The Mirror Vaccum, The Rack of Love and Hardwired to Hate. Then versus Now. 

Where I’m at out now compared to where I was then. 

Now it’s rare for me to get less than 6 or 8 hours of sleep a night and I rarely take even a half an ambien to knock me out. Aside from weed. I have no drug media whatsoever entering my system. 

Then I was frequently awake for 3, 4 or even 5 nights in a row. My ridiculous Aderal and vyvanse consumption had just started swerving into meth(which in spite of the much scarier name, essentially is the same thing as Aderal, which every other person on the street is on, and is basically a less effective version of the same thing, and for addicts, Aderal leads to meth because after you consume your whole prescription in three days that was supposed to last you a month you turn to the streets. ) Meth was becoming a habit. Funny how the deeper in you go into the black hole of addiction. The easier it becomes to keep wandering in. Behavior you thought outside of your capacity, becomes easier to commit and suddenly it’s a new habit. 

Now… I don’t drink or even vaguely want to, let alone take anything that comes in a prescription or dark street drugs. (Weed and psychedelics and NOTHING else) I wouldn’t even consider it now, I wouldn’t even dream of taking a half an Aderal, Now that the toxic elements are mostly gone from my life. 

I modified my behavior, or my behavior modified itself when I went into my healing in earnest. I didn’t have much time left , if I hadn’t. I promise you that. 

Then…not only did I not have boundaries, I also didn’t even know when they were being crossed. This comes when you are groomed for others to consume. It’s your roll from the time of your childhood on, to be fodder for the ego of others. To subjugate and take on other people’s guilt, shame and fear. 
this gets confused for love and so the word “love” itself becomes like a rack you are stretched over. 
The politics of guilt are ever present. And if you ever fend for yourself, you are made to feel selfish and unlovable. You are trained thru aggression to be dominated. This is all you ever know and all you ever see reflected until you are set off into the world where all kinds of predators (who YOU have been groomed to not be able to see) have THEMSELVES been groomed, or is in their nature, to SPOT YOU , with much ease, and quite like a pedophile picks out, and can sense the child who has flawed boundaries. They have that dark instinct and they play on it regarding so called “codependents” or empaths or people who literally can’t imagine anyone operating this way. 
Now…. I have boundaries but they are wobbly and loosely defined. Under protected here. Over protected there. They are baby bird boundaries still in the nest and yet kicked out occasionally and made to fly before they’re fully developed. Recently new layers and levels of toxic infiltration were revealed to me. Or…. just how sensitive and easy it is for a toxic person to land their blows. I relate it to boxing which,I’ve recently developed a passion for. Whenever dealing with a toxic person think of it like being toe to toe in a ring with them and the fight is on. This is the level they’re on. They are adrenalized and like a predator around prey in the field. Excited and eager to pounce. You will be in 💥nothing like this state💥 and until you realize just how every word. Every breath. Every glance is an attempt to derail you. You find yourself derailed every time. 
You don’t go “no contact” to spite the narc. You go “no contact” to protect yourself. 
When you’re new in this, you think the first couple tiers of awareness are enough to protect you. 

They are not. 

Let me repeat that. With caps. 
Oh boy do I know all about this lesson. 
You will be shown again and again how vigilant you must become. Your conscious mind, won’t be completely aware of the tenets of their abuse, and so you will be over confident and also desperate to fight back and try to even the uneven-able score. At this point, if you’re like me, you’re first moves in defending yourself, will be “mistakes” 
I put mistakes in quotes there because the mistakes I made actually served to basically blow up my life which led to all this healing so was it a mistake? 

Yes if you want to starve them of attention, which is really the only payback, I’m sure they love this blog in a way. It is a love letter to them. That’s the kind of love I come from. This extreme dark state. That’s what my childhood was. 

Stuff I’ve described here is the tip of the iceberg and the main abuser in my life was my father, who I haven’t yet even begun to write about really, I just don’t want to go there. It was bad. But I know I must go there in order to heal. 

But I’m starting with the baby narcs in my family before I get to the dark heart of my childhood. 
 Like in boxing. You are defending one side but you keep dropping your left when you throw your right. You have to learn as if you’re learning boxing to keep yourself defended at all times. Your conscious mind is aware nOw, but that only accounts for five percent of your brain. The sub conscious supercomputer which is the other 95 percent takes quite a bit longer to reprogram. So you may be disappointed to find out you’re still only attracting toxic people to your dance. 
I’ve been celibate for months now. I can’t even remember what sex is like. And I was a playa before this awakening. A playa with a capital P. 

But now I can’t trust anyone. Not yet. Not fully. And I’d rather just be with Christ or God or Buddha as insane as I know that will sound to some. 
This is because the sonar in your subconscious is still giving off the proverbial psychic “kick me” sign. You were groomed since before you could talk to swallow shit. It takes more than a few months and some boxing lessons to unwind the damage and resonate at the better level you soon will. But you gotta have faith. Faith and resolve. No way but up and thru. 

