The no contact thing. Waking up alone and going to sleep that way daily starting to wear. I need to reup my efforts. I need to get out there and run. I’m not depressed but I can feel the waves of doubt and fear. Maybe I am depressed. The newness of your souls optimsim going something like “how much longer do we have to do this?” Rebuild a life. And not only that but rebuild a self. A self that can attract people who aren’t toxic. When you’re raised toxic, it’s like you’re fitted with thousands upon thousands of invisible sonars signaling the predators to come this way. It’s as if someone wrote it in my DNA. “Toxic people not only will I take your shit but I’m also impossibly attracted to it. Isolation not only becomes a place of comfort but also a kind of inevitability if you are genuine about healing. And when you’ve gone no contact with your family and life long friends (who are also obviously up to shenanigans. There is both relief in the fact that now your subconscious and conscious are working with the same or at least similar information. Alcoholics call this phase the pink cloud. But after a time, the loss you’ve suffered really crashes down and then you are left with the shambles of your existence. You can’t really afford to slink into depression. You have to reup your efforts. You have to be vigilant and disciplined but you also must allot yourself joy and ease or else you’ll lose your marbles. It’s a delicate or tricky balance and apart from endless virtual support online, mostly from clips on YouTube of people explaining exactly what you’re dealing with, and maybe (if you’re lucky) one or two actual friends who support you. Most are affected by the smear campaign and the absurdity (albeit entirely sane) and extremity of what you are attempting scares most, if not directly talking you out of it, will be eager to change the subject. It’s lonely practice. Self realization. It’s like with writing, it’s not a group activity. You follow your own thread. Your own inner guide and you power thru the seasons of doubt which may last a minute or could last all day and into the next. But you keep going. You review the evidence and the facts. You reconfirm the impossibility of going back. You are in between two types of impossible. You must keep going. back is more impossible than moving forward. You must move forward. You must become free.