The rope a dope dance of forgiveness

The rope a dope dance of forgiveness. 
Or how to coalesce a blossoming interest in Buddha ism and the detachment of forgiveness. The all inclusive ness of that decision and yet remaining protected and even aware of the malicious intent often coming from those of us we hold most dear. 
That decision, we in the process of recovery from the narc regime, all must face, is to let our truth come forth or to protect the image of our abuser. To a healthy person, the decision would be obvious. But for those of us raised in this environment, for us to actually know our truth much less speak it, is a kind of miracle. 
You wake up into many disagreeable decisions to make. Primarily to rat or not to rat. (And of course rat is a weird word to use but it comes, because ultimately, abuse is criminal so you are forced into that extreme of a narrative, one that wasn’t your fault, your truth or theirs?) 

Indeed the narc regime forces you upon healing, to decide this. You either keep yourself and your voice and your truth submerged or else you rat out your abuser. Any victim of abuse is faced with this seemingly no win decision. The win is to speak your truth. The truth as they say will set you free. But the ultimate win is to speak not from a place of vengeance or revenge or anger even, but as a force of universal healing. To further your own healing and inspire others to do the same. To not allow yourself to shrink under the ancient and impersonal strain from the weight of all this, As others inspired you. And even ultimately serve to heal as much as possible your abuser. 

Tho they won’t thank you for this. ever. And will never see this but will simply pivot, as they always do, into the victim modality. You will get no congratulations or validation from them whatsoever. 

In fact when framed a different way you could say the entire journey of being raised in narc regime is a process of going from the trap of invalidation all the way to the miracle of self validation. For those of you who were raised in environments of love and validation you simply cannot imagine what an entire lifetime of never feeling that could be like. And for those of us who have the matrix like awakening out of this predicament…. well let’s just say, feeling validated in certain way that you never were is an experience I’m not sure they’ve made words for. No way any one would do. Euphoria isn’t rich enough a word to encapsulate it. Tho that would be its overriding quality, not all of which are positive. 

To understand why this invalidation is necessary you have to understand to the loose structure a narcs personality and sense of self hinges upon. It’s a thin ,see thru structure , which would be fair to say, cards , are made of tougher stuff. You simply cannot be validated in a narc regime. No one can. Not even the narc. That’s where the invalidation starts which everyone then must reinforce and play along with in this environment of the permanent psychic bully. (Who himself only actually exists in the mind of the narc whose then own creative will demands others to pick up the puppet strings) The stakes of bucking against are understood to be devastating. That belief is reinforced over and over again. To be a child brought up in that kind of bully pulpit you stand no chance of developing much of a self to validate at all. And the process of your invalidation is brought to the forefront ad adnoseum 

Running along side that is your survival instinct which kicks in a brutally deep kind of Stockholm syndrome and then so long as the parental units then shift their behavior to something resembling reasonable into the sphere of supposed adult hood. Then the cycle of abuse and denial will continue and continue. 

Until someone being abused suddenly wakes up to what is still going on. When I woke up I was nearly dead. I was complicit. And at that point the abuse was coming from my very own “adult” relationships, as well as, unbeknownst to me at the time, my family. 

None of this is about me blame shifting (a huge narc tactic) I drove my own life all the way down past the point where many others have died. I did this and bare full responsibility for it. I’m simply speaking my truth now, not as a way of ducking any shame from behaviors of my past but rather to ensure that my past isn’t repeated. and that from here the burden of its “mistakes” are seen only as pathways to wisdom which they almost always are. 

My recovery from this is as much about redefining what the word victim actually means and the fact that language as a whole is an area of specific interest to me specifically regarding how this disorder operates. It hides out in the meanings in between other meanings of other words. It does this brilliantly and consistently to the point where it no longer feels like dumb luck but rather structures of diabolically genius design. In the land of language the narcs are winning the spiritual war by a motherfucking landslide and that needs changing. 
A whole book could would and should be written just on that but let’s get to some humdingers. The word narcissist itself. What it means to the average stooge on the street. A person who’s a bit full of himself. Right. 

But let’s just go to the person who was the most full of himself of all time. Jesus. Jesus was so full of himself that he was no self. Jesus knew he was god. Jesus only wanted to heal and help everyone and knew that he could. Jesus was not a narcissist. A narcissist wants to hurt. Jesus did not want to hurt a fly. But based on that knee jerk def of narc and Jesus would certainly qualify. 

