How It Operates 

I want to write about betrayal because this thing hinges on it. Profound betrayal. A betrayal that is literally unbelievable. Which in and of itself is one of, if not it’s most horrendous feature. You won’t be validated. You will be highly confused as the narc or narcs and their monkeys make sure of this thru a myriad of ways. Smearing , lying gaslighting, ostracising, You’ll of course attempt to explain your perspective and how you wanted none of this drama but that won’t matter because they will continue to gaslight you into thinking or at least knowing that they think that you are the cause of whatever excruciating explosion they’ve manifested by abusing you. Mind you these exact people who are applying this premeditated psychic torment against you are the very people you trust most or are supposed to trust most. The cognitive dissonance is excruciating at that point. Imagine a rack built for your psyche and your beginning to understand what it is. In no way shape or form could this be confused for love and yet these goons are telling you they love and acting concerned thus reinforcing the scenario that you are unstable when in fact you are the only stable one there. But unless it is so bad that you can no longer stomach it. The brick wall they present and if it’s family of origin have presented since time began, then you are faced with a simple decision. Either you submit and play into their made up scenario where you are the loose cannon trouble maker who they have to put up with and love you anyway inspite of all your problems. Or you stand your ground with the truth of things that these people are in fact predators who are manipulating emotional torment from you as a means to feed themselves in some way. If you choose option one let’s discuss the pros and cons of that option. 

Pros. there really are none. But there is a immediate temporary relief in as much as you don’t have to dramatically and permanently change your perspective and indeed the structure of your whole life. Option 2, tho rewarding beyond belief, also happens to completely devastating initially. 

So the pros would be you temporarily stave off the total destruction of your current existence. You get to maintain the illusion of whatever void this relationship presumes and acts like it fulfills. 


You never get to know your authentic self. Your potential to fulfil your dreams is cut off at the knees and with a hack saw aiming at your waste. 

Your self esteem goes to ever new lows. Your will to live falters. You continue to live and act far below your level of basic self interest and integrity. You start taking on their perspective as the truth. You may find yourself medicated by a shrink they found you because they were “concerned” this will play in nicely to their narrative that you’ve blown a gasket and will be excellent fodder for their smear campaign. They love spreading hate thru fake concern. 

It’ll go something like this “ well at least he’s seeing someone and they’ve put him on meds for being bipolar. We’ve really been so concerned. He’s just not himself anymore” if they’re really good they’ll manufacture some tears and that flying monkey will see you as a lunatic the next time you interact. Imagine that type of shit spread all over and then imagine how easy it is the next time they pinpoint an area of your psyche to abuse and then you REACT, as is only healthy. And boom they stack up more evidence against you, which becomes shared, and leads to an energy in the air. A kind of black magic whereby enough minds are involved in this perversion of reality that it becomes easier and easier to submit to it. Coupled with the fact that when you’re operating from this place of somewhat blind trust in your abuser or abusers. When they prod you again with something horrendous your reaction isn’t gonna be measured. It’s gonna be hysterical and over the top. And they will feed into this like a slot machine coming up sevens. Not only are they soaking up the fact that you are tormented by their torture. They’re excited as well for all this new evidence to back their mounting smear campaign. You are perhaps bipolar (who wouldn’t qualify for some mental ailment when being tortured this way. And torture is not too strong a word) 

Now factor all that in with just how crazy and paranoid the truth of the situation actually sounds. It’s a diamond of mental confusion. Kind of a perfect thing if we can give such sinister behavior adjectives like perfect. But comparing it to diamond is appropriate. It’s as hard as one. It’s as impossible to break. And it’s for all these reasons, that knowledge that this behavior not only exists, but is relatively common, is or was, for me, totally necessary to even begin to really stand up for myself. Which led to chaos. Which led to a scenario where I could no longer back down and relent to their insane perspective. Regardless of how well they littered the playing field with monkeys who saw it as they did. This led to a period of isolation and ostricization. Where I began the long slow journey of discovering the truth about who I was and what I’ve endured. 
So let’s talk then about betrayal. About us telling our story. How the narcs will view this. How great part of you will view this, with a large part of your subconscious mind programmed with these erroneous beliefs. How can you tell anyone at all you’ve been victimized this way. When we can see how easily it comes off as the claims of a lunatic. So unbelievable and unbelievably dark is the scenario. And yet this kind of permanent Stockholm syndrome kicks in. Tho they have shown you loves opposite. Tho they have done everything they can to sabatoge you and bring you down. Tho they have even shown you that they wouldn’t mind you disappearing forever, so assultive has been their attack, that suicide would not be out of the question for even the strongest among us. 

Even tho they’ve done all that and more and probably time and time again. You still feel a certain loyalty to protect from the truth of their crime. Or maybe that’s the phase I’m still at. But what is overriding that is the fact that thru other people sharing their strength and stories. I have been validated and made to feel and in fact become strong enough to endure this. I don’t think that would have been the case otherwise. My true loyalty comes to those, who like I was, are completely lost and confused right now standing on the crossroads of betraying themselves or their abusers. I can no longer betray myself or my truth to protect those who have shown me no mercy or compassion. The truth will set you free and as convoluted and confusing as it is in these scenarios, It will also protect you and even save your life. 

