A quick note on comments. Sorry I’m slow to approve the new comments. But I have to lock moments of real strength to even peak at them. As I said I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of support, but in sharing stuff as personal as I am I have to pick moments to look again. Moments when I feel 100 percent. So thanks for bearing with me. Your comments and support are hugely appreciated. I’m sure I will soon overcome this fear. Namaste.
And on with the show….
Not a ridiculous reaching for youth that’s too far gone but rather a celebration at once for the life I might have had.
The Replacements versus Nirvana
And how I’m thinking of emulating Bruce lee by switching my fight style into leading with my dominant hand. Considering as well , skateboarding to work over the manhattan bridge. I’m in the best shape of my life. Physically and mentally and at 45 I’m having a second adolescence but not in midlife crisis grasping at unhealthy straws type of way. But rather the exact opposite. Im having the healthy adolescence I never got to have before. Simple joys like riding my long board along the water in brooklyn from red hook to dumbo. That might not seem like a big deal but it’s highly symbolic in that it represents something I love. Skateboarding that I let go of. How many other things that I loved had I let go of?
If you have toxic people in your life they will dismantle your passions and dreams far more effectively than you could imagine.
Human beings are more susceptible to suggestion than we like to think. It makes sense that we might resist truly acknowledging just how sponge like we actually are. It’s disempowering on the surface to own that. But actually it’s only in understanding that on a core level, that many of us can be protected from the truly gifted manipulaters.
Who can drip their poison as quickly and as precisely as a jab from Ali.
So quick you’ll never even see they threw a punch 🥊, and if you ask them if they did of course they will deny it. But pay attention to the small cut over your eye.
I box now as well
What’s that about?
First let me say these developments are happening from someplace deep and healing. I love watching myself become the person I should have been. Or like George Eliot said “it’s never too late to be what you might have been”
And my second adolescence is so fun. So good natured. So liberating and rejuvenating.
I had lost even my passion for music at the end.
I assumed I was on auto pilot and dried up.
I was old enough to believe that,
and society will certainly back you on this, that at my age, that was just the way of things. I was ready to chuck it all and go live some tormented quicksand to hell with my psychopath upstate. I was killing myself with amphetamines. My father used to talk about how he’d take himself out with cocaine if my mother died or he had some terminal illness. Strange the way these suggestions get thru and blossom into actual events in our lives. The power of these deep connections and relationships to influence cannot be underestimated or even fully understood.
But with the boxing.
I’m passionate about.
I’m passionate about so much again.
The only thorn in my side, is this passion wakes up the desire for self care and self love.
I hate thinking about the dangers I’ve put myself in.
How close to the edge you go when nobody gives a fuck about you.
Or rather the people you keep closest are the ones who wish you harm.
Whatever’s left of your self esteem and then like a boxer
steadily work you down.
Shots to the body you don’t feel anymore. Shots to the face you don’t see coming. And then come the suggestions.
The manipulations that push you into and towards the worst of yourself.
My weakness is for drugs sex and alcohol. So these were the areas they pinpoint and go in on.
You have no love.
No warmth or compassion anywhere around.
From yourself or anyone else at a certain point.
The psychopath sets up this kind of starvation.
Works you patiently and steadily so you don’t have any idea of just how run down you are.
And then offers relief from all this withholding,
that relief comes gift wrapped in your addictions and weaknesses.
You become encouraged on a soul level to destroy yourself,
and all this happens outside of your field of vision.
Because like a boxer,
you are so battered in the face you don’t realize at all how blind you actually are.
And mind you they realize everything they are doing. I mean, if you are dealing with the upper levels of this kind of darkness, which I am certain I was.
They are aware that you are defenseless. And yet they have no mercy.
Infact they are even more disgusted by you
and find you more deserving of total destruction.
And you by that point don’t disagree.
When I skateboard, I listen to the Replacements. My new favorite band of all time. I know there are legions who agree about this but,
Until a few weeks ago they wouldn’t even have made my top ten.
They are current number one. (Changes all the time)
I never fully got into them for I don’t know why.
But they have arrived in the perfect time. And the absolute perfect band to celebrate this scrappy punk rock but beautiful freedom I’ve found.
They are the soundtrack to my new awakening.
And it’s funny how obvious it is that my favorite band of my first adolescence got everything they did basically from my favorite band of my second.
It’s as if ,thru music, even the universe is saying. The first one wasn’t quite the authentic one.
This one is you finding you.
You were too submerged before.
It was still gonna be a long time before you get to see what’s happening here.
No offense to Nirvana.
I still love them but now that I’ve actually really investigated the Replacements it’s like they’re as influential and important as any band ever.
You can hear that they were the direct prime influence ,not only for Nirvana but (I think) for Wilco. Two of the other most important American bands. The Replacements are kinda like Americas Beatles and Stones rolled into one, so great their influence . But I digress. (As usual)
The point of this is to say, I’m not forcing or even leaning into this adolescence. And maybe it’s too judgemental to call it that. Maybe that, is another hangover from planet narc mind.
Essentially, what I’m calling a second adolescence is a renewed passion for music and sport.
Not exactly small or unimportant aspects of anyone’s existence
let alone someone who earns their money that way.
But I don’t mind thinking of it as a second chance.
It feels that way.
Not a ridiculous reaching for youth that’s too far gone but rather a celebration at once for the life I might have had. And also the life I am having.