Grey Rock, Fuel And Other Terms I Hate. 

I’m at war with the language surrounding this disorder. The deeper into healing and understanding I go, the more I hate almost all of the terminology. 

You Say 

” cmon why make a fuss, we all know what it means, right?”
Wrong. We do not. 

Gaslighting? Are we for real on this? 

We are going to universally call a mode of behavior the DEVASTATION of which is off the charts, “GASLIGHTING”?!?!. And we are gonna bail on giving it a real name, but rather, let’s give it a cute pet name based off a movie from the forties. I’m sorry, but my experience with “gas lighting” and what it did to me needs more juice in the name department than that. 
Never mind that the soho shrink I was mostly tricked into seeing (psychiatrist. A fookin doctor no less) didn’t even know what therm meant in 2017. This is a doctor of psychiatry in SOHO NYC!?!) 
Never mind that for real. 

Cause most people nowadays do know what it means. Anyway the popularity of the term, or lack thereof, isn’t my issue. My issue is that this term be accepted at all. 

We need proper names for this shadowy behavior, which ACTUALLY DESCRIBES THE BEHAVIOR IT NAMES. 
You can see how of the upmost importance this is. When dealing in NARCLAND 
This behavior gets away with itself, in the shadows and ONLY in the shadows. Problem is, even when the lights are on, it can hide in plane sight, within the terminology. 
For anyone who doesn’t know what that means. One has to laboriously and after awhile, to me at least, infuriatingly, explain that the term comes from some movie you’ve never seen. It’s about this guy who flickers the gaslight and says he didn’t and then the lady goes positively mad! …. Really!?!? That’s all I got for the description of the behavior which helped to lead me within inches of my life. 

I need something better than that. We all do. 

We can’t let this shit hide in plane sight anymore. We should find terms which properly describe each behavior and/or properly describe the effects of that behavior. 
“Gas-lighting” should be called 


It fragments your mind and your identity until there is nothing left of you. It’s incredibly dark and destructive behavior with the most dire consequences attached. It deserves A REAL NAME. 

I propose 


And then there should be education about how 



The behavior which historically has been shadowy and hard to spot for most, impossible for some, becomes less so. And then less so still. The name is now proper and describes both what the predator is doing and also the effect on the victim. 
And now boom

Gaslighting can’t hide in some dreamy old movie anymore. 

Gaslighting is nothing. It’s a movie. 

Don’t you see how that plays directly into the hand of the narc’s dark psychology?? Don’t you see how the name, in and of itself is a form of the behavior it aims to define? This is just wrong. 

Let’s call it FRAGMENTING. that’s what it is and that’s what it does. Now the name is as dark as what the behavior is. 

And so people will automatically start to understand how devious and destructive it is. 
And then narcs won’t be able to Fragment their way out of it anymore. It will be known to be as violent as what it is. 
The way to win the battle against this disorder is thru exposure. The language is hiding it as much as anything. I think more. I think the most. 
If we call it FRAGMENTING 

Then we are also educating everyone about the disorder. We will save countless lives by changing a name. One name. 

But why stop there 

I think we need to change most 

All the terminology. 
Grey Rock? 
Grey Rock? 
Sorry. Bzzzzzz. Not good enough. 
I personally think this term is also insanely dangerous to victims. 
For one. And this really is the main point. 
Who of us is made out of rock? 
Let me answer. None of us. 

There is no such thing as “Grey Rock”

It’s a lie that plays again DIRECTLY INTO THE HANDS OF NARCS. 
“Why do you say such a thing ?”

I hear you say. Here’s why. 
Grey Rock (or observe don’t absorb) is simply impossible for anything that ISNT A ROCK. 
In other words, we are human beings. And haven’t we learned, if we’ve learned anything at all, just how sensitive everyone is here. And not just the victims. The narcs in their way, are insanely sensitive. Which is why they always feel their crimes are justified. 
But here’s the thing. The strategy of supposed “grey Rock” is actually quite good, if it were given a proper name. I. E. A name that more eloquently defined what so called “grey Rock” does to the victim, who is ( let me remind you) not a rock. I know you think that’s just a joke but I think it’s actually quite important. I’ll tell you why from my personal experience. 

When you are first healing from this you are entirely overwhelmed. 

And the tendency is to think you are much stronger and much more healed than you are. 

In your research, you come across this concept called “grey Rock”. Great concept. Works great. Don’t disagree with any of that. My problem is that it fills the victim with too much confidence ( especially in these early days) that if they observe and don’t absorb, they won’t really get hurt. They will suddenly somehow be like A ROCK. THIS IS A LIE. 

It still hurts. It hurts to watch your mother try to hurt you in front of your own eyes. It hurts to watch her do that repeatedly. I can …not react …and…. not totally absorb the blows. Yeah I get it. It does work to a degree. But 

It should be called 
cause that’s what you’re up against in those moments. 

Let’s call it 
“The Ropes”
So much better because 

The Ropes is what it actually is. 

When you are with a narc 

You are in the ring

We all know this. 

If we called it THE ROPES 

We can easily envision a boxer up against them with his gloves defending himself against a barrage. 

That’s what it is. 

When I’m in that position

I observe and don’t absorb. 

But the punches are still coming and you can still feel them even tho you’re not absorbing them. 

