The Waves 

The Waves 
Or when your old self returns and can’t handle how brave you’ve become. 
This is when you must have developed your meditation self to a somewhat high degree, to survive this transition of spirit. 

There is no other way. 

As you crash your old computer , that is your old mind, and old personality , or as Dr. Joe Dispenza is fond of saying

“Your personality creates your own personal reality.”
The in between stage. The journey between one personal reality into another is where you meet The Waves. 

You might just be driving along and a good memory from your past will pop up. There were those too. Many of them. Even in broken families there are moments of warmth and joy, for the simple fact , that to survive, there must be. If the external environment won’t provide them, then you provide them with your imagination. This is why many artists come from households like mine. 

   In writing this, I’m not asking anyone to take “my side” This is a battle I don’t want anything to do with. It was a war waged against me not the other way around. And it’s a complicated explanation as to why I don’t really even blame the abusers anymore. There is no “sides” here. There is simply victims of a disorder and nothing more. I want them forgiven and not in my head is all. I want space to create. The freedom to help others and excel and to create a life where genuine love can flourish. I’d love to know that kind of love before I leave this earth. 
But The Waves

They come. 

You might still love your abusers. I do. 

I want to help them. I even still want to protect them. I would have protected them forever had they not forced me into an impossible situation, where the only way out I could see was to just get utterly real with my life. 

The fact that its a semi public life means the decisions here are that much more complicated. Both for and against exposure. 
With power comes responsibility. I feel that, but that argument cuts both ways in this situation. 

And really only on the surface. 

The truth sets you free. And the truth sets everybody free, even those who don’t want it told. So you must tell the truth. But the truth is not some gentle new age thing. The truth is a wild beast of a thing. The truth is cruel at times. For those of us raised in this type of environment or in romance with NPD. The truth is bizarrely cruel. Infinitely cruel. Shockingly cruel. Or any other heavy duty adjective you can think of which Hemingway would certainly edit out of his tight structure. But I must leave them in. They emphasize a point that needs emphasized. 
The Waves. 
They come back though. You wish you could just call. Just turn this whole thing around. You can’t believe this can’t be worked out any other way but it cannot. At least not now and the experts say, not ever. 
It’s as if they are dead and gone. But they are not, they are simply a phone call away. However , if you make that phone call, you can say goodbye to your progress, and much like an alcoholic who goes back to the booze, your former broken self will return and with him will come the stronger Waves, from the authentic self , which beats you ever more relentlessly until you return. Those waves are the really big ones. 
When I get the waves from my old self I simply put my thumbs and my forefingers together, wherever I am, and I’ve set it up thru meditation, to automatically engage my higher self. It’s a trick I learned studying Buddhist meditation and it works. Suddenly I’m on a big orange life raft when the waves hit. Suddenly I can embrace my fear. I can engage my higher self, which is no different from your higher self. And then I can let my higher self give space to my fear based self and then transcend the fear. It’s not about resisting fear, its about embracing it. 
I know from the outside it looks like my transformation came from some great disciplines or maybe even strength of character, and as much as I wish that was the case, it simply is not. This is gonna sound like a brag but I can’t even believe how ripped I am. 

I tried for years to get in this kind of shape but I was coming ( mostly ) from vanity. Which is a motivation so rooted in self that it isn’t particularly effective at all. And indeed after about thirty days ( at best ) of effort, I would get burned out or bored or relapse and then my permanent fat would return. My less than best self. 

But now

I’d say vanity isn’t even 20 percent of why I train the way I do. (Notice I’m still trying to be real about it. I was gonna say ten percent. Lol) 

My motivation now is simply and truly to help others. 

I want to be in this kind a shape cause I know I need to be to be as brave as I’m being. ( also the physical directly reflects the mental and spiritual when you become a hardcore meditator. And the process is the same for both. The impossibility of it when you’re at minute one of jumping rope and how you can just keep going when you’re at minute 20, is exactly the same thing as the way the first fidgety ten minutes of meditation makes it seem impossible but by hour one you can easily go into hour two. In other words both things require a small breaking of the ego or the limited self. And once you are into the unlimited self then you can fly) 
I know I’m in a fight, which I never wanted to be in, but I know I’m in it. I wasn’t aware of it until I was completely knocked out. Narcs don’t fight fair. And that’s another thing I think which explains my late passion for boxing. Boxing, at least conceptually, (I know there are nefarious forces here too, but you’ll see the point I’m trying to make ) is a FAIR fight. Even something like “fighting” I think deserves its due, in terms of experience to be had in this plane. I’m interested very much in engaging in a fair and gentlemanly fight. A fight I know I am in, as does my opponent, A fight we both stand to gain from, maybe financially , but in the very least personally and spiritually ,both in the training we’ve put in and in the wonderful feeling of having shown courage and strength. All good things, and at the amateur level, with head gear and all, the dangers are marginal. Let’s just say I’m not worried 😜🥊. At least compared to the dangers of the fight I’ve been in my whole life just to survive. 

And finally 

In my life

That’s what I’m most proud of. 

Simply surviving. 
A whole life where I thought I needed to be great to deserve my place here. I felt that way from childhood on. I was made to feel that way. To a degree it has served me and there are also aspects of how I was raised that I appreciate, but the abuse was extreme and that tends to grey out the rest of the sunshine. 
But the sunshine returns to you when you return to it. And it does so every-time. 

2 Comments on “The Waves 

  1. I am so proud of your writings. You have come such a long way even from your initial blogs on this page. You are seeing things for what they are rather than distorted views brought on by narcs or alcohol or drugs. You certainly are not alone in your former self medicating. I would guess about 75% in this form of abuse do it one way or another. The key is not to beat yourself up about it but move past it and consider it a learning experience.

    Today I was at my therapist’s office. (I go much less now since turning the corner) I spoke to her of a ‘friend'” that is going through much of the same things I did. I guess a small part of me wanted to make sure I was well enough to help and counsel and I need to stop second guessing myself. She advised me to just tell you from my heart and my experiences because she considers me a true success story. You will be too Joe. You are seeing what you must be wary of and what you need to cut entirely out of your life. Your mind is clearing and your body is reacting to it as you are noticing. Yes those memories will pop up and I too find that meditation centers me and I can move on. After these stop popping up consciously they will move to your unconsciousness…your dreams. They will pass I promise you. Just ride it out.

    Keep doing what you are doing. Having a second childhood or third or forth just go for it. Life is too short not to be happy. I don’t want to sound like a Hallmark greeting card but it is so true. Enjoy the sights, smells and tastes life has to offer. Be Joe traveling not to escape but to be whole.

    I will add one thing that I think no one has responded to you about but I will be the brave one. The sex on the other side of this is mind blowing! So don’t give that part of it all a second thought. I think you might be relieved by this.

    Be well. Namaste.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can feel your pain with every fibre of my being.
    It’s like mine.
    I only wish I will be brave enough to fight this pain back.

    Liked by 1 person

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