I did an interview yesterday for the upcoming release of some new/old music and the journalist asked me about how/why I got into boxing. Which led me to opening up about the actual reason, which is recovering from NPD abuse. Any reservations I had about telling my story went out the window and it was plane as day to see, that if I hadn’t yet taken that plunge, I would have given an inauthentic answer. That would have been a serious form of self sabotage, both in not honoring my own internal universe and the one outside. It would not have been on purpose. And I would have given partial truth, but it wouldn’t have actually been the truth. The truth will set you free. It really does. And it’s like you can actually just be yourself and ok with that. I recommend not being afraid. I feel like I’ve finally healed in some core way that is unique in my lifetime. I also feel like sharing this process from this point is good. I’m not so broken that I have no control and yet it’s still quite fresh, quite real but I’m over the mountain. Or at least one of them.
I hadn’t expected to open up and it wasn’t on my agenda. And it just happened naturally. I received a simple question and simply did not edit myself when I answered.
I was a good way into the answer before I even realized how open I was actually being. I think the most open I’ve ever been in that context.
Afterwards I felt liberated again.
It’s funny this process, like a rollercoaster where one minute you think …”oh no” and the next you remember that you are simply speaking your truth. And that that can never be wrong. It’s an unfortunate truth (on the surface) it’s an uncomfortable truth. But it is the TRUTH. So there you go.
During the interview which naturally lead to the biggest aspect of my recovery from all this, which is, the YouTube community of healers and mystics. And even psychopaths who report endlessly on the phenomena of this disorder.
And thank god they do.
If it were not for them I can’t imagine having healed at all.
If it were not for them. Perish the mother effing thought.
Here’s a top ten list I made for the paper but I’m gonna share it here now with those of you who may be struggling now, because this disorder doesn’t wait for newspapers to come out. So nor should I.
My top ten NPD gurus. Investigate what they say. Go down their rabbit holes. You’ll get a crazy kind of education if you do. Namaste.
Lisa A Romano
Her style is appealingly personal. She manages to to really send off an empathy and love thru the videos which you can feel. Never met her in real life but I’d do anything for her. She’s helped me that much.
Peace and Harmony
Oh let me count the ways this mystic has helped me and continues too. Plus she starts every video with “zooming in on and focusing in on” and I dig that so I’m now zooming in on and focusing in on how amazing she is. Been my goto as of late.
I feel like Scott is a young genius. A sweet demeanor too, which is important for victims just waking up. The world becomes a very dark and lonely place, the horrors of what you’ve been going thru descend and if you’re isolated. Or when your isolated. Funds depleted. No way for therapy. (I got one who didn’t know the definition of gas lighting. I shoulda walked right then. I did soon after. )
You lean into this community and it becomes a bedrock of information and validation which are the two things you need most. Scott is like a prophet master of this stuff already and he’s just getting started.
The Godfather of codependency which is a word I don’t much like and neither (I think) did he, so he renamed it the much more accurate “self love deficit disorder”
The process of recovery is long and arduous and so you go into different areas of focus. I’d say I spent about a month zooming in on Ross. He helped me break thru.
A. J. Mahari
She’s like my yoda. And particularly good if you are the scapegoat of a family where NPD reigns supreme. Speaking in great depth about the great difficulty of “no contact”
Here we get the inside scoop. Sam is a diagnosed psychopath who explains in great depth how and why the narcs do what they do.
They’re are a few different channels like this (reports from the other side) and it’s always interesting to hear it (know thy enemy I guess) but I don’t come here for inspiration. I come here for information.
A raw inside portrait of what this disorder does to those of us who have been scapegoats, done with creativity and dark humor. An unflinching bravery to tell her story. It’s high caliber art in my view. Respect.
Another one of my staples early on in my recovery. I just vibe with his tone and manner and he’s so knowledgeable with how this disorder operates that you could get a whole education on the subject with his videos alone.
Another deep one on the realm of “no contact” when I struggle I go here. A very strong healing presence in my life.
Last but certainly a long way from least. Sacha can’t be described. Just go watch her videos. Enough personality to light up a stadium for a century. She brings a sense of self empowerment reclaimed. She got me thru some tough nights. A true warrior who uses humor and creativity as her weapons of choice.
Anyway there you go. Those are incredible resources if you are beginning to heal. I hope you are. Namaste again!