You think I don’t know about the war I’m in. You’re wrong.
I finally know some of the rules. And only some. It’s like you decided to play chess with someone without telling them the rules or that there was even pieces and board at all. And then you deemed yourself superior for outsmarting someone you were profoundly sabatoging and straight up pathologically lying to the entire time. And in the end they are responsible for taking the heat of most of the affair under the moniker “ codependency “ which is at best a general term that faults people for being too giving, too forgiving, too empathetic, too trusting, taking people at their word and being too self sacrificing. When these mostly decent attributes only reveals any kind of sickness in the environment of toxic predators, who look for these qualities and are (I will give them this) adept at manipulating and taken advantage and in the long term using these qualities against the victim. It’s true one could say (and I’m sure the narcs think or use as justification for their abuse) that no one is really selflessly magnanimous. In their view any generosity of spirit can be explained away to the vortex of need and greed. To them people are never motivated to take care of others outside of what that does for the person whose supposedly coming from a charitable place. They have cut themselves off from the light so entirely and permanently that for them it’s impossible to see anything like true generosity for what it is.
However , It makes people who aren’t personality disordered feel good when they help others and why shouldn’t it? If a person is in relatively good emotional health then it’s as natural as sleeping, eating, fucking or standing to lend a hand of generosity and support. The entire twelve step movement revolves around the twelfth step, which is essentially all about being of service. And the twelve step movement doesn’t exactly shy away from the knowledge that it’s by being of service that our esteem builds to the point where self destruction no longer makes sense. It’s why the twelve step movement continues to be a great force to this day. It’s based on simple yet profound humanity and logic. Basically be a cool morherfucker and then you’ll have a cool motherfucking life. It’s as basic as one plus one equals two.
Is it true that on planet earth one who is this trusting should not be. Unfortunately yes it is. But that shouldn’t be a way of turning healthy traits into sick ones. Or redefining the ultimate value of mental health against the sickest of our society, which in my view narcissists are. In fact both words “narcissist” and “codependent” are ill equipped to really frame the reality of the behavior involved. This move to make them equal parts of this disfunction is a wrong headed form of victim shaming.
In a made for TV movie about rape, It’s always the show stopping scene when the evil lawyer who is defending the rapist goes in on the victim about her personal behavior. She was wearing a tight skirt. She perhaps had slept around. She was drunk that night. And on and on the attorney badgers until she breaks down sobbing and we in the audience are meant to feel outrage at this misaligned view and perversion of justice. Where yes, the victim may be free and easy, she may have been drunk, she may dress provactively but as a culture we are supposed to understand that these behaviors (tho they may be controversial to some) do not justify a person being raped, and any attempt to make them feel guilty for being a victim is seen as a form of abuse that’s known to be redamaging and in and of itself quite traumatic.
However pivot that same view to the case of narc abuse and what you get is a society built to do just that. It’s a town you’re invited into when you wake up from this form of abuse and over looking the entryway on it is a big sign called CODEPENDENCY. Which, ironically enough, is a way for society at large to emulate the victims of this crime by bearing the responsibility of the abuse for the abuser. One could say the entire universe of codependency is intrinsically codependent. It can’t be any other way. It’s only reason of being is to justify and make some semblance of sense into the horrors of narcissism and it’s abuse. Codependency essentially outlines traits which are narcissisms oppisite and then rates them as pathological in as much as one can be victimized by these predators. But why should we allow their sick and dramatically deranged viewpoint be what we hinge supposedly normal behavior across ? We need to route out the despicable ones and celebrate our desire to be “too generous, too giving, too concerned. I want to live in a world where those quality are rewarded and celebrated. Not made to feel like a sickness.
We all have our issues. To be human is to have issues. Yes we all need to find and maintain boundaries, but amongst healthy beings there is no problem here. Everything finds its balance naturally. Some are more giving. Some are less. No big deal. It’s only when you introduce the concept of a predator who is pathologically lying, motivated entirely to bring you down, hopefully by your own hand, as they deceive you thru well studied and tried and true manipulation tactics and mind control stunts, who zero in on the most trusting, most giving, most romantic sorts and play them for everything they’re worth, as they smear them and encourage them openly and covertly to destroy themselves.
So yes then suddenly we have a condition called codependency. And we chastise the victims of this abuse for being too trusting and too open.
You might say. Too needy!!
But we need each other. There is nothing wrong with that. It’s natural and right to want and try and find true partnership and love. What could be more right than seeking that out?
As I said we all have issues and for some the need can easily be seen as pathological in and of itself. But my point is that that is the exception to the rule. Narcs take good people and fuck them up so bad that they don’t know their ass from a hole in the wall. At that point they are so are broken and so violated on such a core level, broken at the center, entirely broken. Your structure gone.
Imagine Rocky at his most beat up and multiply that a few hundred times, super impose that visual to your insides and you’re getting close to seeing how the beginning stages of recovery from this abuse feels and unfolds. It is extreme. Infact after this you really become fearless in a way that boarders on cartoon superhero.
So from that point you’ll latch on to any explanation of events like a man four days in a desert would a drop of water. Especially one that gives you even a smige of your power back. You were codependent. That’s the reason. That explains it.
But that’s not it.
You were a victim of a predator. And most likely a pack of predators from childhood on. That’s the way this shit usually goes. And in that you could say “ ah see there it is! You were a victim of this in childhood so therefore you sought it out! Well…
I’m sure that’s in some ways true for many. But there again the disgusting behavior was there at the beginning. The disgusting behavior comes from narcissists.
Codependency as a concept
Is not entirely unhelpful in the early stages of recovery. After a time of realizing you’ve been a victim of this crime, it can be benifical and empowering to see how your need interfered with your judgement. Times you went against your gut. How you started doing that more and more. And yes it’s helpful to see weaknesses in your character or ways in which you could be more authentic and demand that from others. But frame that stuff against the pillowy reality of a world full of essentially good natured and magnamous people and the concept of codependency starts to fall away like nothing at all.
We all have needs to fill. We all come somewhat needy and hopefully we all come with at least as much or more to give.
Personally I had assumed people framed reality this way. I’ve learned the hard way that this is far from true. It’s a disgusting yet an oddly ecstatic realization. But I want to keep being. Too trusting. Too magnanimous. Too empathetic. Too generous. And I want the rest of the world to fall up to that level. The victims of this crime aren’t the real sick ones. That’s the point. That’s the main point.