Somebody in a comment asked me to write about how boundaries led to my life falling apart/coming together, or how once I became aware of the predatory nature of the toxic relationship, and then educated myself enough to begin to practice my right to having boundaries with certain individuals, funny things began to occur.
You see, I was under the assumption that because I started posting publicly, albeit vaguely, that I had endured a dalliance with a psychopath (which annoyingly has to always be followed by … no I mean A REAL PSYCHOPATH … I have much to say about why the language surrounding this disorder is one of the disorders very favorite places to hide. I’d love to be part of a take down of the way it hides in vague and/or overused language)
But as I was saying I had assumed that because I was being quite open about how I was now “in the know” about all this horse shit. That the toxic ones who (at this point, I only half expected) would logically be on their “best behavior “
I mean … right?
That’s what I assumed.
Still seems a logical conclusion to me (kinda)
Like I fired a warning shot. A few of them actually
As with all other things in narc land..
Up is down
Pink is platinum
Christ is a snake in the grass
But Clapton is still god funnily enough.
(Gotta keep laughin)
But point is. My boundaries ,
and mind you, they were baby boundaries at this point.
Did not send them the message to be in very good behavior at all.
They turned into various versions of Linda Blair in the exorcist, right before my befuddled and flabbergasted eyes.
Now mind you this coincides with me, on my side of all this,
still very much in the burn of having been soul raped for a year by a psychopath, and none to pleased about it.
I can tell you I was none to pleased about it at all.
And motivated, like crazy, to get my soul back. I wasn’t gonna let that damaged loon take me out. Or to put it a more accurate way. I wasn’t gonna let someone so small, empty and angry take me out.
Broken and psychotic as I was at the end.
I still believed in myself.
So I was sincere with my self work, and basically spent days and nights in isolation, educating myself. The isolation happens to you, and it is brutal and extreme at first, but it becomes the cover stone of growth up until you really marry yourself in a way. And by that I mean in a beautiful way. At that point you relish time alone, tho there are still moments.
It wasn’t a choice, it was simple survival.
I watched videos on boundaries before I would even test them. I think for people who were raised in a normal or semi normal environment, this could seem hard to fathom but for a scapegoated individual. We are basically boundarieless when we enter the world and it is only when your life crumbles utterly do you even see the problem, which at this point has long been fatal.
The first example of testing a boundary with someone I could feel resonated with my work in the realm of npd abusers(meaning after the shocking awakening from the psychopath i “dated”) was my sister. And when I say that, I mean I had a suspicion but nothing more. I trusted her still at that point.
You see here, another point needs made. When you first wake up to this you have your suspicions about this or that but you aren’t looking for any more shit to hit anymore fans. You are overwhelmed by shit and fans already. There’s been far too much shit and far too many fans already. So you aren’t approaching your new powers of early stage boundaries in any provocative way whatsoever, at least I wasn’t, actually to the contrary I was hoping that each relationship could withstand my own personal growth. I found out the very very hard way about which ones could not, and I found out in shocking ways everytime. Shocking at first. But less and less each time.
Two stand out cases of boundaries beginnings were these. And they were as simple as unreturned phone calls. Both cases I’m thinking of. And mind you these weren’t permanently unreturned. I just needed space. I was in the deep wound state of psychopathic healing. I was making strides and doing good, but even now my life is raw as fuck. I sometimes think I’ve turned a corner and then I’m not so sure. I overcome my fear but my fear is deeper than human. Or to put it another way my fear pushes me to go deeper than human. Or deeper than ego. To meditate and get out of the material plane. The narcs made my life so hellish they pushed me into baby enlightenment. I swear, it’s crazy, what’s true about fear, that if youre afraid of something enough, you will manifest that fear. I look at it from their perspective and thru research and from what narc abusers who tell the truth about themselves on YouTube. And what did they fear most?
