But I’d Rather Save The World 

The time for nightmares is over. Now is a time for meditation and emotions you can see coming regardless of your wishes however you just let yourself invite them all in. When I write like this I hope you know I’m no one. No one is here. Just words presenting themselves. And it’s my job just to take em down without judging to harshly. It’s easy. When I’m in the flow. It’s coming from the real deep part. The same part of me that is you. And none of us and all of us. No one is writing this. 
I would have carried their shame to my grave. Probably without even deeply investigating it. Had they just been able to be even slightly nice to me. Or just not as destructive as it got. I’m loyal to the core. So I had to be forced out. And it’s always been that way. Not that I’ve always been the sane one. I speak now on romance. I’ve given my share of nightmares away. But it was never my intention. 

I would have carried it. But was forced out into the abyss. And by their design. As is a pattern we’ve all seemed to face. Give or take. The abyss can destroy you. In fact will destroy you. But it need not kill you. And then you are out there with no one and nothing but time and confusion. A heart so broken that it betrays it to call it a broken heart. It’s more broken than that. It’s shattered. If you are to survive it. You have to embrace a warrior mentality. It’s not that fun at first. It’s a bit fun at first. But it gets ecstatic and elastic and bad ass. It gets really fun in a really fun new way. You start operating from a new thought center. You feel guilty for your progress. Success is hard to take it turns out. You tell that particular version of Satan to just go ahead and get behind you. And you keep moving. Their gift keeping engaged in the structure. What choice do you have. I suppose that depends on how destroyed you got. If you were like me. You got all the way destroyed. And then like waves destruction kept coming. Until everything was destroyed. From there. With exception of some lapses into some drug behavior and sex. Which quickly corrected every time it would happen. Until one day it didn’t happen at all. And it really seemed like it would never happen again. Course you smoke the weed. That’s just common sense. It’s the best by far treatment for cptsd. Your other option is xannax. Bitch please. That shit is poison and a vehicle for destruction. You don’t want a pill habit. Liberate yourself from that nonsense. Edibles I found particularly helpful in the early stages of recovery. Can’t imagine doing it without them. Psychedelics are also of great benefit. More on those in the future. Outside of that and some coffee. Fuck drugs. No drink. No speed. No pharmaceutical crap. Drugs are media. One must be careful of the messages they are receiving from the outside. Haven’t we learned that by now and the hard way? You can trust some weed. Not xannax. You can trust psychedelics. Not alcohol. Not cocaine. Not meth. Cmon we all know this shit. I knew it forever. But it was yet another way I lived below my core values. I didn’t really know better. Or I did but I didn’t know how to stop. 

But the point I was trying to make is if you come from a place of infinite bottom then your potential becomes infinite providing you survive it. Which you did. Strange when people try to rob your health. It has a way of permentantly moving the goal posts. 

I would have carried their shame. All the way. All they had to do was at least keep acting nice. I’m being reductive of course. They were far from nice the whole time. I just finally learned to see it. And now I’m forced to tell my story. For my health and sanity. For my protection. Because people I love and care about have been lied to about me. And because the truth as always will set you free. I don’t think they could have stopped what they have done even if they wanted too. But I also think they didn’t want too. I could carry their shame but I’d rather save the world. Even if it’s only my world that I save. 

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