Who are you gonna be loyal too? Yourself or them? It wasn’t you who set up the situation to be this way. It was them. And only them. They’ve made their bed. For people who can’t articulate this situation as maybe I can, I owe it to them and indeed feel it is one of my life’s purpose to shine a light on the structures of this abuse and How it operates. 

 The questions of betrayal and loyalty are abstract. We’ve learned upon waking that our loyalty was wrongly placed. This hurts most of all. All that you have was for nothing. Now you have the chance to give for something. Don’t betray yourself. Don’t ever not be loyal to yourself. Ever again. Namaste. 

6 Comments on “How It Operates 

  1. It’s “crazy” how many narcs will treat someone horribly either through gas lighting or ghosting (which was my case) and then when it takes an emotional toll on you and you become upset and try to talk to the narc , they will instantly throw out the diagnosis of bipolar! It was even in the Psychopath Free book I read. Last year my narc friend ghosted me for a week after we had hung out and had an amazing time. I sent various text messages, all of them reasonable, just checking in and asking what’s up. I only learned about narc abuse months later, after the Discard by the narc, so at the time I had no idea what was going on. I’d never had to ask someone to return my text or calls before. That should’ve been a warning, a red flag, but by that time I had already been through the Idealized Phase so intensely that I was hooked and the cognitive dissonance ((which I still grapple with today) was already super strong.

    Then as the week went on I confronted the person via text in a manner to stand up for myself. No more Good mornings or asking how their day went. I just more firm said how the fact they were ignoring me wasn’t right. Well, then I get a phone call saying “I think we should end our friendship. You’re too clingy. I don’t know if you’re also bipolar, but I’ve been busy this week with work and your reaction to that is over the top.” Meanwhile, I was displaying proper human emotion for being ignored after being idealized.

    So narcs set it up that way. To make it seem like you must be mentally unstable. They praise and shower with love and affection and they pull back and watch you scramble to reconnect with them and they feed off of hat attention. It a sick game. And then they say you’re mentally unstable. When really, you’re merely reacting how anyone would in that situation. Anyone who doesn’t know about narcs that is.

    Looking back, I should’ve gone No Contact right then and there. But I let that cycle continue for over six months. It doesn’t seem like a long time, but wow, the damage inflicts was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. I was never the target of a smear compaign or direct insults or put downs. It was all subtle.

    After that phone call, of course I sent him some text messages basically begging for his friendship back. Again, SO UNLIKE ME! I’ve never catered to others in my life. Never was codependent. Never clingy. And yet this psychological game sucked me in instantly and hardcore.

    So two weeks later he decides to be my friend again (I’m pathetic, I know). So I’m so happy I tell myself I’ll put up with the ghosting. I’ll give him space and not be clingy and everything will be fine. Well, the Idealization / love bombing was hardcore on his end for two weeks. Then five days of ghosting. I let it go. But then as the cycle repeated again and again, even though I knew the pattern, it was impossible to disconnect from the human emotions that sick narc game triggered in me. After all, we’re human. We’re normal. And it isn’t normal to be sucked into the Idealize/Devalue stages and not have any emotional response to it. So I continued living in constant states of stress and anxiety. I stopped exercising. Stopped going out with other friends, keeping my schedule open in case he decided to throw me some crumbs and text me to hang out. I was a mess. But those periods when we’d get together would be so wonderful I’d tell myself it made it worth it. Well, it didn’t. Not by a long shot.

    Even now, sometimes when I’m feeling lonely (because my days are no longer consumed with constant thoughts of him and my free time isn’t spent hanging out with him), I’ll “miss” him. But like you said, that’s cognitive dissonance at its worst. I’m missing the idea of him. The chemical/hormonal highs I got from being his friend. Trying to make sense of how someone could say such great things and we can spend so much wonderful times together in person and then be so cruel and purposely ignore me for days and act like something is wrong with me.

    It’s an addiction that I’m slowing withdrawing from after No Contact for three months, which, I’m embarrassed to say, was started by him. The Idealization and devaluing went on for months and then out of the blue the ghosting was weeks. Of course I kept sending texts to try to get a response, but nothing. I thought if I remained calm enough via text, even though I was upset and grieving, he’d come around again. Why I still wanted him to be my friend is sad in itself, but I was caught up in the cycle of abuse which I didn’t realize until later.

    Anyway, Then weeks later, out of the blue again, he texted me and said to leave him alone. He refused to answer his phone even as I’m calling him as he’s typing. And he said he didn’t care about giving me closure. He didn’t care about me and never did. Wow. When during our last time together he’s telling me how much he loves me as a friend and he’s so glad to have me in his life.
    Then I went to send I’m a text three days later and found out he’d blocked me. He didn’t block me during he three weeks I was texting him. Oh, no. He loved the attention and me making a fool of myself and fed off of it. But now that is sever my purpose, he blocked me. It’s sick.