I believe they feared my voice and clearly they should have but I was provoked in an extreme way to this point. This level of bravery feels foreign to me still and yet obviously I need to air out my story, but had they not provoked me wildly with their beyond absurd behavior, I would never have had the courage to speak this openly unless I needed to to live. I’m brace here out of necessity, and of course now I’m grateful for the betrayal in as much as it pushed me hopelessly into my authentic self. I couldn’t have done this in my own, it was the demons who gave me the muscle.
and obviously if what I got was a community of snakes
then I needed to broaden my range for support, and that dream came true today when I read your comments. I was floored and moved beyond measure. So thank you. We who have survived these demons know how horrible the cognitive dissonance that comes from the inscesccnt crazy making invalidation is. It’s one of the worst kinds of pain known to man. And so just the act of telling a portion of my story and having it received as it was , is in a way for me , a kind of revolution or even a flowering invitation to no longer hold back who I really am. And just what really happened to me.
So yeah I didn’t return a phone call which led to
More sisterly “concern” which came in the form of reaching out to my then therapist, because she was “concerned” that I might commit suicide based on a poem I posted on instagram, and because she hadn’t heard back from me. Aka narc rage in the form of I didn’t return her phone call immediately so she then betrays a sacred promise which was made a couple weeks earlier, which was, that I could trust the situation she had set up with my therapist. This was a total betrayal and was a completely devastating shock to my already damaged system. It upset me so I immediately let go of the therapist. A therapist I had by then strong doubts about but who I also had completely opened up too and totally trusted so this was a real deep shock and a powerful wound. And when I confronted my sister with a rage that standing from my vantage point now, is profoundly appropriate. I mean the layers of betrayal and toxic garbage in that one move are staggering. Think of it…
Not only is she completely annihilating any trust I could have left to muster for her, but she’s taking out my therapist as well, inducing more paranoia in someone, who she knows is in a vulnerable state (but very far from suicidal) and here’s the cherry on top, she’s filling my head with all kinds of self doubt about me posting online. (This is a reoccurring theme with my family. They want me silenced. The reasons now are obvious, but they provoked their own greatest fear, and not only that, they made it inevitable. Consider there are children involved who I love and who are my family, who because of all this, I can suddenly no longer see, consider the layers of my concerns around that. What choice had I? Meekly sit back in shameful silence with a shame that wasn’t mine to begin with and keep a secret that wasn’t mine to begin with, the weight of which destroys whoever attempts to hold it??? I think not.
But had they played nice, I wouldn’t have had the courage for this
This ain’t all me
As much as they may never want to face it.
They took it here. I was man enough to step up is all.
There really is only one choice.
If you’ve been traumatized in this way
You need to speak up.
My sisters response to me waiting a couple days to get back to her was to in one fail swoop not only reduce my poetry to suicidal ravings (which clearly they are not) she is then without seeming any concern at all breaking a deep bond of trust that anyone can see is of crucial importance to uphold.
But as I ragefully expressed the shock of this catastrophic betrayal what I got back was an immediate blame shift into total invalidation to the point that because I expressed to my mother that my sister had betrayed my trust, my mother then proceeded to write me an email specifically invalidating everything about my perspective to the point of actually copying and pasting the dictionary definition of the word “betrayal.” Somehow trying to make something so clearly a form of aggressive betrayal was in fact not even betrayal at all. Can anyone say “gaslighting?”
I wrote back that she had in fact betrayed my trust. And I didn’t understand why she insisted on being this over the top with her displays of narcissistic abuse.
At this point I was fighting back, at least a little.
But here again is an example of the boundaries. I was beginning to stand up for myself and they were taking cheap shots. But hard shots. I can see how hard from hindsight. I can see the intricacies and the details of the betrayal. Once you really gain yourself back from all this and can get educated enough to really analyze the details. You see just how exact, it actually is.
How artful it is.
I know it’s weird to put that word into this context but, at least in the cases I witnessed where I was finally at least somewhat aware of how this operates, I see a high level of craft and design in these incidents.
I mean when I consider the message contained within
‘The Snakeskin Grand Finale’ (from earlier in this blog)
The black magic hatred of the underlying message is stunning.
And I’m sure I’m only seeing a portion of it.
But my family knew how broken this person made me.
They knew what this was.
I wasn’t saying soul rape lightly.
A psychopath rapes their victims in multiples of stunning ways in an ongoing attack that boggles minds.
And they knew
How traumatized I would be to be out in that position, and any doubts you could possibly muster to that fact, turned to dust by the behavior leading up to and proceeding the incident.
