The First Domino and The Ultimate Thai Chi 

The First Domino 
Thing about recounting tales of emotional violence is it doesn’t come off well. Or 

It can come off ok if your describing an emotional violence the reader has recently endured and there is a happy ending about finding your truth and your strength again and/or for the first time. The other thing I notice is people expressing hatred is almost always unattractive,  even when the hatred is justified. When a narc expresses hatred they do it housed in concern. They never show hate like a speed ball down the middle,  unless their mask slips which usually happens (I think) kinda on purpose? 

This is why one who is freshly waking up from this absolute soul rape train of abuse stands almost no chance of getting easy support. A few things working against them are these. 
One 

they’ve been smeared relentlessly. Not only to everyone in their immediate environment but also on an internal level to their own self 

in plane sight 

of their own self 

and they don’t even fully know the extent of it. 

Let’s just say they are 

very far from the top of their game. 

And when I say very far. 

I’m talking about they are black matter 

in deep space 

and the top of their game 

is somewhere in Baton Rouge.  

That’s how far. 
Plus they have TRULY been wronged 

and so They have the truth and righteousness on their side. 

I hear you say

 “ but wait that sounds like an advantage” and on some level it 

ultimately it is. 

But not in this early stage of soul ass fuckery or recovery . 

Because then it just creates a blindness the narc doesn’t share in. 

The narc is busy playing everyone like a fiddle. 

The narcs emotional state hasn’t fluctuated in the least. 

They are ice cold forever. 

The victim is a hysterical mess nearly or clearly psychotic, who fueled by the outrage of the righteous and is loudly stating ,and not at all calmly ,what kind of “fucking cunt” or “cock sucker” just destroyed me. Add rambling about embedded messages. And being cyber bullied by multiple fake accounts . All of which commonly are occurring in this form of abuse. 

All that happened too me and much more. But, 

add up what all that sounds like when screamed down a telephone. 

Or sobbing or ranting to a friend. 

Plus you haven’t been exactly at the top of your game for months or sometimes years before this nightmare lands. 

The narc isolates and you help the narc by alienating others unconsciously. 

Not to mention the relapse you probably had if drugs and drink are your thing.  

And third 

because chances are 

that if you’ve been abused enough to really be broken wide open by one of these slime balls 

then more likely than not 

it’s run amok in your life in shockingly deep ways. 

My break up with a psychopath began a journey I never saw coming. In other words. Like with mice. If you see one there’s a bunch more hiding in the walls. This was the case with me. 
And as I posted on social media. 
I guess for dignity. 
To say that I know. 
To warn others 
and protect myself from a smear campaign 
other narcs (being that they think everything is about them) thought I was posting about them. Finding one and being broken by one. Was like the first domino falling. 
My point of writing all this is just to say I think I finally found a way to write about all this that doesn’t just seem a pathetic retelling of horrific tales. Or one that isn’t just an angry diatribe. I mean I wrote all those as well. You can’t help it at first. And I don’t mean to say you shouldn’t write with emotion. Or not write all that happened to you. I believe you must. To remember. Trauma like this gets swept away naturally. It’s called survival. We are programmed to forget about the big wounds. It’s how we keep on keeping on. It’s just that, being a victim of this abuse is really tricky. Tricky is a good word for it. The whole thing is based on a trick. They only operate by tricking everyone. They spend all their time in tricks. And as we all know by now. Tricks are for kids. And that’s what they are on an emotional level. I guess five or six. So I guess that means my ex narc gf had a great ass for a five year old. Drum roll crash. It’s a joke. She was fully grown mess and worse for the wear on an animal level. Spiritually she was Satan but emotionally she was five. 

It’s a tough thing to write with rage. Just as all things come off rough with unhinged rage. 

