Stories are the hidden gifts Equipment for living.
Avenues of learning.
The hidden gifts of recovering from abuse of this nature.
If you can survive it. Is.
It basically knocks all the bullshit right out of you.
In the beginning stages, I would engage in self destructive behavior from time to time, in between periods of healing and recovery. Kinda like, two steps forward, one step back.
I suppose that’s natural.
You have to walk before you can run, but everytime I did I got the clear message, which was simply, “that part of your life is currently over if you wish to have any kind of chance of surviving.”
I tested it once or twice and it was only said louder and stronger each time. “THAT PART OF YOUR LIFE IS OVER OR YOU ARE.”
I wasn’t ready to cave. And I was betrayed in such a deep way. Imagine having your skin removed and having to stand watching it hang dry the toxins out before you can put it back on. A process which for me took months. More than that.
Having the courage to claim my story without shame is the equivalent of graduating. I feel like a whole person now. Maybe for the first time. And like a graduate I’m awkward with it to a degree. It’s as if what Joe Dispenza always talks about when people transform themselves out of extreme situations thru meditation. That’s what’s happened to me. Or what I made happen or what happened thru me. Who knows but it’s like being a different person. A happier version. More grounded. More engaged. Having more fun with many less people. Having the most fun on my own. And knowing that too is only a temporary state. I honestly never feel lonely now. And I’m very often that way. (Supposedly Alone)
The hidden gifts are many.
One of which is being genuinely open to “love” in a truer more human everyday kind of way. Again, another thing which sounds like some moral high ground but really is born out of the fact that this disorder isolates its victims in the cruelest fashion you can imagine. The smears are legend. I dealt with a drunk girl at a party the other night telling me all about some smear on me and who it was from. She said “is she crazy or are you? ” I just chuckled and said “she is”
Then she said…
After looking at me sideways for a second,
“Yeah everyone respects you. I don’t believe her. She’s crazy”
That’s what starts happening when you are recovered , (which I largely am though the process of healing is lifelong) The truth rises. People can see you’re not insane. And the narcs reveal themselves over time as well. You can’t hide the stink forever.
And tho I appreciate (am proud of)the fact that a smear like that doesn’t even really annoy me anymore. it still makes me think damn, what other bull shit have these lunatics said? But you keep it moving. Movement is big in recovery. Both on the small field of social situations and on the larger field of life. Ride ,run ,box, jump rope. And then meditate meditate meditate. Meta cognition is the name of the recovery game. Humans are the only animals capable of observing there own thoughts. That’s called META COGNITION. It gives you the ability to observe your own thoughts which ultimately (after some practice) gives you the ability to choose them. So many of us (most) are brought down by the toxic thoughts in their head that they erroneously think they have no choice in. They are wrong about that and it’s not as “magical” or “hard” as you may think. I certainly thought it was out of my range. Basically the place I live in now.
The physical keeping up with the progressions of the emotional and mental. It’s a whole deal kind of thing. You gotta just jump right in to never wasting your time on toxic thoughts, from their mind or your own. Yours will be the harder one to silence but there are ways and means and the practice will give you something to do that breaths into hope in an otherwise intensely stark environment.
But as I was saying about being open to love from the place of need. It’s very hard to trust again after. But as you heal you vibrate A higher frequency and the world reflects back the change in you and so not only are you different but so is the landscape of people before you. And as you approach them from a place of wholeness and generosity as opposed to need and seduction, you start manifesting relationships which endorse your will to become healed.