Then I was an unorganized mess. Disheveled to the extreme. With a partner who used things like embedded language and hypnotic suggestion. Sex and hyper arousal. Pointing me in an aggressive and extreme way towards self destruction. Nothing short of attempted murder. But try proving it. Those who know, know. Those who don’t may never. It seems an unbelievable claim unless you’ve experienced it. In which case it’s as easy to believe as it is to cross the street. I guess the controversy comes from the fact that their stock in trade is 
to make their victims destroy themselves. 
It comes from an animalistic place. Apparently they’re dopamine receptors are six times more active. And so when they cause upset and unrest and generally soul destroying feelings and behavior in others. They get off like a motherfucker. Coupled that with the fact that they have zero/or close to zero empathy and so their experience of life outside of these drug like hit rushes of dopamine, is an experience of little else, but anger frustration and pathological envy. 

Essentially they are acting like a tiger in the jungle. 

They are hard wired for this behavior. 

It is outrageous what they do and why they’re doing it. 

But they really have no choice, so if you have been ensnared by them or like me, born into a family of them, you can take some solace in the fact that they’re hatred of you is not personal. 
However they hate you to be sure. 
They’re actions will speak louder 

than words regarding how they actually feel about you. 
This is a tough pill to swallow when it’s your own mother or father or sister or lover. 
Or all of them at the same time, as was the case with me. 
The old foundation of your reality just disappears below your feet and then you free fall into faith. 
What choice do you have at that point? 

It becomes that or death basically. 

I personally take comfort in Christ. 

My only family or true love left is Christ or God 

The divine. 

Personally I resonate with Christ but also love Buddha and don’t think either of them damn the “ non believers” to hell. Plus, I identify as queer (the new way of saying bi) so my love for Christ ain’t homophobic and I don’t believe he was. 

But I digress , 
They are hard wired to hate you. So this is why no contact is your only option. 
Now, I don’t waste many moments. 

Everyday seems a precious opportunity. 

Does that sound twee? 

I don’t much care that it does. 

The main thing that’s been stolen from me is TIME. 
So therefore I honor the time I have like never before. 
The idea of laying around in mopEy state is unquestionable to me now. 

I make myself exercise and move a lot. 

What they want, 

on the way to your self destruction, 

is all of your attention. 
Like a mirror that acts as a vacuum, 
they want you staring into their empty eyes until your soul disappears. 

They create drama and conflict to upset you and distract you to hinder your chances of success. 

Groomed in this environment you would never in a million years know how effective even one negative suggestion can be. 

You must see this as BOXING 🥊

One negative suggestion is like being hit in the face with a jab. 

Your guard was down. 

And like that jab…. Just that one negative suggestion can knock you out. 

 if you were raised in this hailstorm of abuse, 

then the idea of one negative suggestion doing anything at all seems absurd. 

You don’t protect yourself to that degree. 

You wouldn’t even dream of it. You’ve been told people who do that, are crazy and overly sensitive. You get looked at strangely and negatively reinforced when you do anything to protect yourself. 

You wouldn’t even notice or see just one negative suggestion. 

You would have been groomed to not notice flying bullets such as these. 

Only the big meltdown knock out punches even register at all,

and those are quickly blame shifted into being your fault and to provide you an opportunity to grovel for forgiveness at finally somewhat defending yourself against an unending barrage of abuse and neglect. 
So of course small fair gets overlooked. It’s survival and it’s too horrendous to notice that you not only live in a psychic pile of shit, but also psychic shit is all anyone ever gives you. You go out into the world blind to all of this and predators… see you coming miles off. A good natured dupe set up to grin and bare it. Prepare for thirty years or so of eating shit until you finally wake up to what’s going on. If you ever do. 
How many suicides have there been where the victim got shot by their mother or father or wife or husband or “best friend” thru gas lighting and shame dumping, invalidation and suggestion working up to puppeting the victims own hand into pulling the trigger? I can assure you it’s countless. Stay strong and move on. Go no contact and realize it all gets better. Tho it seems impossible to believe. It does get better. Namaste. 

6 Comments on “The Mirror Vaccum, The Rack of Love and Hardwired to Hate. Then versus Now. 

  1. Although I am embarrassed by how codependent I acted with my ex friend narc, I do think maybe the universe set up our meeting for a reason. Not fate. But I just mean, maybe I needed this for myself. To tap into a part of me I’d buried and didn’t know existed and heal that part of me to save me from “mistakes” later on in life that may have even worse consequences. To truly move forward as a human being in a happy healthy way. But boy, was this ever a tough lesson – a learning experience in spades.