But it’s also hard to make funny. Just like they say. Rape jokes aren’t funny. Narc abuse is most certainly a form of rape. And if you factor in the total deception and pathological lying involved in the actual sex then it’s not a stretch to call it actual rape in classic sense of the word. Someone is having sex with you by tricking you in ways that are baffling and hard to believe. How’s that different than Cosby? Also the mind control involved. It’s an extreme level of abuse. I think a lot about it is funny. Just like any other tragedy. And you can definitely write some funny bits about it but to really break it down and express what happened to you, you can’t just lean on humor either to tell the whole story. 

I think the real way to frame it back to the narcs and the flying monkeys of the world. Possibly the legal system. Along with the people in your life you love, but can’t see do to this extreme situation. Is by making a real study out of it until you understand it on a kind of callous level. Until you’ve processed it enough to write a victims account from a place of power. This will give it a resonance that will bring narcs to their knees. They don’t count on patience. They don’t count on you processing all of it and remembering. They count on you letting it sweep itself under the rug as everyone moves on and you just want to think of other things. They don’t count on their influence being the wake up call your life needed and the fact that you will articulate the abuse you endured in a way that will leave little doubt as to who the victim was and who was the abuser. As you do this information is also traveling and expanding online and everywhere about NPD abuse, so You have that on your side, and if you can keep your head down and let yourself rest and recover and become a fighter you stand a chance of recovering all of your dignity. And then some. 

Here’s how. 

 End all the behavior that works against you. 

Start boxing. 

Start running.

 Start yoga. 

Stop drinking. 

They want you to drink. 

Stop smoking. 

They want you to smoke.

 Use them as a springboard to motivate yourself like never before. Pull the ultimate Thai chi and use the force of their negativity to propel you in a positive direction. Understand they want you to fall and do everything they hope you won’t. Im in no way suggesting to live for them or thru them

 but 

understand that you as a victim of something so heinous 

won’t soon forget them.

 so use them. 

Just like they used you.

 Use them so fucking hard that in about six or seven or eight or 14 months you will be so much stronger so much clearer so much more aware. So much more calm. So much more articulate. And you will have possibly rebuilt some old relationships, but more excitingly you will have made new and more powerful ones. 

You won’t be fueled so much by revenge. You won’t be outraged as much but you will still need to get your story down. And you will be able to do it calmly and cooly. You can throw humor in (that will help) and you can even magnanimously and maybe even truthfully throw in the fact that you actually feel sorry for the narcs, for they are literally damned to live in that vampiric state. They are maybe conscious or they may not be , but one thing I know is they have no fucking choice. You wanna be mad at somebody. Well I do too but the only guy I can manage to throw shade on is God. When I really break the situation all the way down in my head. 

I guess maybe I’ll get an explanation on the other side. 

But narcs ( and I’m not saying they aren’t disgusting pieces of shit cause lets face it) but they get a supercharge hit of dopemine when they fuck with people. With a brain that is seratonin deficienct (I mean cmon God!?! Wtf?) Couple that with low levels of serotonin so they are basically grumpy bored and pissed all of the time with no or little empathy to boot. It’s literally the only thing that gives them relief. They are bots sent from Satan to fuck with people. It’s totally insane if you think about. Who set up this crazy game of soul capture the flag and why and what for?

I hear that in an English accent 

“Why and what for mate, why and what for geezer?” 

 It makes me giggle sometimes when I think of the absurdity of it. I’m not actually that mad at narcs anymore. ( this feeling fluctuates quite a lot still actually)  I feel sorry for them for real. That doesn’t mean I make time for them. I’m aware they hate the fuck out of me. I’m aware they want me dead and ruined. They’ve showed me that plenty. I just forgive them and not cause I’m like Jesus. I forgive them because I understand. 

Still

Get behind me Satan. 

That’s become one of my mantras. 

