Guilt When I Don’t 

Writing about recovery is difficult. My life is starting to be mine again and I once again can do things without constantly “healing” 

Which tempts me to abandon writing mostly because I don’t feel like excavating thru the past or opening any wound when I’d rather just play guitar. Coupled with that, in order to write about my process of recovery I have to divulge an uncomfortable level of personal information and then be plagued with the consequences of that. Guilt for speaking my truth. Guilt when I don’t. The guilt when I don’t is worse because with that I can feel my sick self reasserting itself, meekly taking the reigns, and then my energy fades along with my spirit. Writing is my therapy and sharing it, is a crucial part. 

However I need to clarify that when I speak of narcs or NPD’s or whatever they are called. I’m speaking of them (usually) in general terms, in the spirit of the helpful YouTube videos which made my recovery possible. I am not attacking my family or anyone. I’m simply expressing my experience and my thoughts and insights in recovery from all this. And attempting to heal in the way that is in keeping with my nature and spirit. I love my family very much and miss them very much too. I wish things could be different than they are. 

I wish I didn’t have to traverse this very difficult terrain. But I did and I do. And can’t stay silent too. 

6 Comments on “Guilt When I Don’t 

  1. Excuse me but i hope you still wrtiting a lot more .In ,Quebec city you miss us a lot ,with all the love…excuse for the bad english for a french man

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Have you tried the SANA audio series by Meredith Miller? Not the fundamental one but the 12 week one on her websitesl. I found her via YouTube. She runs the Inner Integration website and YouTube channel. The 12 week SANA series is excellent, as are every single one of her YouTube videos. She’s changed my life in the three months since I got out a friendship with a Idealizing, Devaluing (through amazing attention and then ghosting, attention and ghosting) and then the brutal Discard narc, which came out of nowhere and devastated me beyond reason, even though, looking back on the pattern of the friendship, it was super clear that, even during the whole thing, the relationship was toxic. I knew it was dragging me down and stripping away at me emotional tionally and physically, and I should’ve been the one to end it long ago, but I couldn’t do it. The withdrawal would’ve been too painful, yet with narcs it always ends badly, so here I am facing the withdrawal now anyway. That is one of my regrets. Not having the self respect to leave the narc and that he was the one who ended it.

    Anyway, through psychotherapy and the Meredith Miller’s SANA series and videos, I’m healing. Not cured. That will take time, if it is even totally possible in the first place. But yeah , Meredith Miller is truly fantastic. I’m not exaggerating. So if you haven’t come across her videos on YouTube yet, try them out.

    The books Psychopath Free and Children of Narcissistic Parents are also spot on about how narcs and their covert/subtle ways of taking someone who is successful and good looking and nice and accommodating and tearing them down. There are patterns to these people and those books helped a lot to justify my labelling of my friend as a narc. It’s a cliche, but it was like a lightbulb went off and everything I went through started to make sense. Then the Anger,grief, the guilt, the denial set in…I’ve been through it all. But one thing is certain, I am better off without him.

    My father, I learned only last month in therapy, was also a narc. After the friendship with this guy ended, I started therapy, and it was only then I learned about NPD and how there are textbook behaviors these people do. I am ashamed I didn’t know sooner: I was being emotionally abused through ghosting and other psychological tactics, but I was always able to give excuses or rationalize why this friend wasn’t texting me back after days when we just spent a wonderful day together, etc. It damaged me more than I realized. I became addicted to this person. I am female. He was a male, but my friend.

    Then the discard (which started right after the last weekend we hung out and had a great time), came out of nowhere. Three weeks of ghosting all of my texts. Which, in non narc relationships, a “normal” person would just say, screw them. I don’t care for someone who would treat that way. By my now anxious and codependent state (which I never exhibited with anyone else in my entire life) made me lower myself to constantly reaching out and hoping for a response from this friend . When he finally did respond , over text, three weeks later, he said for me to leave him alone. I called him right away. He refused to answer. In my text back I said, please answer your phone. That’s fine you don’t want to be friends. I’m just wondering why. It would really give me closure. All I want is a calm, short discussion and we can move on.
    He wrote back, I’m not answering. I don’t owe you closure. All I need is to look after myself. This is a 40 year man, not some child, yet he took the cowardly way out . Or I guess in narc terms, it just means he never really cared about me and his Discard is not about him not being brave enough to tell me directly but him seeing himself as more important and me not deserving of any sort of explanation. Because in the end,
    it is always about them.
    I said, did you ever love me as a friend like you said you did countless times? Don’t you miss me? His reply: No. then he actually
    blocked my number. Crazy.
    So six months of lies…six months presenting me his false self to reel me in and make me dependent on him so then when he would ignore me for days and my anxiety etc would get triggered and suddenly I looked like I was unstable. When really, I was reacting normally to a completely unnormal sotuation. Sadly it was all part of his plan. Because these people feed off of destroying others in brutal ways.

