Or Maybe I’m Just In A Mood 

I’m frustrated today. I woke up alone in a hotel and it took a second to even know where I was or why I was there. 
It’s tempting for me to feel sorry for myself and just straight up rebel against God out of anger for what he put me thru by putting me in the environment I was raised in. 
I don’t know I guess, in dealing with recovery and waking up to the reality of this condition, it just reframes my life in a way that makes the whole thing quite a lot darker than the already dark, I thought it was. 
In short I’m pissed off and there’s no one I can really express that too besides God. 
And who else is there to really blame? I could blame my parents, but my dad had a nightmare of a childhood that he would talk about all the time. It’s funny how I wasn’t really aloud to do the same thing. 

My mom too must have had some shit go down to become what she’s become. I don’t know, that side of the family was always the “light” side. The West Virginia good natured side, wasn’t abusive when I’d visit my grandparents there. I used to love it when I was a kid. The four hour drive to WVA My cousins and reprieve from the onslaught. Not a total reprieve of course. But my father would be on slightly better behavior around others. 
And so if this is just a chain of abuse where I am merely the last link, I guess it can end with me, and that’s all fine, but where do we put the blame?
Whose fault is all this bullshit?  

I seriously now just consider this life a station to get thru. My life only makes sense in that context. Outside of that it’s a wall of pain. 

I was always fighting to get into a position to be able to get healthy, I was just doing it backwards is all. I was trying to make my external reality ideal so that I could focus in on getting the inside together. Proper resources is something we need. Or something we think we need. 
But no matter how much effort. No matter how diligently and hard I worked. And I worked hard. (There is a solid history of that. ) Things wouldn’t connect. People would always say “why doesn’t anyone know who you are? You’re so good. It’s a shame !” 

I’d hear that all the time. Daily almost. 

And not to brag but I know and have always known down to my core that I’m the best alive. How or why do I know that. Don’t know. I just do. 

Delusional? Maybe 

But you have to be to survive what I’ve survived. 

The weight of dreams is tremendous coming from the world I did. 

I hear Mike Tyson talk about the same thing. That same knowing that he was the best. He just knew. 

He came from an environment like mine. 

Meaning a loveless and hard environment where abuse was the lay of the land. 

If you don’t cave into becoming a narc when raised this way, you become something else, you become a champion. 

I am a champion. 
But there are days. Like today where I wake up pissed off. And I feel like going taxi driver on these fucks. 

These people who bully little kids. Should they not just be shot in the fucking face.? And by the way. To any of you toxic fucks reading this. Please come at me. I fucking dare you. I’m so ready to mix it up. Try me. 
Getting raised in a torrent of abuse has 6 million disadvantages but one advantage (and it’s a big one) is my threshold for pain is off the charts. I can take more than anyone I know. It’s an advantage once you wake up, but it also explains how other predators can more easily get in a destroy people like me. Quinn Falconer has a history of destroying people which she brags about. The relationship she had before me, she bragged about putting him in an institution. And I believe it. The last night I saw her, after the whole con was revealed, I brought the institution her last bf went into. I said “you did all this on purpose and you’ve done it before!?” She had told me that her ex wound up in an institution because of Aderal. But I started to see suddenly the real reason was her. And discard, I said “you’ve done this before” she just looked at me and smirked and said slow and cool “yeah….but it’s never been this bad before” 

I believe her. My threshold for pain is off the charts. 

If I ever do step into a boxing ring, I would have to be out cold to stop. I will never quit and I can take it. I can take anything. 
Quinn was pure evil. Actual evil. I name her because, why the fuck wouldn’t I? It’s my responsibility to warn others about her. She seriously tried to kill me and almost succeeded. Almost. I’m not afraid. These fucks have pushed me to blow up my whole life. Nothing is more dangerous for them right now than me. Does that put me in harms way? Probably 

Do I care? No I don’t

Because I’m also mad at God and in my way, I’m kind of daring him. Like

What else you got? 

You can’t make this shit worse. 

Try me

My life bottomed out so hard. That really 

What the fuck should I be scared about? 

This whole world could tell me to fuck off and die and then maybe I would. But the toxic fucks that fucked with me need to watch their backs now. 

My strength is coming back

And none of the abuse is sitting particularly well with me. 

Not particularly well at all
I disown my family. I have no family

I have nobody basically

I’m totally alone here

Not afraid tho. 

The narcs in my life created a high powered suicide bomber set up to blow up their reign of terror. They fucked up. I’m going to keep coming at them until their life resembles the nightmare they put me thru. 

Exposure is revenge. They don’t bargain on it. I’m gonna just do it. Make the whole thing transparent. That’s where I win, cause I have nothing to hide. 

I’m not gonna stop. All will be revealed. 

So much is already. 

I have a list of names. Anything happens to me and you will be investigated all the way. I’ve set that protection up already. Please try me. Give me a way to end your life without consequence. 

Know that I want to do that and Also please smear me more. Make my life a little worse and see what happens to your face. 

