Things I want to write about….
How patient did my true self have to be?
As my duped self was trying so hard to overcome what couldn’t be overcome until an awakening. My duped self meant well most of the time but lived far below his core integrity or even his own interest half the time. Unguarded he was to the damaging abuse. Unaware he was at how damaging to his basic identity as a person that abuse was. And so my duped self walked in a chaotic slumber with a head full of dramas and cognitive dissonance. Focusing on good work and dreams still quite a lot of the time, so I don’t count my life pre freedom from the rage that is the cage of narc abuse, as a total loss. But how must it have been all those years for my true self who was forced to witness from the side all those opportunities that could have been?
All those people you should and could have known? But instead cast out into the world groomed to sonar predators to you like a lightbulb in Mozart concerto of moths.
And so then you set off into a series of personality disordered affairs, and you see the same dramas play out over and over, so then you start believing in the culture of issues, and determine that you probably have a few of those issues yourself.
Namely clinical depression, borderline , mania various forms addicted.
But you’ve been groomed to feed toxic people your neck.
That’s what feels like home to you.
That’s what feels like love.
And as toxins build up so does your insanity and then integrity falls.
And then you become, in ways, as bad as they are. And I think that’s the point.
Spinning in their web.
Being controlled and manipulated.
Convinced you are the baddy.
Unaware that when you rage they are hitting the jackpot,
because that’s when they feed.
And then desert comes, when you feel guilty for the cognitive dissonance resulting from the fact that you sank way below your core values.
Unaware that you were being taunted to the extreme.
All those dirty tricks would come to light later. Now,
with a ton of support building currently online, it’s easier to find avenues of validation, but then…. that info wasn’t as common, and so you were in the dark and felt guilty.
Even tho flipping out was the intended result of the NPD abuse you were being assaulted by.
Without any guard or protection, them preying on your ignorance and trusting nature, these are not noble people.
Noble people don’t sucker punch the blind.
And the point of why they do this toxic dance is too confuse, infuriate, bamboozle you as they swallow your time, so that your life and your dreams and your ability to really grow into your authentic self or achive any thing close to your potential becomes impossible to reach.
This is the desired effect of the abuse which aims its aggression across years.
The steam never really runs all the way out. The abuse compounds and your esteem drops which sets the cycle of attracting ever more disgusting versions of this predatorily type into a motion called “your dating life”.
With this view,
It’s easy to see how one could go an entire lifetime, a step or three removed from his true self.
But your duped self doesn’t know any better, until he is unduped or awakened.
And then, slowly at first, the real you starts to emerge.
And you begin this wonderful process of getting to know yourself for the first time. Or getting to know a side of yourself that went unknown to you before. Call it your authentic self.
What you are actually like.
How you actually hold yourself.
How “not self destructive” you actually are.
Things like porn, or getting drunk, seem dull. You don’t feel like you have anymore time to waste, and you know yourself now, so when alone with little to do, you take this as an opportunity to work on something instead of zoning out in front of “the idiot box”
Then you might go skateboarding or boxing. Or start a blog about recovery to help others who are going thru what you are, or to help yourself to never go back.
You do stuff now that you wouldn’t have dreamed of a year ago.
Passionate interests spring up out of nowhere,
with a ferocity of something that’s been caged, and made to lay dormat.
You don’t feel you have a second to waste, because you enjoy every second.
Even some of the painful ones, for you are so relieved that you are no longer under a spell that spelled out your demise.
After you get passed the shock of the betrayal, and you will,
remember that your life will blossom as never before, and you will see what it all was.
You have your vision back and your dream. And your life. And for the first time you have someone to love. And that someone is you.