Get Behind Me Satan. I say it often. 
All that was to try and tell you of a memory I had which made me chuckle of my narc father trying to play sports with me. Which nearly never happened but the one time that just flashed in my head was when we were playing teather ball and he let me win a couple points and then offered a bet

“ wanna bet on a game” he asked “sure I said excitedly.” I was loving and soaking up this little bit of fatherly attention I was probably six so of course didn’t see the hustle coming. (Sidenote. This will strike some as a sad tale. I don’t mean it that way , which is why I was attempting to frame it earlier mentioning about how these stories were hard to tell because they tend to come off as sob stories and usually no one likes those) so anyway I forget what we bet. Maybe a quarter. Maybe nickel. Maybe a dollar. 

But that bastard didn’t let me win a game after that until I had an extordinary gambling debt for a kid. I don’t know it just makes me laugh and almost see it as kind of cute the way these emotional children play act like adults. I’ve cried plenty. Sometimes it’s good to laugh. And plus I still very much love my family. It’s so complicated the range of emotions this disorder stirs in its victims. That’s what cognitive dissonance is all about. 

I was scared and full of shame and anger for losing all that money. He then eventually let me off the hook framing it all on a lesson about not gambling which was another one of his addictions. It was shit fathering but looking at it another way. It’s all he could do. He didn’t and doesn’t have the emotional capacity to do more. I didn’t understand that then and tho I do now I still choose no contact cause they are still sick and still abusing and abusive and if and when I’m better equipped to handle their vibrations I will see what I can do. But I also suspect that me airing my story in public is like coffin nails in the casket of my immediate family life ever being civil again, but who knows. Until then my life has become too great to give up now. And give to what ? A pack wolves who can’t and won’t forgive the perceived heinous slight of my attempt at liberation and who have been severely injured by my claiming and needing respect? I mean impossible really. I haven’t broken no contact but I’ve heard there’s hell to pay if you go back after making a break for it. The last thing they did to me which finally set me on the path towards freedom was so devastating that I can only agree with the experts who say they get worse and not better. I’m not going back. I still love them because I can. I don’t have to take what they do personally. They can’t help it. None of them can. 

4 Comments on “The First Domino and The Ultimate Thai Chi 

  1. The problem is that during the relationship, when we would be treated horribly, we’d have extreme emotional responses to being devalued, as any normal person would, but we were made to feel that we overreacted and must be crazy and that our heightened emotions were a reflection of our mental instability, not anything our abuser did.

    Gaslighting, as you well know.

    It’s why so many victims choose to suffer in silence.

    So now, in our recovery, as we digest and spit out all the emotions we have in the aftermath of discovering who these people are and what was done to us, it is still a part of us to wonder if our disclosure of all these emotions and our story make us look crazy. That people may think that this is an overreaction to being wronged or dumped by a rational person who treated us this way because we are the unstable ones and somehow deserved it.

    Venting, especially accompanied by anger or anxiety or stress, can come across as a bit out there, especially if what we’re saying is that someone purposely made it their life’s purpose to manipulate and emotionally torture us. Because most of society, like us in the beginning, didn’t understand that narc abuse is a real thing.
    Most people think of narcissim as vanity and not so much of a threat. Thus, it’s hard for them to understand the severity of our situation and not to assess whether this is just the rants of a disgruntled ex friend/family member/lover who wants revenge.

    So yes, we run the risk of sounding “crazy”, (and it’s one of the reasons only my therapist knows about what happened to me…also because my ex friend narc is a respected physician at the hospital I work at and is so charming that people look up to him and revere him and I just don’t want to be caught up in a he said/she said game with him. I just want to move on with my life), but the benefits of talking about our experiences far outweigh the negative.

    Thanks again, Joe!

    Like

    • I’ve learned that “charming” is a red flag. You can enjoy the company (casually) of someone who is charming but you don’t want to get too close. Usually they won’t even let you. They want everyone to like them, so they are charming and magnetic and draw you in, they may not necessarily be narcs or up to anything but I always find that “charming” is a facade.They are usually hiding something. Often though it does turn out they fuck you over in some fashion if they let you get close.

      Like

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