So think of the twisted poetry
Of on my mothers birthday dinner
To book it at the place the person who traumatized me in ways that really are unspeakable lives. In the same building.
I can only read it one way. Then and still now from a much more measured hindsight and the message is the same.
It’s a “fuck you” so bold
It’s a “we don’t want you” spoken so clearly
It’s a “now please go away and die”
That really is hard to see any other way.
When I came back from Atlanta I didn’t know if I could see them again or not.
As each day passed it became clearer and clearer just how evil what they had done was and as my mother continued to post happy Christmas pics on social media. I sat alone in my room taking tramadol for pain and drinking myself into oblivion.
I haven’t seen them since. They still refuse to acknowledge any of this was anymore than a silly mistake, and basically in their view, I’m completely delusional, or something like that, but if that’s the case it sure is funny how much I’m thriving since going “mostly no contact” and how broken I was before I did.
They get sloppy when you get smart. These examples I’m sharing here now, I honestly can only imagine that they know they fucked up. Like where ever narcs go to just talk openly with other narcs. You know … have a real narc to narc ( haha) conversation (I know this doesn’t exist but go with me here) well if I imagine my family there now, I can see them saying over some popcorn and suds to whatever drunk will listen ” well we really screwed the pooch on this one”
They get sloppy when you start enforcing boundaries and then they expose themselves like clockwork.
And I know saying like clockwork is a cool way to end a sentence,
But it really was in my case, like clockwork.
Narcs can’t take any perceived slight. Hell, even when you are just sitting there doing nothing they can fly into a rage, so sensitive are they, to any perceived slight.
So… once you start having a new boundary for them that would be the equivalent of dropping enough bricks to spell “fuck you” directly on their head from three stories up. In other words they fly off the handle. Which is expressed in different ways in narcland but amounts to the same types of boundry breaking attempts and massive heaps of psychic pain and torture.
Aren’t old you anymore.
And don’t intend to be old you ever again.
At least not the old you that aloud these
predators to scandalize you repeatedly.
And so I think it’s a tale of two cities in as much as from their way of thinking (and their tried and true tactic) they inflict abuse to re bond you or trauma bond but because you now are educated and motivated you don’t react as you once did. Instead you only see the awful truth for what it is. And as was the case with my story, from some of these relationships I needed several very damaging shocks to really wake up. And even now, I must stay vigilant to NOT fall back.
My sisters move with my therapist, in and of itself was shocking and traumatic. And I knew then without any doubt the score.
and this is an example of what I mean when I say that you would think they would stand down when you stand up. but they don’t. They lash out.
That’s what they do and then all that you’ve learned and all that you’ve fought for gets tested. And then you must break from your own programming, which is no small feat, but the alternative is no less than slavery and torture.
Anyway this writing above was inspired by this older writing below. I was writing this blog before I had the courage to post anything. I have stacks of stuff and was encouraged by the good comments and even the idea of writing something, someone asked for some insight on. In this case it was “Boundaries” mind you I’m no expert about boundaries, mine are still very much under development. But, I’m happy to do that if anyone thinks I could give a helpful perspective, I’d be happy to try, no promises, but thought I’d throw that out there.
So here’s an older unposted post. Relating to the subject above. Namaste.
Today is one of those days. Like a rotten tomato to the face of a fallen vaudeville star. I have a pile up of words I need to type or say and a stack of stories that need told, and yet, I’m stuck. Or in the procrastination web that comes from being overwhelmed. Learning how to master loneliness or the art of being alone without being lonely. The first thing you have to do to recover from a lifetime of narc abuse is get used to being alone. And learning how to like that reality.
I’m back on the YouTube videos which remind me of the terrors I endured and how that is never ok. Also chastising myself because I still need to learn basic self defense from emotional predators. I’m surprised or confused at how this is my reality. I saw myself as self possessed. I would have described my self as an affable person with a quirky self confidence. Sometimes bombarded by extreme shyness but typically showing decent form. Little did I know that it was open season in room full of sharks who could see I was naked, when I thought I was clothed. This is the tough realization that lies in front of you, if it’s not already behind you. It’s tough to see that the very people who were supposed to help you swim thru the dangers of the sea. Instead made sure you were cut up before they told you to try and swim.