You want to mend things?Really?
Write an apology about
what you did to me
over the holidays.
Write me about how you “accidentally”
set up an important “event ”
at the same place where someone who I informed you all multiple times, lives.
Who also traumatized me to within inches of my life. A trauma that led me to reaching out to you. Opening up all the way about what I had been thru.
Having had been, what I thought was, somewhat of a success in life, and having been strong in the past, this was a time when I really needed you. This was it.
Success was a memory.
I was broken.
and in need of actual love.
Actual love is different
from what we’ve been calling it.
I found that out the hard way.
When that important event (your birthday dinner) was “accidentally” booked there. Where the psychopath lives.
In the restaurant directly under her actual apartment.
You know what else I find strange…
The weird way I found out you booked it there.
You were excited to tell me where it was.
You certainly picked a strange time to spring it on me.
I was in an airport in Mexico. I had moved my flight specifically to catch your birthday. Even tho I knew things had gotten weird, I still very much had hope for us all. Vague and varied tho it was, I was still holding on. In fact changing my flight was a kind of softening. You see, I hadn’t intended to come , so yeah things had gotten weird. I figured Christmas would be enough and boy should I have listened to that instinct.
That softening led to that phone call/text in that Mexican airport, where you excitedly sprung the news as to where the event was booked.
Honestly everything is blurry after that moment.
I wound up at the Highland Inn in Atlanta Ga By way of jail cell. My first time in one. (And look 👀 I’m already bragging about it) Previous to that ..
I spent ten days on the beach in mexico 🇲🇽 cold chilling. Actively healing and working on myself. Preparing myself, you could say ,for the mental dance of the holidays. Getting myself in good spiritual shape. It had worked too.
I was in great spirits.
On time for my flight.
Excited to get back home and dig into new inspiration.
Even excited to see you.
To see if it could maybe be different. Feeling like I had a handle on how deal with toxic people. Watching the clips on YouTube and already awake to the fact that this behavior I speak of here, not only exists ,but is all too common.
But how wild and effortless
Your booby trap was.
I will give you points for creativity.
To the dark side take a bow.
As I said I was in good spirits and not only that, but feeling stronger than I had in a long time. I made no secret to you, about how devastating, what I had recently been thru was. I made no secret at all about it. I turned to you all for support, but got tossed and toyed with in other retrospectively interesting ways, when taken in full, with the snakeskin grand finale.
I think it deserves a name.
It is a thing. A knock out punch.
Let’s call it.
‘ The Snakeskin Grand Finale ‘
Has a ring, no?
And let’s go down the field as if this snakeskin reservation was made “on accident.”
Let’s go there for the sake of the judge and because the court wishes to proceed with this line of questioning.
Let’s say it just slipped from the old silly noggin. After all, anything is possible.
What was your reaction?
I know mine would have been effusively apologetic.
I would go to the end of the earth to let you know how sorry I was. How deeply re traumatizing I know that would be. How brutal of a thing to do, even if, “on accident”
To someone who sought your council. Who you even escorted to their first therapy appointment SPECIFICALLY for the attack this predator waged on them. And not only that, you found the therapist, so deep was your “concern”.
You even met their therapist together and had a conversation, So deep your concern.
And then the three of you had a conversation, that from this point, neither of you would communicate with each other, and both promised and assured me that I would be safe here.
A trust that was soon after betrayed by you, and for which no real apology was issued, but rather a deep blame shift, where by you became the outraged one.
And me the guilty. You backed by mother of course.
Leading to the snakeskin grand finale.
Many things led there actually. Hindsight is as they say 20/20. And now that this form of abuse has gone mainstream, kinda flips the script on the text/email got ya game. Doesn’t it? This behavior is plain as day once you turn the lights on. Once exposed it just is what it is.
How about as I collapsed in outrage and terror and a feeling of being betrayed so heavy that my heart just instantly went all the way to the center of things. I was gone in an instant.
In that Mexican airport.
First thing I did was uncork a bottle of tequila. Arriba undelay !
That was the first in a rapid succession of very bad mistakes I made.
Which led to being cuffed in Atlanta and carried off by a group of police. Merry Christmas and happy birthday.
In the cell. I just said. This is what they do.
You have to get away. I promised myself then and there.
I MADE A PROMISE TO NEVER ALLOW MYSELF TO BE TREATED SO AWFULLY EVER AGAIN.
But let’s say that was just an accident. Even tho the incidents, and “accidents” and triangulation gas lighting, invalidating, minimizing, lying nonsense that was proceeding all this would very much keep in line to the prognosis that I was under sever forms of emotional abuse leading up to this wild hum dinger.
But ignore all that.
This was just an accident. But,
As I then, Utterly broke down in front of you. raged. Was shattered and then cognitively distorted into nothing but a shadow of myself. Destroyed in a text. DESTROYED. What did you do, or say? How did you respond?
A deep heartfelt real apology ?
showings of understanding?
Oh hell no.
Not even close. Not even faking it.
A cold indifference mixed with guilt inducing triggers for “loosing it”
Trying to explain my need for validation and understanding, I flipped it. I said.
“imagine if you were abused by someone for a year. Led down a rabbit hole of your own destruction. Imagine if you had come to me broken and afraid and warned me about where that abuser lived. Imagine if that abuser lived just over a restaurant that was a staple of the neighborhood which we all lived in, and only three blocks from where I lived. Imagine if I had kids and You, in a real place of fear and desperation (absolutely atypical of you ) warned me that both me and my kids could potentially be in serious danger because there is no end to how dark this person is. And imagine when you warned me you did so hysterically. Reiterating to keep a very keen eye out indeed. So real, you felt was that danger.
And then now please imagine
that I then absentmindedly booked a family birthday dinner in that very restaurant. And said it was an accident
I tried desperately to explain it, and got more games and indifference back.
The dark cloud of what was obviously happening didn’t descend as much as engulf me full stop. and mixed with that devastation is the slow devastating side show , where you determine over and over again that that couldn’t have been an accident. That’s the cognitive dissonance you may have heard about.
The fact that both – that couldn’t have been an accident – and yet it’s too terrible to believe someone would do such a thing on purpose.
It’s too terrible to believe that.
So you find yourself in this awful psychic bear trap where somebody deeply betrayed you,
and at the same time not only do you not receive validation for the insanity of the wound, but you are insantly heaped on with toxic shame. And a shit load of it. And then neatly gift wrapped into a guilt trip.
“You lost it. ”
You can hear the gossip now. And here’s the text to prove it, where he lost it on us.
You’re the crazy one.
Imagine what that does to somebody.
And imagine if it happens to someone over and over again.
How that sinks a life.
You’re insane and they have the hysterical texts to prove that you’re a monster. But
Who’s the monster?
The cognitive dissonance is the worst
Over and over again you mull
“It’s just not possible.
I had warned her that her kids could be in danger
and I had told her by who
and where she lived
and she live three blocks away from her.
and all this was just a few months old. Current as a motherfucker.
The opposite of old news. ”
So yeah hard to believe.
That is until you get led to research this behavior, as means of survival, and you find out how not only is it possible, but the patterns of the behavior here are universal in this disorder.
Garden variety NPD nonsense.
I take away the bow to the dark side.
Only seems cunning until you see how obvious it is.
But yeah if it was an accident
What kind of apology did I get ?
What kind of apology came my way?
No kind of apology at all.
What I got back was this….
“She says its ok to go somewhere else but you pick because you go out more than we do”
Soon after I was randomly in Atlanta because that’s where the flight connected. And though I used to live there, and like it still.
I was there for no reason at all.