The fact that you’re aware of what’s happening and so ” observing not absorbing or going ugh Grey rock”
Just means you’re gloves are up and you’re not gonna get knocked out but you’re still taking punishment. You’re a very long way from being a rock. More like Ali against Forman in the rumble in the jungle as he went against THE ROPES and wore down the previously unbeatable giant. That’s what we do when we are with narcs and observing not absorbing. We are still getting punches thrown at us. Our awareness of that is our gloves up. 

If anyone’s tried going “grey Rock” for more than just a little while, and if the narc is worth their salt, they’ll get a reaction. You can only “grey Rock” so long because you’re not a rock. You’re a human and when your with them. Your up against The Ropes until you get out of the ring. Or go no contact. 
 I think it works well. And it let’s the newly recovering victims of this have a more accurate picture of what they’re actually experiencing. THEY WILL UNDERSTAND JUST IN THE TERM THAT THEY CAN BE ABLE TO ENDURE A BIT MORE ABUSE, if they observe and don’t absorb, but they shouldn’t stay in that position too long at all. Grey Rock can’t be a lifestyle. It just can’t. 

Also we should never refer to ourselves as objects. Especially rocks. They are cold and emotionless. We are never that. We are just finally a little bit defended is all. 

Remember, they like to consider us objects. It plays into their hand to turn us into rocks. Let’s not turn ourselves into them, for them! 
Finally , 


 “fuel” to describe what they are stealing from us M, like a group of cowardly thieves on the lowest rung of the ladder. Fuel is what you put in a car to make it run. When they are talking about fuel or “supply” they aren’t talking about gas. So what is it that they are talking about. Have you seen pictures of people before and after this abuse? The before pictures (or the pic where they are still in the abusive scenario) always depicts the victim obviously broken and defeated. Out of shape in one way or another and just lost and confused. The after pictures (the ones taken after they’ve escaped from these predators shows them fully engaged again. Vibrant confident and happy. A clarity in their eyes that wasn’t there before. A connection to their true self that was also absent. 
So what’s this mean for the term fuel? I don’t want to surrender the connection with my soul and its value to the word ‘fuel’. 

I don’t want to equate my survival on a word that means the same thing as gasoline. This let’s the predators off the hook in a certain way, yet again. 

(Seriously… I’m gonna start a conspiracy theory that narcs created all these fucked up terms. It makes sense if you even vaguely scratch the surface)
It seems they’ve said ….
“Let’s call the LIFE WE ARE STEALING. FUEL.”  
I don’t think so. 
They ARE stealing LIFE FORCE
 at an alarming rate 

and at a devastating cost. Life force. Life. Time. Life. Love. Life force. Not fuel. Life. They are thieves of life. Let’s call it what it is. Let’s NOT down play the words or make them less serious than WHAT they are. What they steal and what makes them tick is other people’s LIFE force, TIME and LIFE and ability to know oneself and even come close to fulfilling one self. I refuse to call it FUEL. It’s much more than that, and I won’t equate their crime with someone who takes a hose to my car and steals few gallons. I didn’t go no contact with my family because I caught my mom sucking a hose out of my car. I’d have simply made her a cup of tea if that was the case, and put her in front of a fire with a book and a blanket. 

If that’s what she was stealing. 

What they do is far more serious than that. And they are not merely thieves. They are assassins of the spirit. What they are stealing is not only your dreams but your ability to dreAm at all. 

My dreams are not supply. They are my dreams. 

My life is not supply. It is my life. 

My time is not supply. It is my time. 

My ability to think clearly and to evolve within a community of true generosity and support are my human rights. These people don’t take supply. They take lives. That how serious this is. 

That is what they are taking. 

That is what you are giving them. 
I think it serves us far better to allow the terminology to accurately reflect what it is attempting to describe. 

And I think there is no realm where it is more important than in the realm of NPD violence and abuse. 
And to me it seems obvious that it could not be much worse than it is. 
Or to put it another way
It couldn’t play into their hands any better than it already does. 
It couldn’t help inflict more pain, if it tried, on the ones who are now just waking up. 
For them we need to clarify these terms. 
If we do, we will help so many, suffer so much less. 
To conclude. 

No Contact is a great way to end


No contact gets it right. 

See what No Contact does. 

It’s crystal clear. 

I like it. 
Remember kids
That term can stay. And even namaste. 🙂 

One Comment on “Grey Rock, Fuel And Other Terms I Hate. 

  1. “Grey Rock can’t be a lifestyle. It just can’t.”
    It can’t be. Right? I mean, I can’t think of anyone right now who hasn’t told me to go “grey rock” on whatever is happening a some point and I just don’t understand that.

    Sure there are isolated situations in life that you can (and should) go grey rock about. Say with people that may not even be a significant part of your life or whatever. But most people offer this kind of advice for any situation, on any level, all the time. As if it was like that: a lifestyle. As if others are never responsible for their actions.

    My (first) therapist (who I miss a lot now that I moved to another country) helped me with this (still a long road ahead). There’s a difference. We can’t change people/situations. We can go a lifetime trying to go against what’s in front of your eyes and lose every time. Because we can’t change the reality but that doesn’t mean we have to stay right in the middle of it taking all the punches, struggling to achieve the impossible, which is to numb ourselves, (’cause like you said: we are not rocks) just because “that’s life”. I don’t know…

    Anyway. That sentence stroke a chord… “Grey Rock can’t be a lifestyle. It just can’t.” It so sad…




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