Make it just little worse and see what I do to you. 
 I’d recommend to any of my abusers out there reading this, if you see me walking down the street, you ought to cross to the other side. Don’t come at me with fake smiles or concern. If you catch me on a day like today, I’ll be happy to take this all the way dark. I’ll be happy to end you. 
Or maybe I’m just in a mood. 

6 Comments on “Or Maybe I’m Just In A Mood 

  1. Many of my most significant spiritual experiences were when I was pissed off at God. Screaming and crying and shaking my fist in the air and cussing Him out for allowing all of the dark shit to happen. But I come out a stronger fighter and convinced how real He is when I’m on the other side, and so will you.

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  2. Reprenez des forces…DES PERSONNES QUI VOUS AIMENT ATTENDENT QUELQUE PART ! La fin des épreuves est pour bientôt je l’espère sincèrement
    Soyez prudent….☆☆☆

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  3. Loneliness, questioning yourself, self-pity, losing faith, rebellion, anger…Joe, these are all very expected feelings you are having right now. It isn’t easy. Recovery is a painful process and your wounds are very raw and open right now. You have earned the right to feel as you do and to express it. What choice do/did any of us have. It’s about our own survival at first. Later, when all the pieces start to come together, it’s about other things, such as making certain we never allow this toxicity to try to destroy us again and stopping the chain of abuse from continuing with others. Eventually it’s about living in, embracing, and loving our new life that we choose to create for ourselves…free of the abuse, free of the painful past. When you get to that point, there is no more pain, no more feeling of revenge. Just sympathy for the devil(s) because they are still living in their own Hell they created. And, you are no longer a part of their Hell.

    Go ahead…be mad. Scream it loud. It IS a sign your mental strength is coming back. And a sign you are moving forward in your recovery.

    And remember your own words…“I was always fighting to get into a position to be able to get healthy, I was just doing it backwards is all.” That is a major enlightenment. You must be healthy on the inside for everything to fall into place, for you to achieve the external reality you dream of. There are really great things ahead for you. But then you know that yourself. You are a champion…
    Michele

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  4. Third time is a charm I hope. I have written you 2 brilliant (or so I think) responses and this bloody computer has eaten them. Grrrrrrr
    Welcome to the land of moods, feelings and thoughts. Enjoy the privilege of experiencing them with your new clear mind. In the past you covered them up with chemicals or the self preservation defense you had to have to survive. Go with your moods do not try to push them down and swallow them like all the shit you have swallowed over the years (minus the mass murder thought). If you are mad be mad. If you are happy do something you truly love to express it…music, art, skateboarding…whatever. There is no one to negate your feelings now. They are YOUR feelings. You can create your feelings now. Yes you will have crumby days and days you are mad at the world. These too shall pass. You are truly on your way to be your very own person and creation that you have always known was deep within you screaming and clawing to get out. Embrace!

    As in one of your other blogs you talked about the road. I am ahead of you on the road but I see the top of your head peeking above one of the hills that I climbed (another bonus of being so tall). There are pot holes and ditches. Some of the road is washed out and even some detours but the journey is worth it. At this point I am standing on my own approaching my destination and I am proud of all the work I have put into it and where I have gotten. I am proud of how far you have come and the grasp you have on this nastiest of situation. I know you will be catching up to me on the road before long.

    The blog you talked about ‘bird watching’ I got it. I investigated this Quinn person. You exposing her as far as I am concerned was a public service message to all. These people should be made to wear scarlet letters/tats that exposes them. Also, I too have a list as you do. I wrote it and explained the situation and the names and put it in lock box in a bank in Florida. If anything should happen to me there it all is in black and white. EXPOSURE!

    Finally a couple responses on your father. You may have made these discoveries yourself but I thought I would mention them. Men with a lot of guns (gun monkeys I call them) crave power. If they can’t have this power physically they have guns to make them feel like big men. I can make them beg for their lives and I can decide if they live or die they think. Don’t mess with me I am the king…me and my letttttttle friend. Without the gun they really are nothing. They use their words like weapons….let me make this kid feel one inch tall and stomp out their dreams. It makes them feel 10 ft tall and like the king that they feel they should be. Also all the security cameras are just an extension of the craving for power. They can control every aspect of every life that crosses those cameras. Now you are MINE they say. They control and beat down. Words can sometimes be more lethal than an AK-47. I am glad you are seeing this.

    Stay on this road man! God is used to us having our moments where we release anger at him. That is why he is God. Shake your fist and say ‘fuck you’ if you need to at him or anyone else. Let those feelings fly.

    I hope this was not too personal. It is just I have been through it and I know of what you speak. If you have questions or need to vent please feel free to contact me. There are no stupid questions when it comes to these situations. Even if you need to just run something past me because you are iffy about it please feel free. You have my e-mail.

    Namaste
    Be well.
    L.

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  5. Gotta love when we get our swagger back! Leslie, I don’t know you, but I do know you because of our commonality. Love your fierceness!
    M

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