Where the dreamer finds the dream 

I took my first Qi gong baggua class today with an old friend I ran into randomly at a gathering. Riding my bike trying to overcome fear, or my bodies memory of the past. Trying to elevate my mind and then emotions, breathing mantras in and out. Something I learned watching videos on Buddhism. I make em up. Mixing words like healing, gratitude, flowing, affluence, giving, loving. Etc. sometimes for fun I’ll throw in sexy and beautiful 😜
But today somehow, my usual and lucky ease into the higher realms, became an old door with a handle that sticks and rust on the hinges. I could still get thru but it wasn’t easy and the fear was nipping at my heals. I asked the infinite space in my body and the blue and white light between my eyes for a sign and just then (and I mean just then) the bell on my phone went off. Or rather rung and it was a friend I was happy to hear from , and so I picked up , still riding on my way to an Indian restaurant I like in manhattan. A place I go that’s out of the way on purpose, to give me distance to ride too. The plan was eat alone and watch YouTube clips then ride myself back in the night hoping to have put the boogie man to bed. But my friend had other ideas and soon I was elsewhere in Brooklyn and then in a sauna in a backyard next to a hot tub and in the company of some beautiful sorts. It’s incredible the turn around. I explained to giggles. Only in New York to go out on a bike ride and end up in a hot tub. The best part was seeing an old friend which led to a chi gon class today. A circular movement fighting form. An Inner martial art. I can’t wait to take another class. I think the next one is in a park. 

What’s the point of the sauna bk hot tub and then chi gon story. Is this. I got the sign I needed. 
And the love. 
Working on the meditations by dr. Joe 

He says the universe will show you it’s working in ways you won’t see coming. And you won’t see them coming cause you are activating the realm of infinite possibilities. If you can’t necessarily manifest a specific event. You can at least start to manifest events more to your liking. Living in creation rather than survival. 
It’s so interesting to me how much narcissistic abuse operates in a way directly and sort of inversely to how meditation operates. 

What makes for a good victim of NPD abuse also makes for a good manifester of an alternate reality. Namely susceptibility to suggestion. Some people are more analytical (which would be a big advantage when defending yourself against a toxic individual however not so great for meditation, where as people who are more prone to suggestion and less analytical (ding ding ding I’ll have my prize now) can be much more open to people’s manipulation (particularly when you consider just how underhanded some of those tactics are. Embedded language anyone? Dark side NLP , good ole garden variety gas lighting, 

On and on) 

Which brings me to this odd flip side of the therapeutic coin that NPD abuse seems to endlessly be. 

And it goes a little something like this. …

Hit it!! 
I have a laundry list of great behaviors I’m currently engaging in, 

And before you chastise me for bragging, allow me to explain some of their origins. Mainly, it was in learning about the covert tactics NPD abuse uses to function. I became convinced of the validity of all that I’m engaged in now by be broken by it’s opposite. 

And this is where NPD betrays itself as an endless avenue of darkness ,pain , destruction and death. If you escape it’s claws, the therapeutic resource it provides, is endless and vivid. Not to mention a master class on survival and how to take care of yourself. That is if you know where to look 👀. 

It may take you quite awhile to see it. I mean before you can even begin, you’ll need to crawl out of the four tons of debris and bones piled up on top of you from the atomic explosion the narc set off in your life. A kind of favor in and of itself (again if you survive) some lives need a hitting of the reset button. Mine did. 

When learning of how you became a victim of this form of manipulation, you start realizing it’s like looking at a photo negative of a book on how to live right. As you go thru all the different forms and tactics your mind flashes on points of manipulation (what was done and said etc. ) 

And what becomes crystal clear (at least to me) was the power of suggestion and how so much of the wearing down of their victim revolves in this sphere. For those of us who have been too clouded to ever fully understand or appreciate the ability we have to manifest our own reality. Well the NPD experience,as horrific as it is, is a kind of late in the day, Hail Mary pass , boobie prize version , of a reverse masterclass in transforming scraps, into a vision. 

Now in the case of a relationship with a psychopath, that vision is gonna be theirs. and the thing you are gonna transform into is a shadow of your former self so full of spiritual poison you are like a walking ghost. 

But after you survive all that. And that infection of a being is gone, and you are healing and healed. And find yourself with huge resources of space and time (another common off shoot of the dilemma) the lesson sinks in (and sinks in hard. ) Amongst the supposed embarrassment of realizing you’d been duped is the hard to ignore neon sign that reads IF A MONSTER COULD TURN YOU INTO A MONSTER FROM OUTSIDE OF YOUR OWN MIND. WHAT COULD YOU, if you got conscious and healthy, TURN YOURSELF INTO FROM INSIDE YOUR OWN MIND. 

You’ve already seen and been to what the dark side of the equation looks like so why not check out its reverse? Couple that with the motivation that you have now , from having one or more people gunning for your health, both mental and physical. Which is another area of interest, they target your health. I know that sounds beyond strange. Hell, to people who have no (or light) experience with this disorder the whole thing sounds strange. It’s strangeness is also vital to its operation. Because to describe it to the uninformed, its hard to believe. But nothing gets you as motivated to really take care of yourself as to know that someone who deeply betrayed you is rooting for you to treat yourself like shit. And by like “shit” I mean is rooting for you to do yourself in. 

