I’m frustrated today. I woke up alone in a hotel and it took a second to even know where I was or why I was there.
It’s tempting for me to feel sorry for myself and just straight up rebel against God out of anger for what he put me thru by putting me in the environment I was raised in.
I don’t know I guess, in dealing with recovery and waking up to the reality of this condition, it just reframes my life in a way that makes the whole thing quite a lot darker than the already dark, I thought it was.
In short I’m pissed off and there’s no one I can really express that too besides God.
And who else is there to really blame? I could blame my parents, but my dad had a nightmare of a childhood that he would talk about all the time. It’s funny how I wasn’t really aloud to do the same thing.
My mom too must have had some shit go down to become what she’s become. I don’t know, that side of the family was always the “light” side. The West Virginia good natured side, wasn’t abusive when I’d visit my grandparents there. I used to love it when I was a kid. The four hour drive to WVA My cousins and reprieve from the onslaught. Not a total reprieve of course. But my father would be on slightly better behavior around others.
And so if this is just a chain of abuse where I am merely the last link, I guess it can end with me, and that’s all fine, but where do we put the blame?
Whose fault is all this bullshit?
I seriously now just consider this life a station to get thru. My life only makes sense in that context. Outside of that it’s a wall of pain.
I was always fighting to get into a position to be able to get healthy, I was just doing it backwards is all. I was trying to make my external reality ideal so that I could focus in on getting the inside together. Proper resources is something we need. Or something we think we need.
But no matter how much effort. No matter how diligently and hard I worked. And I worked hard. (There is a solid history of that. ) Things wouldn’t connect. People would always say “why doesn’t anyone know who you are? You’re so good. It’s a shame !”
I’d hear that all the time. Daily almost.
And not to brag but I know and have always known down to my core that I’m the best alive. How or why do I know that. Don’t know. I just do.
But you have to be to survive what I’ve survived.
The weight of dreams is tremendous coming from the world I did.
I hear Mike Tyson talk about the same thing. That same knowing that he was the best. He just knew.
He came from an environment like mine.
Meaning a loveless and hard environment where abuse was the lay of the land.
If you don’t cave into becoming a narc when raised this way, you become something else, you become a champion.
I am a champion.
But there are days. Like today where I wake up pissed off. And I feel like going taxi driver on these fucks.
These people who bully little kids. Should they not just be shot in the fucking face.? And by the way. To any of you toxic fucks reading this. Please come at me. I fucking dare you. I’m so ready to mix it up. Try me.
Getting raised in a torrent of abuse has 6 million disadvantages but one advantage (and it’s a big one) is my threshold for pain is off the charts. I can take more than anyone I know. It’s an advantage once you wake up, but it also explains how other predators can more easily get in a destroy people like me. Quinn Falconer has a history of destroying people which she brags about. The relationship she had before me, she bragged about putting him in an institution. And I believe it. The last night I saw her, after the whole con was revealed, I brought the institution her last bf went into. I said “you did all this on purpose and you’ve done it before!?” She had told me that her ex wound up in an institution because of Aderal. But I started to see suddenly the real reason was her. And discard, I said “you’ve done this before” she just looked at me and smirked and said slow and cool “yeah….but it’s never been this bad before”
I believe her. My threshold for pain is off the charts.
If I ever do step into a boxing ring, I would have to be out cold to stop. I will never quit and I can take it. I can take anything.
Quinn was pure evil. Actual evil. I name her because, why the fuck wouldn’t I? It’s my responsibility to warn others about her. She seriously tried to kill me and almost succeeded. Almost. I’m not afraid. These fucks have pushed me to blow up my whole life. Nothing is more dangerous for them right now than me. Does that put me in harms way? Probably
Do I care? No I don’t
Because I’m also mad at God and in my way, I’m kind of daring him. Like
What else you got?
You can’t make this shit worse.
My life bottomed out so hard. That really
What the fuck should I be scared about?
This whole world could tell me to fuck off and die and then maybe I would. But the toxic fucks that fucked with me need to watch their backs now.
My strength is coming back
And none of the abuse is sitting particularly well with me.
Not particularly well at all
I disown my family. I have no family
I have nobody basically
I’m totally alone here
Not afraid tho.
The narcs in my life created a high powered suicide bomber set up to blow up their reign of terror. They fucked up. I’m going to keep coming at them until their life resembles the nightmare they put me thru.
Exposure is revenge. They don’t bargain on it. I’m gonna just do it. Make the whole thing transparent. That’s where I win, cause I have nothing to hide.
I’m not gonna stop. All will be revealed.
So much is already.
I have a list of names. Anything happens to me and you will be investigated all the way. I’ve set that protection up already. Please try me. Give me a way to end your life without consequence.
Know that I want to do that and Also please smear me more. Make my life a little worse and see what happens to your face.
Make it just little worse and see what I do to you.
I’d recommend to any of my abusers out there reading this, if you see me walking down the street, you ought to cross to the other side. Don’t come at me with fake smiles or concern. If you catch me on a day like today, I’ll be happy to take this all the way dark. I’ll be happy to end you.
Or maybe I’m just in a mood.