    Anyway, I’m glad he’s gone. But I must admit, I miss him. Not him, really, but the idea of him. How great he seemed to be and how much fun we had together during the Idealization Stage. Which is why (and obviously their MO) the devaluing and discarding was so painful for me.
    I became addicted to another person slowly, subtly. I catered to his schedule. Let go of my own self care. The results of our friendship were horrible on my body and mind. But in my recovery I’ve learned a lot about myself ((how me cutting out my dad ten years ago saved me from narc abuse but also meant I had buried a lot of it. And only when this friend narc -the only other narc I’ve ever known – came along last year, my codependency was triggered for the first time ever). Hanging on to the friendship was my way of trying to make amends with my dad’s behaviour. That I couldn’t keep my dad around (never got an apology for his behaviour, etc, so I cut him out of my life), but obviously that need for a relationship with him, or at least answers to his behaviours, was still there, as evidenced by my behaviour when I went above and beyond to try to keep the narc friend around, even when he ignored me for days and the reach out when he wanted something and then repeat the cycle .

    That was the biggest surprise – how I could allow someone to do that to me. I am successful, healthy self esteem, I was happy all the time , I have a great job. I took care of my physical appearance, and then my “friend” took that time in my high life to start the Idealization/Devaluing/Discard cycle, of course, and it destroyed me . My father I could easily cut off (didn’t know he was also a narc until last month through therapy) but yet I was unable to walk away from my friendship with a anothet narc. This was my way of subconsciously trying to heal my relationship with my dad because there was no closure there either.

    But whereas I was able to bury those emotions with my dad and I’ve been happily living without him in my life for years, this other guy comes along and I am desperate to keep our friendship going, even though I acted anxious and was so stressed all of the time and treated emotionally, very badly, and I can’t bury those emotions any longer.

    It’s made me have to go back to childhood to the root of the Narcissistic abuse and connect that to the recent narc friendship so I can identify more about my attachment behaviour and style, and move forward in a healthy way.

    Anyway, I’d love to know what videos you’ve watched or books you’ve read or any audio series you can recommend to heal from narc abuse. I’ve started up with a personal trainer (because I stopped exercising for the first time in my life during this narc friendship) and I have to get back to my usual good physical state. I’m doing the psychotherapy thing which has been invaluable, and of course Meredith Miller/Inter Integration SANA series and You tube videos. But I’m always looking for more suggestions.

    Thank you, Joe. And good on you for going through this healing journey and sharing it with us. I totally get it, even if I don’t know the specifics of your situation. Because Narcs have a pattern, so I really think that any victims of emotional abuse from a narc can relate to each other.

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    • Thank you! And yes Psychopath free was my in road into this. What led to the fall out with my family was initially a relationship with a psychopath who basically nearly killed me.

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  3. This brought to mind a time when I was coming to terms with some abuse in my life I had to confront .I wrote some about it,I had to break away for some time before I could reenter the connection on a more superficial level, which is what I needed in my case. I needed it to be on my terms entirely. I needed to know that I could walk away at any time when I felt uncomfortable in any way. Most importantly , I needed to feel clear that this was their “cross to bear “in this life ,and not my own . Because of the insidious nature of this abuse, it takes a lot of reckoning .Confronting these issues was definitely painful and lonely as it separated me from ,in my case , my family, but it was, and is ,my truth . It had to happen. It has been many years since the initial confrontation ,but I am still navigating it . Every relationship I have ever chosen has been a clear reflection and reminder ,of the work still needed…Anyway I am inspired but what you share and wish you the deepest, safest , Love ,self, and otherwise Peace ❤

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    • I agree but at the same time when it is family and in my case when the whole of the family teams up against you, it’s a brutal reality to face. Might be their cross to bear but as they do with transferring shame. They transfer this burden by mere fact that even tho my family are abusers, I’m an empath so I loved them inspire of that. And still do. But they still haven’t acknowledged any of this. Actually my mother FINALLY wrote me six months after the fact that she could understand how I would find it hard to believe my sister did what she did on accident. But that validation only came because I started this blog and because I’m going on tour and because I’m doing great again and they want to either join in the fun or attempt to rip me down again. Anyway, yes it’s on them. But my heart is broken, tho I’m moving on.

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