Somehow that steals the sexy out of the fucked up artist myth. 
When I got home I watched ‘Joshua’ on Netflix. The story of the teenage kid who became the face of protest in Hong Kong and then China. Incredibly moving if you haven’t seen it. According to Dr. Joe there are five types of motivation. Going from highest to lowest, in terms of power, we have at the top of the food chain, purpose motivation, duty motivation, mission motivation. This is what Joshua tapped into and galvanized a movement ,which was first simply to prevent Beijing from implementing its B.S. national school regime into the freer thinking Hong Kong. Joshua stood up to the thought police. 

People can be dangerous when you try to interfere with their ability to think freely. 

Interestingly NPD abuse is all about controlling thoughts and emotions in others. And so now 

I feel that sense of purpose motivation when it comes to sharing my journey of survival from this. It’s a strange gift when you have that sense of purpose. It usually doesn’t come easy and there is likely to be sacrifice along the way, but when you are living out of a sense of purpose, no second gets wasted, and every breath gets appreciated and there is a connection with something greater than yourself urging you on. Giving you the signs when you need them. A sauna and a hot tub. 
The other four motivations are as follows. Coming in at number two is personal conviction, self starter, and entrepreneurial motivation. 

Number three. 

Ethics, Morality based motivation. 

Number four. 

Ego centered motivation 

And number five. At the bottom of the motivational food chain. The least powerful is 

Drum roll please!!!

Can you guess? 

I bet you can ….

Yup

Money motivation. 
These aren’t listed in terms of bad and good. They’re listed in terms of power. Meaning how powerful you are at manifesting is related to where your motivation is coming from and will be effective in relation to this scale according to the good doctor Joe Dispenza. 
As my life bottomed out I’d say I operated primarily from number five. Not that I ever made art purely for that or wrote songs just to make money but I lapsed into a mode of survival rather than creation which comes as a result of living from guilt shame stress and fear. It’s a dangerous but easy spiral to get into. And even without toxic people, you need to make money to live and that induces stress. If you get into debt you start taking gigs which become less about building a career and more about making rent. If you allow that cycle to continue, then your joy fades, the work suffers, your motivation is wrong and your ability to turn it back around gets lost. You start thinking that you’ll make enough to get on your feet and then start operating from a higher place again. But that plan doesn’t work because your ability to actually create change is so greatly reduced by stress. And by where you’re coming from. In order to change you have to start imagining and feeling a different reality for yourself. You have to let go for awhile and go on faith. 

Personally I don’t think it can really be done until you are broken and basically nothing works anymore. People can change. I know that now. but I’m not so sure people can change until they need to. Dr Joe always “why wait?” It makes me giggle every time. 
Do narcs know this or are they unconsciously targeting the exact area which prevents you from connecting to the light? (Incidentally Narcs supposedly can’t access their frontal lobes which explains their lack of empathy. Dr Joes work is basically all about operating from primarily the frontal lobes. The area of the brain where compassion and vision learn to dance. 

Just like in the jungle if you are in the presence of a predator your stress hormones will activate like a motherfucker and you will hopefully find safety. But if you are in a relationship or relationships with toxic people, they are either covertly or overtly engaging your stress response nearly all the time. Which has the exact same effect as if you were in a jungle with a lion. You become addicted to the stress hormones (which are highly addictive) and you become used to living from a place of fear and survival. If you were raised in that environment , then that feeling is also home and feels (insanely) like a cozy blanket of love rather than what it really is… A completely limiting structure from which to operate. A structure that is all the time wearing down, and wearing you down with it. And as you weaken…well… the attacks get harsher and harsher and your ability to defend yourself in anyway against them lessens and lessens until you are broken. 
Which brings me back to that flip side of the therapeutic coin I was speaking on earlier. 
Now that you’ve survived. You’ve had a first hand account of just how destructive and dangerous stress actually is. And you also find it odd and curious just how dedicated these abusive types are to engaging that stress. I guess it’s not that odd. People are easy to control when they’re afraid. Not so easy when they’re not. But regardless of all that, you’ve seen the destruction of stress. You become quite passionate about finding ways to find its opposite. 
In fact really, they give you a fun house blue print of how to live a near perfect life. I was clueless before. Adrift for sure. Hell if you’ve lived with psychopath for a year and survived. You have a doctoral degree in survival and how to live life to the fullest. You just gotta know how to see it. I wonder if they know this consciously or if they are just bots from the dark side? Either way the end result is what I’d consider to be a spiritual war. Those who can still access dreams and compassion and the ability to manifest beautiful things being targeted by those who cannot and who have a gauge on just that area of connection. Where the dreamer finds the dream. You gotta protect your dream even more than the dreamer and learn to follow the dream even when the dreamer is gone. 

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