad but what was more sad was walking thru the world absolutely naive. I’m not that anymore.
When your own mother betrays you, it changes things.
When you find out that they’ve been betraying you the whole time , it really changes things.
I’m already home from my gig in Ann Arbor. No after hang. I just do my job and go straight back in my room to write. Drinking cold press juice and eating macro bars.
All I wanna do is write and be alone in a room. I think I could live the whole rest of my life like that.
Performing is fun and the tours been great but who knows where that’s going.
I don’t really know what I’m gonna do. Or who I am now.
I’m really interested mostly in helping other people heal. I’d love to speak on this subject. I think I could help in this area.
And music is such a grind. I love it but, tonight was 100 people. You know , that’s cool and I’m grateful. Truly I am.
Just don’t know how much longer I’m gonna do that. I want to explore other things. I honestly think I could make money boxing. And writing. Or maybe I’ll go to Costa Rica and teach yoga. The world needs another yoga teacher right?
Side note. The apology from the club was as silly as the whole fucking thing. Here it is in full with names removed.
I got caught up in it yesterday and wanted to formally apologize to you. I was hurt because I was excited about having him at our place. He in turn is now hurt and here we both are, hurt. it’s dumb and I’m sorry.
The part I’m like huh?
“I was hurt because I was excited about having him at our place”
But I was at your place.
And I played a great show.
Why were you hurt?
Or does that sentence imply something more than what was written in the apology ?
Did you mean
I was hurt because I was excited about having him at our place and…. what?
And it sucked?
Finish the though silly goose.
That seems to be the only way to resolve that kooky and unresolved sentence with that kooky and unresolved apology which is really just as offensive actually as the first smear.
Jesus lady. Just let it go.
Don’t write an apology that’s a non apology.
I’m in no mood for shit like that.
Apology not accepted.
But then it wasn’t really given so…
I hate an inability to give just a genuine apology without any bs. Or self protection or confusion.
How about this as an example of a real apology.
I’m really sorry I said that shit. I was wrong and I’m really sorry about it.
Please forgive me.
Look at that. Easy.
Just a straight up apology without added confusion and back story that never happened.
Narcs can’t apologize
Not for real.
They always have to leave a back door open.
Such as a confusing sentence that says something without saying it.
That’s their stock in trade. It’s either
Say something without saying it.
Or say something pointed but blend it in between confusion and chaos.
I want people to be more than they are.
I want them to be authentic.
“And here we are both hurt, ” she goes on
I played a great show at your fucking club.
Then you smeared me.
End of story.
Just straight up apologize.
See the way they confuse it all
In her short apology
There’s a whole drama
That I never even participated in.
What the fuck?
I didn’t even meet this person.
So no I’m not saying she’s a narc based on that insane apology.
You need to see a pattern before you can call that out.
But she’s got two strikes in my book
First the uncalled for smear
And then the fucked apology.
I don’t know her and don’t really care.
I’m just pulling it as an example and because I just read it. And because it’s relevant to the subject of this blog.
Allow me to thank you blank
For giving me material to write about 😝
I’m not obsessed or anything. Sheesh.
Seemed like a good writing prompt tho. And it was.
Everything feels significant 🥊🌙
The synchronicity thing
When you’re doing this kind of healing work, you learn to pay attention to everything. In fact “attention ” becomes the name of the game.
In meditation you are really just developing your ability to pay attention , like a muscle.
It’s like going to the gym for your mind.
And you start noticing that everything is measured and significant
The music box thing for instance.
It’s a lesson to me.
A) don’t go back to Ohio anytime soon. Not because of one idiot at a club.
But because that idiot at the club
Was a messenger to me. And the message was , Ohio ain’t your home no more. And it probably never was.
Sorry I called you an idiot it’s just that
I was hurt that you were hurt
And it seems like you made me turn the tv on at my hotel room today
And then I had a California roll
And any way things got confusing
And I decided, even tho I never met you
That you would want to be called an idiot
And now look
Here we are two idiots.
That was my attempt at a narc apology.
I suck at narc.
They have talent. It’s diabolical one but they are good at it.
They practiced and practiced
While I was praying to God
And not giving up.