Turns out it was just a mood
I don’t live in that kind of anger. But I don’t really want to edit out that side of things on this blog. I want this blog to encompass a wide range of emotions. That’s what you encounter recovering from this. To pretend outrage doesn’t exist would be bullshit. Turns out a lot about my life was bullshit. Let this blog then be an accurate reflection.
I mostly don’t allow anger too much space. I work so hard everyday to deal with these emotions in a healthy way. Basically training as if I’m about to box a champ. Meditating as if I’m about to meet Buddha.
And eating nothing but cold press juice and snacks that say things like ‘namaste’ on the package.
Don’t judge weed. My last blog post was pre weed and I was triggered. Self triggered actually. This blog triggers me. Excavating my past triggers me. I don’t want to deal with this. Not when I’m on the road. But writing, once the flow opens, is hard thing to put down. The mind just goes there and then you need to write something else. And with writing, the edgy stuff, the stuff you regret posting, the real shit is also where the blood is. So my policy here is to be loose about it.
If I make a fuck up or say the wrong thing, well…
allow me to apologize in advance. No doubt I will or have done.
But I’ll be damned if anyone really has really figured out the best way of dealing with a situation like this. I’m all ears. However I disagree with much of the conventional wisdom.
“Never call out a narc”
“Don’t let anyone know your alone”
“Be careful who you say what to”
Basically be a quiet little mouse. Recover and get in with your life and forget about all this you can’t do anything about.
Are you sure about that? And why not?
The “mistakes” I’ve made in my recovery have served me.
The big one, is calling a narc out, but when I did that relationship ended quickly.
Rather than months of grey rock and time wasting. Just done.
Doesn’t feel like one now.
I guess to put it another way, I think we as a community fear narcs too much. Which makes sense in a one on one with them as they drop their poison with percission. And no contact is your only choice. But in the cold light of day. Once you’ve recovered to a degree. Once you start building a community of support.
I feel obligated to protect future victims by exposing these predators. I feel a moral responsibility to do that.
It would be easy for me to ride off into the sunset and become a big success now.
And just brush all this under the rug.
But that’s not how I see it. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night, knowing others, even more vulnerable than me are in line to be destroyed. I ain’t having that.
But the road triggers me.
And in particular the road today which has my car on course for Ohio which I have to drive thru in order to make Chicago.
Reminds me of getting thrown in a cell during the holidays. And almost getting thrown in a cell the year before for the same reason. That reason being that I’m going back into the past now.
But I don’t want to go there.
I need to meditate and train and have a cold pressed juice. I’ll be alright.
Driving thru Ohio.
That’s a big trigger. Driving right by the old house.
In days passed I would have stopped and stayed. Wonder what the reaction would be if I stopped in for a cup of tea now? Boggles the mind.
I’m good tho. Don’t worry about me. That last post was written from my cptsd.
A very big part of recovery is learning to deal with cptsd.
Sometimes I’m good with it. Sometimes not so much.
As I said weed helps. Meditation is a must as is rigorous exercise and sleep.
The road is robbing me of those things. Not all the way but I was doing little else with my time before this tour than those things. And now it’s tough.
You only can get a few hours sleep before getting in the vehicle and going somewhere else. Finding time to meditate is becoming more difficult. And the exhaustion from the road is eating significantly into my ability to train at level I need too.
Not to mention the food out here is just processed garbage.
I think I’m just back on the material plane And not all that joyous about it.
The shows have been great though. Maybe even better than that. The hard work is paying off. Like I said, I see success in that realm as easy now.
Inevitable. But that’s not even my battle anymore.