Ain’t Trying To Go Out Like Marvin 

Reasons for exposure continued. When the mask finally slips all the way and when this covert sabatoge is really seen for what it is and you realize that you’ve been in close proximity to narcs who aim to bring you down. You stand before many cross roads. The main one being no contact. It’s the only choice if you want to really recover. If you question the validity of that statement. Just pivot it to alcoholism and imagine an alcoholic trying get sober but still allowing themselves some wine now and then. We’ve all seen how that goes. And for the uninformed. Spoiler alert. It basically never works. 

But the other crossroads. Or one of the others is exposing your truth and your story and then exposing them. 

Even tho I’m still struggling with this. The part of myself which I identify as my higher self is urging me with everything she’s got into me exposing my truth and my words to help others and I know I need to and that infact I will. But I will need to write about my struggle to that at first. 

The wall I always hit when I allow this debate to exist for a few minutes is this. 

It’s a matter of safety. 

They know the goal posts have changed. They know you know and now that means you have to think differently. Look at how diabolical you recently found out they’ve always been. When you wander thru past down memory lane. The examples of their destruction and abuse are legion. And now that you understand that they have a condition which explains it all. This brings about a certain level of peace. Even within the horrors of the initial phase of no contact. But you see that your so call “family” was actively working against. What does that mean now. That you threaten them. That your very existence has basically becoming a living nightmare for them. The human embodiment of their worst fear. Exposure of the truth. All of their shame back to them. Obviously it’s just and obviously it’s justified. But we know how many times we turned the other cheek when that was the case. So it’s still in me to do just that. But where I hit a wall is that my last encounters with the narcs in immediate family were dark in shocking ways. I’m saying that matter of factly. It lead to extensive research where it all is explained and understood. So many examples of exactly the same type of covert behavior. There is no doubt in my mind about what this is. The doubt is only how dark are they willing to go. Is my mothers constant suggestions about how sick I can be. How I’m a garbage dump and concern and suggestions of throat cancer when she hears my gravilly voice. That doesn’t mean she really mean she really wants me dead does it? I mean she’s my mother right? 

But the truth is I don’t know the depths of the darkness they are willing to go. What I do know is the depths of darkness they have already gone. Which is plenty for me to understand that exposure is the only protection. The only choice. They operate in darkness. Like rats. 

In the darkness they win. In the light we do. 

I don’t want to expose my family in this world of Facebook and instagram. There’s something shameful about the whole affair and you know it’s so deep and so real that you’ll receive perhaps a lot criticism and opposition. But you have to question where is that coming from. Recovery from this is about learning to stand on your own two feet and speaking your truth no matter the fall out. No matter whether others approve this course of action or not. The truth is this disease operates covertly and by appearances. Narcs seem to be only concerned with how things appear rather than with how things are. They are quite good at making it all look normal on the surface. But it’s not. And just as they put their guilt and shame and fear on others. They also weigh them down with the burden of their secrets. Had they not recently gotten extreme with me. I would have carried it. And this isn’t pay back for that. That was only the wake up call. No what this is. Is hopefully a benefit to others. Which frankly would make my purpose complete. And the only thing stopping me from doing that is to carry the burden of a secret (that’s not really mine) for someone who has shown me in no uncertain terms that they want me dead. 

That’s reason enough. But here’s the clincher. Just how safe are you until that gets done. 

I had to write my own family that if I wound up dead they would be exposed. I told them that I had witnesses to all this and that I had warned people that if anything should happen to me to look at them first. Half a year or so later. Unemotional. Doing really great actually. Do I think that was a paranoid over the top message. No I do not. No I do not. May you never have to write a message like that. I don’t know what my family is capable of but I do know my dads got a bunch of guns with laser sites and I ain’t trying to go out like Marvin Gaye. Namaste. 

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