    Then the therapy began for me. The withdrawal at the beginning launched me into a dark place for the first time in my life. I was lost. Totally grieving. As soon as I told my therapist the story, she said the words narcissist and abuse and gave me the book Psychopath Free to read at home. I was hesitant because I thought, I wasn’t abused. I just had an asshole for a friend. And then I read the book. Ha! I couldn’t believe it. The narc and myself…our relationship was literally a textbook case for Narcissistic Abuse. I set out to highlight any passages in the book that I identified with and I basically ended up highlighting the entire thing. It brought relief, but it also made me feel bad because I was so naive and made a fool of myself for so long rather than having a backbone, enforcing my boundaries (which again you talked about and are so very important) and going No Contact first. I’ve learned so much since though. Like I mentioned in my other comment tonyuor other article – my therapist helped me determine my dad was a narc. But because he wasn’t around too much when I was growing up and I cut him out of my life over ten years ago, I didn’t have memories of narc abuse. But this narc friend triggered those emotions I buried and I become codependent to try to salvage what I thought was a true friendship and allowed myself to be treated poorly all because I was seeking validation and uncovering emotions from my childhood. The desire to be loved by someone who should love you and who says they love you, but in fact does things that prove the opposite.

    But you hang on to that hope that they will change or apologize or cater to you eventually, if you’re nice enough, accommodating enough, flatter them enough. But they never will. They will drain you until you have nothing left for them and they know they’ve broken you – that’s their game, their plan – and then they will Discard you in the most brutal way with no explanation or remorse, and move on to their next Narc Supply.

    Thanks for writing about all his, Joe. It’s been very therapeutic to read your posts. It helps me not feel so alone or so gullible. Because I, too, can’t share what happened with anyone except my therapist. I’m worried that what people will think and that they just simply won’t understand. I’m smart, strong, accomplished and I should’ve known better. But from an objective standpoint it is easy to see what’s happening. If any of my friends had come to me and told me this story I would’ve said, dump the guy. He’s a loser. Why are you putting up with that? but obviously, when it’s you and you’re caught up in the cycle of abuse, it’s a whole other situation.


    • Yeah the cognitive dissonance is a real bear. I’m dealing still everyday with it. It always alerts me to go into meditation and beat it that way. Dr. Joe Dispenza is a savior in this field if you haven’t checked him out.


      • Haven’t heard of Dr. Joe Dispenza. I will look I’m up. Thank you. I’m your Facebook friend but didn’t want to comment on Facebook about your posts because no one in my life knows I’m going through this. Your posts have been helpful. I met you in Toronto after both RNDM concerts and I enjoy reading a lot of what you write. Oddly enough, I know you more through your writing/blog posts and don’t really know much about your music. It was a relief – for lack of a better word – to see someone accomplished and talented and educated like you speaking out about Narcissistic Abuse. I am eduacated and have healthy self esteem, but I still got sucked in by the narc. I was upset at myself for that. But then I realized that narcs only go for happy, successful people because a big part of their game is they enjoy draining successful people and breaking them. And to see other people in the same situation as me makes me feel not so alone and more forgiving of myself for falling into the trap. It’s amazing how textbook Narcs and Psychoaths are. It’s interesting that you and I both read Psychopath Free. Another book that has been recommended to me is The Human Magnet, but I haven’t read it yet. And Meredith Miller’s audio SANA series and Inner Integration YouTube videos are life savers. Oh and I too have turned to meditation, as well as binaural beats, to deal with all the accompanying emotions as I struggle with the aftermath of the abuse. Sadly, I work in the same hospital as my ex narc friend. I’ve been doing so well and haven’t felt better. But, as described in Psychopath Free, it’s almost as if narcs have happiness and successradar, because it’s always when you’re doing better when they suddenly show up. And yesterday, three months post brutal Discard, he showed up on my unit for no reason (lying and saying he was checking in on his patient but he never even went into the patient’s room) and he purposely said Good morning and Have a good day only to me before leaving the unit. That one quick appearance after not seeing or talking to him for months and him discarding me in a cruel nasty way triggered such anxiety and stress and also a feeling of “missing” him (really, the idea of him) that it felt like a relapse. I talked to my therapist about it today and she’s proud of me for not taking his bait, but still, it unnerved me so much. And to know it was on purpose…it’s horrible to think people like this exist. Anyway, so today has been about reflection and rereading some of Psychopath Free, and meditation. I also met with my personal trainer to try to workcoff that extra negative energy. So I know what you’re going through. You have good days and bad, but it seems like you’re never truly free. But people like you and me…we’re already ahead of the game because we are capable of true love and feeling and have the ability to find fulfillment in life. Narcs can’t do that. Ever. They are constantly searching for Supplies and will never attain true happiness. They will never be satisfied, never be free. We have the ability to change, to learn, to grow. They are forever trapped in their empty lives.


  2. This may sound too simplistic- my life turned around when I started really liking being around myself and not caring what anyone thought of me. Emotional vampires are always around us. It is important to know how to protect yourself and I feel it is by being strong within yourself ( like an old oak tree)

    Liked by 1 person

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