I want to write about betrayal because this thing hinges on it. Profound betrayal. A betrayal that is literally unbelievable. Which in and of itself is one of, if not it’s most horrendous feature. You won’t be validated. You will be highly confused as the narc or narcs and their monkeys make sure of this thru a myriad of ways. Smearing , lying gaslighting, ostracising, You’ll of course attempt to explain your perspective and how you wanted none of this drama but that won’t matter because they will continue to gaslight you into thinking or at least knowing that they think that you are the cause of whatever excruciating explosion they’ve manifested by abusing you. Mind you these exact people who are applying this premeditated psychic torment against you are the very people you trust most or are supposed to trust most. The cognitive dissonance is excruciating at that point. Imagine a rack built for your psyche and your beginning to understand what it is. In no way shape or form could this be confused for love and yet these goons are telling you they love and acting concerned thus reinforcing the scenario that you are unstable when in fact you are the only stable one there. But unless it is so bad that you can no longer stomach it. The brick wall they present and if it’s family of origin have presented since time began, then you are faced with a simple decision. Either you submit and play into their made up scenario where you are the loose cannon trouble maker who they have to put up with and love you anyway inspite of all your problems. Or you stand your ground with the truth of things that these people are in fact predators who are manipulating emotional torment from you as a means to feed themselves in some way. If you choose option one let’s discuss the pros and cons of that option.
Pros. there really are none. But there is a immediate temporary relief in as much as you don’t have to dramatically and permanently change your perspective and indeed the structure of your whole life. Option 2, tho rewarding beyond belief, also happens to completely devastating initially.
So the pros would be you temporarily stave off the total destruction of your current existence. You get to maintain the illusion of whatever void this relationship presumes and acts like it fulfills.
You never get to know your authentic self. Your potential to fulfil your dreams is cut off at the knees and with a hack saw aiming at your waste.
Your self esteem goes to ever new lows. Your will to live falters. You continue to live and act far below your level of basic self interest and integrity. You start taking on their perspective as the truth. You may find yourself medicated by a shrink they found you because they were “concerned” this will play in nicely to their narrative that you’ve blown a gasket and will be excellent fodder for their smear campaign. They love spreading hate thru fake concern.
It’ll go something like this “ well at least he’s seeing someone and they’ve put him on meds for being bipolar. We’ve really been so concerned. He’s just not himself anymore” if they’re really good they’ll manufacture some tears and that flying monkey will see you as a lunatic the next time you interact. Imagine that type of shit spread all over and then imagine how easy it is the next time they pinpoint an area of your psyche to abuse and then you REACT, as is only healthy. And boom they stack up more evidence against you, which becomes shared, and leads to an energy in the air. A kind of black magic whereby enough minds are involved in this perversion of reality that it becomes easier and easier to submit to it. Coupled with the fact that when you’re operating from this place of somewhat blind trust in your abuser or abusers. When they prod you again with something horrendous your reaction isn’t gonna be measured. It’s gonna be hysterical and over the top. And they will feed into this like a slot machine coming up sevens. Not only are they soaking up the fact that you are tormented by their torture. They’re excited as well for all this new evidence to back their mounting smear campaign. You are perhaps bipolar (who wouldn’t qualify for some mental ailment when being tortured this way. And torture is not too strong a word)
Now factor all that in with just how crazy and paranoid the truth of the situation actually sounds. It’s a diamond of mental confusion. Kind of a perfect thing if we can give such sinister behavior adjectives like perfect. But comparing it to diamond is appropriate. It’s as hard as one. It’s as impossible to break. And it’s for all these reasons, that knowledge that this behavior not only exists, but is relatively common, is or was, for me, totally necessary to even begin to really stand up for myself. Which led to chaos. Which led to a scenario where I could no longer back down and relent to their insane perspective. Regardless of how well they littered the playing field with monkeys who saw it as they did. This led to a period of isolation and ostricization. Where I began the long slow journey of discovering the truth about who I was and what I’ve endured.
So let’s talk then about betrayal. About us telling our story. How the narcs will view this. How great part of you will view this, with a large part of your subconscious mind programmed with these erroneous beliefs. How can you tell anyone at all you’ve been victimized this way. When we can see how easily it comes off as the claims of a lunatic. So unbelievable and unbelievably dark is the scenario. And yet this kind of permanent Stockholm syndrome kicks in. Tho they have shown you loves opposite. Tho they have done everything they can to sabatoge you and bring you down. Tho they have even shown you that they wouldn’t mind you disappearing forever, so assultive has been their attack, that suicide would not be out of the question for even the strongest among us.
Even tho they’ve done all that and more and probably time and time again. You still feel a certain loyalty to protect from the truth of their crime. Or maybe that’s the phase I’m still at. But what is overriding that is the fact that thru other people sharing their strength and stories. I have been validated and made to feel and in fact become strong enough to endure this. I don’t think that would have been the case otherwise. My true loyalty comes to those, who like I was, are completely lost and confused right now standing on the crossroads of betraying themselves or their abusers. I can no longer betray myself or my truth to protect those who have shown me no mercy or compassion. The truth will set you free and as convoluted and confusing as it is in these scenarios, It will also protect you and even save your life.
Who are you gonna be loyal too? Yourself or them? It wasn’t you who set up the situation to be this way. It was them. And only them. They’ve made their bed. For people who can’t articulate this situation as maybe I can, I owe it to them and indeed feel it is one of my life’s purpose to shine a light on the structures of this abuse and How it operates.
The questions of betrayal and loyalty are abstract. We’ve learned upon waking that our loyalty was wrongly placed. This hurts most of all. All that you have was for nothing. Now you have the chance to give for something. Don’t betray yourself. Don’t ever not be loyal to yourself. Ever again. Namaste.