I won’t silence my voice and how about you don’t silence yours. Let’s let the truth define us and skip the other chores. There really is no difference In between what’s mine or yours.
There is no game to play or any evening of scores.
There’s only light and love
And then The demon fear of course,
But I won’t silence my voice and how about you don’t silence yours.
I’ve been “no contact” with my immediate family since last Christmas with a quite a build up of dysfunction before which built up to it. The story of how it all happened is one for another time. But it comes complete with an m. Night Sha Alan twist which will keep the audiences gasping when I finish up my screenplay. But I digress.
The decision to now be open about this comes with great concern and concentration and thought. Meditation. And what I come to. What I get told by my connection with my higher self is simply this. It’s the only choice.
Let’s completely wipe away questions of guilt blame and who did what. And just focus on this. Imagine yourself becoming orphaned in the world but then imagine the extra weight of all that when you are meant to or sort of expected by society to keep things like that to yourself. It’s certainly what you are programmed to believe when raised in a household run by a narcissist.
I’ve lived with this burden for about a half year. The lead up to that was a period of personal devastation I had previously never experienced due to being involved with a real genuine psychopath.
To give you the cliff notes version. That broke my life down. Lead me to the discovery of npd abuse and all it’s many forms. Which lead me to making posts about it, which made every narc in my life (I guess) think I was speaking on them which lead to some incredible behavior from them which I could no longer ignore and then imagine a thunderstorm of gasoline over your life and then imagine lighting a match.
The thing about npd abuse is it forces your charActer into actions that are unnatural to itself. Such as this. This exposure is the perfect example.
You think I like this choice?
You think I signed up for it?
Was this the rock n roll dream?
No I did not. I’m faced with this being my ONLY healthy choice for MANY reason.
Here’s one for you. There are/were/are children in my life I care a great deal for.
They’ve been told some reason why I’m no longer present. I hardly think they’ve been told an honest reason. I suspect there’s been more than just whisperings or “concern” about my mental health.
How does one ostrisized fro a family unit defend themselves from this?
What you are reading here is our only defense. The truth and not being afraid to share it.
That means you gotta be comfortable with the truth. When I first woke up from all this I was very NOT comfortable with the truth. Ive worked incredibly hard to get myself comfortable with it. To be ready for whatever further smear may be coming my way.
But again I didn’t create this situation. I’m simply responding to it.
I’m actually a person who enjoys privacy and if you know me in real life I’d appreciate this not being a discussion unless I bring it up to you. You need to comment on this then that’s what the comment section is for. Otherwise let’s just treat each other with mutual respect.
Also keep in my mind. My family life got destroyed officially a half year ago. And was always just what it was before that.
What was my silence protecting accept the functionality of a personality disorder. Under the disorder that’s ravaged my family is people who if they could find their way to the truth could be helped forgiven and saved.
I found my way to the truth.
You wanna see what that looks like. Go back six months or so on my insta and look at selfies from then to now.
The main difference is six months ago I let myself know or could no longer not know the truth. Six months ago I let the truth in. It was excruciating but purifying and it keeps purifying me and remains my North Star. The only light in a very dark place that I can follow.
When Chris killed himself I realized that people are struggling everywhere and that I can no longer in good conscience hold back the gifts and avenues of my hard one struggle to survive over the last year.
People are fragile and we all need hope and help and brave voices to shine a light on the truth. I need to tell my story of recovery. I’ve written piles of stuff that I’ve held back and I shouldn’t any longer. I know it will help.
At least me be able to own the losses in my life with out the added hell of secrecy about them.
The all or the nothing.
It’s always. All or nothing. These are the terms. Their terms.
And the sad fact of no contact.
What is it?
Just who stepped away from who?
When you wake up from a game you didn’t know you were playing which involves your heart and soul and the deepest most primal levels. The devastation you feel is total. Like some divine size circus clown hand Grenade hammer breaking your existence all the way open. The bleak rage. The isolation. The ostrich is nation. The last lonely station with train broken only way is meditation. And your heart break rage towards the ultimate betrayal which is bottomless in its extremely personal so personal it becomes all the way impersonal and then you realize you are only dealing with energies and people inability to show up for themselves and so then remain unable to show up for anyone else. And how many of us really show up for ourselves? I’ve started to recently and difference is astounding. I understand what stopped me from taking these personal measures before so I don’t regret the past really but it’s hard to not wish I’d done this years ago. But really that’s just something I think I should say. I actually am glad to experience all this just as I am. It’s hard to believe how blind I was and how blind we always might still be. If anything it’s just taught me to view the nature of reality different. Or else just embrace a more vivid and detailed picture of it and the nature and motivations of the human animal. A strange creature to be sure. A history of violence so extreme, how one could be shocked to find out people might be exploring and employing violence on a covert psychological level is amusing to me now but then I was dumbfounded. Dumbstruck. Caught silly and off guard. Psychotic and dumb. Still kinda cute. Haha. Not really.
That’s where I’ve been. It’s home sweet home. How to explain that? How to send that card around at the holdidays. Hey y’all merry Christmas from me and no contact. Who would choose that? Ask yourself that. It’s so radical. So outside the box of anything I could have imagined would ever be my reality but there it was. It would take a few chapters to unpack that story but suffice to say I was given no choice in the matter. No choice if I also wanted to hold onto any semblance of my sanity.
But I won’t live in that secret structure. Your truth untold can become an ugly thing. I’ve got no shame in what’s happened to me and my family. But I won’t be silent and terrified of this personality disorder any longer. I won’t even frame it as a human. And whatever human it is operating thru is a victim to it as much as anyone it victimizes. So in another way of seeing it. I am speaking the truth for that victim as well. And what good to tell of my family situation?
Well that’s already a “broken” thing so. Silence equals death in that regard.
Whisperings about my mental state (what else explains my absence?) aka smear campaign.
I go on living my life always ashamed of this dark cloud on my existence. A dark cloud I didn’t manifest. But one that was manufactured inside me and all around me by the tireless hands of this disorders abuse.
I don’t speak my truth. I don’t speak my story. I keep my recovery to myself and how it works and it’s ability to inspire others. I keep that submerged. I stay afraid. I get small. I get sick. I go away. I die. I saw it all in a flash. Visions during meditation. That’s one way to go. That way also I protect my abuser. Supposedly. Really all I would be protecting is a personality disorders ability to continue to operate. Make no mistake about. Speaking truth on this to narcs ears is a declaration of war. But I don’t want that energy at all. All I want is my voice. All I need is my voice and my right to speak truth. And regardless of whatever ego spinning camouflage is present coming from my way or theirs the fact is that my voice and my experience is an extension of the universe. Just as your voice is an extension of the very same universe. I’d like to hear other people speak their truth plainly. For me now it’s simply a matter of survival. In all kinds of ways. I’m of course concerned and afraid. It’s radical to express yourself in this world authentically but what a blessing when that becomes all that you must do. Namaste.