Bombing the blog with some writings I made before I knew I would actually share them.
Boundaries are fluctuating things. When I first started rebuilding and or building for the first time boundaries I still had narcissists in my life. I mean we all do but I’m talking about the actively feeding on me kind. I didn’t know it at the time. But I soon did. A disruption would occur, and that sinking feeling would well up. Oh no you’ve done it again my boy. You’ve drawn in another one. That voice would get louder and louder. The narc would sense it and begin devaluation in earnest. Against me. Someone who was already soaking all the info I could find on the subject. I said to one. Come on you know I study this shit all the time. Why would you try this on me. I’d get the look as she went into victim mode with eyes that said. Yeah motherfucker but you let me in this far. Quitting narcs is really like quitting cigarettes. To quit cigarettes it’s best to just go cold turkey. Take it on the chin and get passed it. Otherwise you go thru months and months of fucking around bumming smokes. Accidentally buying packs. Smoking one and then throwing it away or giving it to a bum. But with narcs the way it went for me was in stages of no contact. First it was romantic narc gone. Then it went elsewhere and elsewhere still. Until you start to see a pattern and the realization comes over you. Jesus this thing is deep. But that just stands to reason if you were raised by one or two. The last narc to leave my life was a business relationship. And after that. That was when I started really becoming clear. Is this what l Ron Hubbard was on about. Cause I do feel clear and this other thing that I know for a fact John Lennon would have given everything he had for. And that is peace of mind. It comes in waves. It comes here and there. Like splash from some euphoric ocean and then you cultivate it like a garden. What you thought mattered perhaps fame perhaps fortune. Matter less and less and what matters more and more is your garden. Things like fame and fortune tho still fun things to shoot for are only of value now in as much as they fit into this garden of peace of mind you are cultivating. Priorities shift. You have become your authentic self and so your center has shifted from the false center of the narcissistic programming into the much stronger and truer center of the real you. This peace of mind once experienced becomes obviously the thing of highest value. From here you are able to conceptualize ways of being of enormous benefit to mankind. And here is where boundaries grow from the fragmented baby boundaries of your initial awareness of being violated into big bad ass Tyson Fury level boundaries where by anything or anyone who infringes at all on that delicate flower that is your peace of mind. Gets kicked or should get kicked to the curb. You trust your intuition about people’s energies. Or your gut. And time and time again, you betray that and give the person who is already revealing themselves to your subconscious the so called benefit of the doubt only to find yourself time and time again chastising yourself for letting your guard down. Make way for the people who make way for you. When people stress you out. Ask yourself why? When is that ever really necessary? I mean there are times. Late for a flight etc. but you know what I mean. The uneeded stress. The ones who make everything difficult who once upon a time you would given a pass too because you felt sorry for them and thought they didn’t know better. But they did know better and while you were feeling sorry for them. They were sure they were superior to you and infact. Toying with you as if you were a pet.
How much time would you have given that person had you known the score? Or would have you said to them. On second thought you need to go fuck yourself. And then left without a second thought or any guilt at all. When you know this is how these beings operate and what these universal behaviors that we as a community have identified and come together as victims of this unspeakably awful affair.
This is why the truth needs aired out. I won’t keep their secrets for them. I won’t try and get revenge for brutality of the way I was treated. I will live and let live and even wish them well for my authentic nature is one of compassion. They did not kill that in me. In fact it’s only deepened. But that’s not to be mistaken for weakness and it’s not a pie in the sky refusal to see what is either. They are what they are. They are predators and there is no cure. You have to let them be and go no contact.
Im not looking for revenge
But I have no loyalty to those who’ve shown me none. And there is a difference between privacy and secrets. And your only as sick as your secrets and they’re not my secrets to keep. Had they not tried what they tried recently. Had I not really seen not only how little they cared for me but the underhanded way they delivered another dose of extreme emotional violence and they did it over a phone. Do not underestimate these people and understand that you are in a strange kind of danger when you first wake up. I can tell you how and I want to illustrate why. I’m a male victim. Not that the sex matters much but I think it plays into things like pride. My male pride was hurt. And before anyone gets mad at me and says females have pride too. Believe me I know that. I’m speaking on male pride in the way that male pride can often be dumb. Dumb in this case in that you think you know more than you do. You think they see less than they do. And you will be inclined to take some swings back as they pummel you all over the playground. Sorry to say. It’s not a sexy kind of revenge. But the only revenge is no contact. And you’re in luck cause it’s the only way to be somewhat safe from these nit wits. (I contradict this in another post. I know. But hey. Sometimes I say tomato and other times I say tomato)
Which brings me to another reason why I must tell my story. The thing or things they did over the holidays were extreme. Sloppy. Effective. But over the top. They left no way for me to doubt what was up. To the point where I assume that that was on purpose. Kind of “ no really, get the fuck out of our life” kind of send up and send off. I went from positive spirit freshly cleansed from ten days of soaking in sun and ocean and taking stress free care of myself. I went from that to a jail cell for the first time in my life based off of a phone call. I could bore you with the whole story. And someday I’m sure I will. But suffice it to say. They revealed that they are capabale of much darker behavior than I had known. I mean my father has an arsenal of guns and security cameras all over his house. Before my waking up I had written it off to old man bored going a little senile and it’s good that they’re protected all the way too what the fuck is he up to with those guns. I’m talking laser sight shit. They hit an emotional speedball at my psyche so hard and so on target right when They knew I was and they new in vulnerable place and victimized to the extreme by a psychopath. Let’s just say what they did to me was involve that psychopath back into my field of immediate awareness. It was a deeply cruel thing for them to do and for which they gave no sympathy or real apology and acted like I was crazy to react.
Predators like this are dangerous. Who knows how dangerous? I certainly don’t. I know my father is capable of anything. I don’t question that. And judging how much the heat got turned up after my awareness of this just began to grow? How dark does it get after no contact for six months? How does one even begin to find their way back. When every signal from them that you look at with one eye open is just more of the same invalidating insensitive unloving still obviously negatively intended stuff.
Those boundaries I was saying they grow to be as strong as peace. Because peace become your measure. If someone interferes with that. Who’s got time for that? When someone does that all the time you have your answer. They are chewing on your dreams.