    I was healthy and happy before the narc entered my life ((which is obviously why I was targeted), and then I got caught up in despair and anxiety and stress during our friendship, and have cycled through Anger, sadness, grief, heartache since the Discard. But as a result of that “friendship” I was able to start therapy and find out more about myself than ever before and set myself on an even happier, healthier path than I ever though possible or even though I needed pre-narc. Since the Discard I’ve learned my father was a narc and that’s where my wounded codependency with my ex friend narc originated from. I had never been codependent or had anxious attachments with anyone before this “friend” entered my life. But then again, I’d never known any narcs before, aside from my father. But my father I cut out easily when I was in my teens . So I didn’t think he had any bearing on my ability as an adult to pick friends and lovers and influence how I allowed myself to be treated. Even know when I think of him, I have no remorse for our lost relationship. I know he is toxic and I’m glad to be without him. So you’d think I’d be able to do that with any toxic person, right? Wrong. Because my core wound was never addressed, so without my knowledge, I was susceptible to narc abuse from another source. All it took was one narc and I got a huge awakening.

    I was always a runner, but post Discard, now I’ve incorporated a personal trainer/strength training into my regime. I’m eating healthier. I’ve even changed my shampoo and conditioner and body wash and moisturizer to organic options. I have massage therapy covered through my benefits at work so I’ve started to utilize that for the first time. My self care is so much better and I’m empowering myself, not allowing someone else to determined whether I’m happy or sad, etc.

    So you’re right. There are no mistakes. Because as painful as this all was, dare I say that in the end I’m better off? Never again will I be manipulated. Never again will I allow codependency to run my life and form my relationships. I’m more aware of my boundaries and I am not saying it’ll be easy, but I’m determined to enforce them with every friend and family member if I feel I am being taken advantage of (thankfully all of the people in my life now aren’t narcs) And if the ex friend narc comes around, like he did the other day for the first time when I thought for sure his cruel and cold Discard meant he was truthful in that he wanted nothing more to do with me, I will always pause, take three breaths, and consciously choose how to act around him. Sure, that fight or flight mode may be triggered, which is out of my control, but the way I respond to that, respond to him… the way I choose to talk myself and guide myself back down from that state, is in my control. We can own that response now that we are educated on these toxic people.

    Great post, as always. Big hugs to you, Joe.


  2. Oh and I meant to also say that you’re right in that education itself does not mean you are protected from these people. It is how you apply that education, those life lessons, that determine your safety and protection. Because the cognitive dissonance will always be something we battle with. Emotionally, you think back to the “good times” or when they tricked us into trusting them. How they seemed to be sincere. How they seemed to care and love us and triggered the hormonal (dopamine, serotonin, Oxytocin) highs and lows in us and lured us in. On the other hand, rationally, you know their MO. You know the game. How dangerous they are. You know how you SHOULD respond (or not respond) to them to avoid being sucked back into their toxicity, but if you don’t apply that knowledge, you’re still vulnerable to their abuse. Therefore, awareness is important, but application…putting into practice what we learned… is what ultimately will save and protect us in the future.


  3. I’m glad you’re using this means as a way of getting out all the toxic bullshit, Joe. I’m sure you’ve just tapped the surface so keep on going. You are on the right path and doing what’s necessary to get healthy, both physically and mentally. I’m happy for you. I’m happy for me too, because that means you are still here with us, creating, sharing and just being you! Looking forward to your show Sat night in VA. Be well!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Every day is a precious opportunity indeed. Time is a subject I find myself writing/thinking about pretty frequently. I feel I wasted too much of it. Some have been stolen from me and I think that I should have known better. But I didn’t. Some I wasted on adictions, to people, to drugs, to fear.

    So every day is a precious opportunity. No doubt about it. Because time never comes back. Actually, all it does is go away.

    For the past three years I really started to fight the fear, of being wrong, of not being good enough, etc. All those awful feelings that become part of your skin that hurt so much. I try to be aware, to identify that moment when I’m not being true to myself and I act/react from the cassette that was recorded/ and some may be trying to keep recording in my mind.
    I don’t consider myself particularly a strong person but I mean, I think I’m making good progress here.
    And so are you! (Enough about me)
    You are on a wonderful journey now, even if it feels scary and tiring sometimes.

    And like many people who have shown you love and support, I am here for you, even though we don’t know each other. Just like you have, without knowing it, been there for me.

    You are loved, Joe.



  5. i was driving and listening to music when one of my favorite songs came on and it made me think of you and your blogs… especially today’s post.


    i took a drive today
    time to emancipate
    i guess it was the beatings made me wise
    but i’m not about to give thanks, or apologize
    i couldn’t breathe, holdin’ me down
    hand on my face, pushed to the ground
    enmity gauged, united by fear
    forced to endure what i could not forgive…
    i seem to look away
    wounds in the mirror waved
    it wasn’t my surface most defiled
    head at your feet, fool to your crown
    fist on my plate, swallowed it down
    enmity gauged, united by fear
    tried to endure what i could not forgive
    saw things
    saw things
    saw things
    saw things
    once you, were in my…
    rearview mirror…
    i gather speed from you fucking with me
    once and for all i’m far away
    i hardly believe, finally the shades…are raised…
    saw things so much clearer
    once you, once you…
    saw things so much clearer
    once you, once you…

    pearl jam


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