Now let’s just go down the lines of other heroic beautiful figures who could also always easily be classified as grandiose etc. 

and here in lies the genius level linguistic misdirection the narc regime employs. Which is to take one of its primary symptoms of its disorder to be of the utmost importance when diagnosing the condition when in fact it should only really be classified in THE WILL AND INTENT TO HURT AND DO DAMAGE TO OTHERS. the will and intent to hurt and do damage to others. That’s it. 

Not only does it hide out in the word that claims to wrap it up and definE it. That same word could also arguably be used to describe what’s the very best thing about people. Their desire to shine. How can we let this one motherfucking word keep meaning these two wildly WILDLY WILDLY WILDLY DIFFERNT THINGS. 

I frankly love it when people make spectacles of themselves. Hallelujah!! Imagine a world with no Miles Davis. No thanks. No Jimi Hendrix. No Brando. No Anne Sexton. No Joan Mitchell (painter) Forget about it. 

It’s funny cause to shine in that kind of way is really outside a narcs grasp. I like the word narc. Kinda like narcs for Satan. That’s what they are. Devils narcs. 
So no 

that grandiose thing. ….Keep that coming. It’s the trying to destroy others part that most interests me. Can we not confuse those very two different issues. (That’s on purpose) Can we keep those lines unblurred for a moment? 

The desire. The need. To hurt others. 


That’s what this is. 

THE NEED TO HURT OTHERS AS A MEANS OF CONTROL. that’s the condition I’m speaking of. Call it HURTISM 

And Call the people that do it. 


let’s call this what it is. 


it hurts. 


They hurt. 
People can be huge grandiose personalities who desire fame and power and fortune and there is nothing wrong with that. I want all those things. But I want them to inspire others and to use those resources to help others. And also to live large and have fun. But never to harm. Never to sabotage. Narcs want to harm and sabotage and that is pretty much all they want. They don’t even want it. They need it. It’s people who lost themselves and then demand that same kind of self abandonment in others. Narcs can’t validate because they have deeply invalidated themselves to the point of complete self annihilation, at which point they invented a false self, which is really akin to signing a deal with the devil. From that point on you must destroy any authentic expression around you. From yourself or others. Everything becomes a tool of seduction and manipulation including words like love and family. 
I made a mistake days ago when comparing my new found ability to tell my truth. To being like three punches. But it’s nothing like that. I’m not coming from a place of aggression but rather from a place where aggression was foisted upon me. And as a peace loving being I am responding to the call. A consider myself a force to be reckoned with and I suppose I wanted that to be understood by my abusers. I reaching for dignity which wasn’t there’s to take so is beyond them to give back. A sign of weakness and something for them to feed on. A snack for the beast as you climb over the wall. 

 I forgive myself for the mistake. I recognize it and move on. I can even address it here. I don’t need to be perfect. I can contradict myself. These are all new feelings. This level of self acceptance, if ever before displayed, was then being faked, Unbeknown to myself at the time. I’ve always been trying my best. Never living up to my core values and never really believing that was possible until now. And now it’s come not from some great moral fortitude but rather because all other possibilities have been exhausted. tried and failed and because the options left had routed themselves out to almost nothing. I don’t know how much time I had, but going as I was i don’t think I would have survived or wanted to for very long. I was a complete stranger to myself at the end. I didn’t realize I could be as devastated as I was and I hadn’t yet even come close to understanding the level of devastation that was to be. 
I don’t want to be a victim. And don’t frame myself as such. However it’s important to own what happened to you and I think to be comfortable owning the fact that you may have been victimized isn’t easy, particularly for men. It’s not seen as manly to say ” hey I was a victim of abuse” but you know what. I think I’m a bad ass for claiming it. Not living in it but rather living thru it to transcend it to help others do the same and use it as a great doorway into not only your own healing but the healing of others and the universe. 

It’s important to understand where you are before you can get to where you’re going. I woke up from this like many before and many to come. Victimized. But I can honestly say I’m grateful for all the beings in my life. And I love them all. Truly I do. I forgive them all. Because I know they were only operating out of their programming. My comfort with the truth comes from this place of ultimate forgiveness. I know what my intentions are. They are to help and to heal myself and others. That is all. 

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