We Do Now 

Another Reason 
I mean yet another reason. Because it is my reality now. I can’t go on living with a secret like this. It’s a tragedy what has happened and to the people who don’t understand or have not experienced this condition. Well they simply won’t understand and you will perceived negatively by possibly many. But even measured against that, the truth will set you free. and if you are on this planet and living a life, I can think of no better way to live it m, than by making sure you set yourself free. 

It comes down to what will the neighbors think. and unfortunately for those raised in environments such as these, that very question has loomed over you forever. First, as a toxically strong energy emanating off of the narcissist and shame punched into you til that fear and that shame was transferred into you where it plagued your psychic atmosphere til now. 

And second when you’ve gone no contact and you know the story they’ve been told about you, is a lie. 

But even here now. “What will the neighbors think?” 
No contact
 is like death in all kinds of ways. Only more difficult because with no contact you could actually cross back over and see each other again but once full exposure has occurred and everyone ultimately knows what everyone ultimately knows. Or to coin a phrase. When the jig is up. It’s like death. If you’ve educated yourself to a point, than at the point of the next breaking when you notice all the behavior you will liberate yourself in concert with their reaction towards you into No Contact. 

When they ,being less careful , right at the same time when your awareness is growing. When they isolate you and outcast you and you are left writhing in that familiar and familia agony, then from there you become driven to educate yourself about everything you been thru since forever. And as this is happening to you now, your education options are not only endless but many of which are fueled by some of the most loving and unique and funny and genuinely concerned characters. You may even begin addressing YouTube stars, as if they were there ( I did/sometimes do) to break apart the loneliness. Nothing wrong with that as long as you’re laughing about it. They become your Defacto family and without a doubt your surest and best resource. Perhaps you can get lucky with a therapist but personally the one I tried was in and of itself a set up from the narc. And only served to set me back even tho direction is an abstract concept on this journey. Not to mention the fact that I didn’t have the bread to play therapy Russian roulette or really, the where with all. I needed a cocoon that I could gain insight in , in relative solitude as I healed enough, to progress to the next stage. So embrace YouTube. It’s your best friend right now. You’ll get off the YouTube tit eventually, or if you’re like me it will inspire you to think “what else could I learn “ 

Which brings me to the concept of your second adolescence, and or your midlife crisis, and or a perfectly natural healing step for an adult to take who has come thru what you have. 
I vote for number three! 
It stands to reason that you would have new passions that might upon first glance seem a tad alarming. (Playing nicely , you are still to the narcs narrative all this strange behavior. You can see them discussing with their friends their concern. Playing the victim. I don’t understand why he won’t even talk to us. He just lost it at the holidays and hasn’t been the same since. I guess this girl really did a number on him. Then come the tears and boom you are nice and vilified and wrapped up in the predators concern like a gift to the dark side. 

I’m passionate now about boxing. I even want to go pro but not only that I actually believe I can, and what’s better than that is I’m training like I can. My body is becoming as transformed as my mind and psyche and emotional well being. My dreams are being tended to constantly with slow yet strong steady concern, instead of the old way, which was aggressively ambitious into phases of vandalism and senseless uprooting. Punching myself in the face. Boxing allows me to be alone. I’m not chasing any kind of romance and I have no time or money to chase it down. Why should I ? Only to Uncover a bunch more toxic nonsense only to realize I’m still not ready. I already realize that, however my energy is back and its summertime in New York. People are out there half clothed and sexy as fuck. And I’m one of them. Not to mention the fact that my vitality and life force is much stronger than ever before. People react differently to me and for the better. But I can tell I’m still sending a fractured signal. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I’m not there yet. With boxing I have this healthy place to take that energy too, and take that energy out on. Directly investing it back into myself rather than some different version of crazy which, believe me when I say, I’ve invested into all of them and most of them multiple times. If this is a mid life crisis, then may I never escape from it. 

But the healing process resembles a so called mid life crisis in other ways as well. All the way into the center of who you are. Who are you when everything you thought before was a lie? When all that you did and said and believed was based on false or half of the information? You walk around invigorated and humble. Invigorated because you have more energy than ever before. You see, and can even really start to see, in before and after pictures , the results and effects of these toxic beings running amok in your life. So you feel strangely incredible and only strange because it’s odd (I guess) to feel so rejuvenated butted up against tragedy. But you’re also humble because you’re just figuring out who you are again, or maybe for the first time. To those unfamiliar with the polarities, dynamics and realities of healing from a lifetime of npd abuse ….all that you do…. will resemble a mid life crisis , but for one very important detail. You will be exuding happiness courage and power. Whereas if it were a real mid life crisis, you would be exuding fear desperation and regret. Sometimes things that walk like a duck aren’t a duck I guess. I guess that’s what we keep on learning here. This ain’t no mid life crisis. This is your first days out of the crisis. 
The way to frame this for people who are genuinely confused. (Because lets face it, you’ll wind up explaining this to some kinda narc somewhere who only acts confused to goat you on) but, 

For those who are genuinely confused frame it this way. Ask them how much physical violence would you take from someone or a group of people before you decided to protect yourself?

You already know, 

as do I ,

that the amount they would say 

was their breaking point,

 would pale in comparison 

to the amount of punishment

 we’ve taken 

before we had the courage

 we do now. 

One Comment on “We Do Now 

  1. I’ve been eating healthier post-narc. Working out with a trainer. I changed my skin care, my shampoo and conditioner to better options. My self care game is strong! And people at work have commented on how great I look. Brighter and exuding an energy they haven’t seen from me in a long time and even more than they were accustomed to feeling from me pre-narc. They aren’t aware of what happened to me, but they recognize the outcome. Where it led me and how it helped me change for the better. I don’t credit the narc for my transformation or growth. Sure, he was the spring board to me making positive changes, but he doesn’t own this. I do. I credit myself for being strong enough to heal myself from the narc and not be down for the count.

    Even without knowing the source, what horrible experience and person triggered me to make this positive change in myself, it’s clear to others that I’m healthier mentally and physically. And that is a wonderful feeling. Sure, external validation isn’t necessary, but by exuding positivity, I’m hoping it means I’ll attract it as well.

    In one aspect, it makes you vulnerable to future narcs because they target confident, happy, successful people they can drain and manipulate and break, but unlike before, you and I….we have new education and knowledge on toxic people that we can now utilize to help us prevent future attacks on our spirits, our beings, our minds and bodies. So yes, it was a hell of a road to get to this point, but I’m always focusing on the bigger picture…that the narc challenged me, broke me, but I bounced back and brought myself to a better place. And day by day I am healing more and more. Even in times of cognitive dissonance.

    And that, Joe, amongst those moments of hurt and grief and confusion and and loneliness and regret and sadness that we may still experience from time to time, is worth celebrating.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: