From Jan 19 pre boxing 🥊 

The no contact thing. Waking up alone and going to sleep that way daily starting to wear. I need to reup my efforts. I need to get out there and run. I’m not depressed but I can feel the waves of doubt and fear. Maybe I am depressed. The newness of your souls optimsim going something like “how much longer do we have to do this?” Rebuild a life. And not only that but rebuild a self. A self that can attract people who aren’t toxic. When you’re raised toxic, it’s like you’re fitted with thousands upon thousands of invisible sonars signaling the predators to come this way. It’s as if someone wrote it in my DNA. “Toxic people not only will I take your shit but I’m also impossibly attracted to it. Isolation not only becomes a place of comfort but also a kind of inevitability if you are genuine about healing. And when you’ve gone no contact with your family and life long friends (who are also obviously up to shenanigans. There is both relief in the fact that now your subconscious and conscious are working with the same or at least similar information. Alcoholics call this phase the pink cloud. But after a time, the loss you’ve suffered really crashes down and then you are left with the shambles of your existence. You can’t really afford to slink into depression. You have to reup your efforts. You have to be vigilant and disciplined but you also must allot yourself joy and ease or else you’ll lose your marbles. It’s a delicate or tricky balance and apart from endless virtual support online, mostly from clips on YouTube of people explaining exactly what you’re dealing with, and maybe (if you’re lucky) one or two actual friends who support you. Most are affected by the smear campaign and the absurdity (albeit entirely sane) and extremity of what you are attempting scares most, if not directly talking you out of it, will be eager to change the subject. It’s lonely practice. Self realization. It’s like with writing, it’s not a group activity. You follow your own thread. Your own inner guide and you power thru the seasons of doubt which may last a minute or could last all day and into the next. But you keep going. You review the evidence and the facts. You reconfirm the impossibility of going back. You are in between two types of impossible. You must keep going.  back is more impossible than moving forward. You must move forward. You must become free. 

Isn’t It Cruel?

The following was written thru dictation into my phone and quickly edited before hitting the stage tonight in Chicago. I like to write these things quick and post them that way. Forgive the repetition and typos. Namaste. 

I’m not doing this to be cruel. I’m doing it to show other victims it can be done. 

You can stand up to the oppressors in your world

You can fight back against the bullies. 
You can do it without unhealthy obsession but rather as therapeutic balm on your recovery. Also a deep layer of protection by my way of thinking. It behooves victims of this to make the separation permanent. My mother is still trying to blur the lines of what happened. The temptation to sweep things under the rug is great on many levels. Survival chief among them. As kids raised in this abuse our survival depended on our ability to do just that. It’s deeply programmed in us to excuse forgive and wipe away such terrors. To do anything but that seems quite insane to types like us. This blog seems totally insane to me. But what happened to me and so many like me, was totally insane. A lot more insane. Like many many many times more insane. This blog is deeply mild by comparison. Trust. 

And even a year ago the collective psyche may have been ill equipped to facilitate us being able to properly frame and explain the crimes that were committed against us. But I don’t think that’s true anymore. The world is evolving so fast it’s becoming faster and faster all the time. We don’t have to pretend that we don’t know what actual human violence is anymore. Because actual human violence. The really bad kind. Isn’t one guy hitting another guy in the face. Actual human violence is what these creeps do covertly. 

When you wake up to the over the top raw ass fuck reality of what you’ve been put thru, and there at the bottom of your fragmented self realize there is A) no way to explain any of this to anyone. And B) if there was , you don’t have anywhere near the capacity to do that on almost any level, of the several levels of understanding it would take to even have a snowballs chance in hell of coming off sane. 

You then hit a despair so profound. 

Let’s just say my old self died there. He didn’t make it. 
So what’s human violence? 

Outside of the horrors of war and gun violence and all of terrorism. Outside of extreme cases 
What’s the human violence that takes many many many more lives in many many many more ways then all of the violence I listed above. 
Our president is displaying it widely, famously, and wildly. 
Hell everyone knows he has the condition of which I speak. 

Our current president. How many think pieces in npd have there been since he took office. Shit is evolving, and in our favor in this regard. And we are still pretending that no one can be accused and shown to be guilty of these very heinous crimes that continue to go unpunished in our society?? 

Seems like an area to focus on. Seems like an area that needs changed. 
If someone robbed your house and you knew they did and you could even prove it you wouldn’t do nothing about it. you would press charges. maybe stupidly you’d want to go over to their house in the middle of the night and rob them back. that would be your first instinct. 
 can you imagine what all the victims of this feel like, as they have no recourse in the legal system? I can tell you in truth I never had a murderous thought before I woke up from the psychopathic dance. Not a truly murderous one. It’s a dangerous game the narcs are playjng. 

I’m doing this for love. But I don’t mind that they feel the weight of their actions thru my words. I’m conformance with that. I forgive them but they need stern parenting. They are after emotional children. And children need to to be corrected or punished when they step out of line. 

That helps you know that they aren’t scary at all really. Merely little hurt lost children that need to be grounded while they learn how to behave.
The legal system needs to set up new architecture to deal with this, sure. Real change needs to occur, but we as a community can evoke that thru personal bravery, such as I am displaying here. 
Can I send a call out to the copy cats. To copy cat me here, into oblivion. To make what I’m doing here a matter of course, when narcs step out of line. Let’s give them very little room to operate. Let’s give them less and less room all the time. Until there is none and they forced to simply suffer into healing, rather than impose that nightmare unsuspecting and undeserving victims. 
Cause as it is now. There is no consequences. The only consequences I suspect are enjoyable to them. I imagine this blog is enjoyable to them. I’m aware that it is a fresh well of supply for them. It is after all, my attention. 
I’m glad it’s helping others. It’s certainly helping me. 

But I want to take it further than exposure. I want to press charges for what went down. 

Not for me. 

I’m good. 

I’m about to play a packed show at space in Chicago on a monday night. I got a plate full of salmon. I got flirtations and music and art and money and looks. 

I can get on with life just fine. 

But I’m interested in putting Quinn in the slammer because, she deserves to be there. For what she did to me, and those before me, and most importantly for whoever she is absolutely destroying and whoever she’s planning on destroying after that guy and after the next guy after that. 

And also

Because I think it could blaze a trail that would redeem this whole fiasco in my mind. 

To create permanent change in the field of covert interspecies predatory violence and abuse. That’s my mission statement. 
As it is now. No recourse. Can you see 
how that could turn into a scourge of Vigilantism? 

 Actually the truth set you free. and that’s not just for me or you, that’s for them too the truth sets everybody free I’m not telling on a person or people in this blog. I’m telling on this disorder. i’m identifying people who are currently trapped in their own version of this disorder, but they too are victims of this disorder. and it’s only buy them having to stand next to and account for their actions and deeds and words that they stand a chance of getting anything like healthy. Conventional wisdom would tell you there is no help or hope for these people, but what happens if they are stripped away of their ability to play these games anymore? they simply will have to face the reality of what they are and what they’ve been doing. and once they do that they can heal and change. I don’t think that anybody is beyond hope. I just think that the way the current world is, they have no real reason to change because they get away with this and they get away with it overtly and covertly and all over the place and even after they’ve been found out they keep getting away with it. why? this makes no sense to me. 

I mean it does make sense to me I’m lying it does make sense but 

it makes sense a year ago why 

but not anymore not anymore it doesn’t make sense because now everybody knows the score here. this is not new information I mean anybody who actually claims they don’t know the score with this shit is usually is a narc I’m in my experience. most everybody is catching the vibe of what’s going on here. 

 you know it would be easy for me to just write off into the sunset and act like none of this ever really happened and set up firmer boundaries and have a pretty decent life but I developed a real sense of purpose with recovering from this huge devastation that occurred, which I don’t think my old self even survived. 

 I had to become basically somebody new in order to survive this. it’s a serious crime that these people commit it’s a serious crime these people commit. It’s a SERIOUS CRIME. come ON now and again. 
if you’re studying Buddhism and all that stuff there is an in ENORMOUS TEMPTATION to just like see everything a little esoterically. AND forgive without true investigation and THEN try to forget everything that you’re supposed to forget or think that you’re supposed to forgive so youRE just gonna act like you forgive and get on with your life but there again when we’re talking about abuse, to me those dynamics change a lot. because forgiving is one thing but until people are held accountable for their actions it’s just for me, as of as a real victim of this I don’t think it’s healthy to drift back into denial. 
Picture emotions like the bill at the end of the night. A big dinner. The check is coming. Toxic shame is the bill. 

The predators say they have to go to the bathroom and leave you with the bill. The bill is as steep as is their pain. In my case the predators pain was rather humongous. The bill they left me with was laughable. 

I’m still sitting at the table fuckers. 

Why don’t you come pay the bill you stuck me with, then we can all just go down the road in our own merry way. 
They be like

“What the fuck are you doing??? You’re just supposed to shut the fuck up and eat our shit.”
I be like
” I don’t think so”

” the world is now watching. I’ve called you out in public, in a pretty big way, making pretty big claims about you. Incredible accusations actually. And I’m doing over and over again. If I’m lying you could easily sue me for defamation of character. If I’m lying you could easily speak up and state your case. 

Silence sounds like an admission of guilt. 

Any you fuckers got the sack to speak up for yourselves. Cat got your tongue?

I ain’t the only one with a digital typing device and access to social media. 

If I’m lying 

Speak up for yourself. 
Cut too six months from now…. still crickets. 

Bet

These people are cowards. 

What I’m doing now seems supernatural to them or entirely insane. 
Prove me wrong fucks. Speak up. 

If we collectively get brave we can create a seismic shift in the NPD universe. We can create real legal consequences for this type of behavior this behavior warrants real harsh legal consequences we can formulate Ways and Means to prove these behaviors it’s not impossible at all. 

 we can make it much more difficult for people of a predatory nature to take advantage of empaths basically. There you have it. They’re not monsters they are a little children who need to get their wrist slapped and learn how to act right
 this is actual human violence. outside of extreme cases such as I listed above earlier. outside of those type of extreme cases, this is actually real human violence this is what real human violences is. it’s this manipulation. it’s this wearing down. and it needs to stop. it needs to be accounted for. their needs to be consequences. for we have consequences if you walk up to somebody in the street and hit him in the face, so why not actual human violence? why don’t we have consequences for that? we must because once we do, The cases of this behavior will be greatly reduced, lives will be saved, countless lives will be saved, good lives. I almost died. think of all the albums you guys wouldn’t have had these fucks got their way. everything I do from here on out you wouldn’t have had, had these fucks… how many of me have there been? Who didn’t survive? that didn’t get so lucky ? countless. not saying artist lives are more valuable than any others but you get my point these are high-quality lives at stake. good people getting hurt right now right now very good people close to death. because of this behavior and if they get lucky enough to wake up, there will be no consequences on the predators who have done this to them. none. 

at best they can hope for is to recover, which will take at least a year to even begin to really work through it all. 

 I can tell you I’m six months and I’ve worked, I’ve never worked harder on anything in my life then recovering from this and I think I’m over the hardest part but I’m still very much in the thick of it. there needs to be consequences. it’s obvious. 

 we can turn planet earth into a far more Utopian dream if we enact this change. I believe that people can’t have Shangri-La here because of these predators. I heard that on a YouTube clip last night driving. It’s true. I want to raise a safer world for our children. I seen real danger. I seen real evil and it’s subtleas a motherfucker. 
Ps. Mom and dad. You can keep my paintings. And I don’t need financial retribution. That was morning anger. What I want is for our family to heal and to become whole again and we can’t do that by denying reality. Namaste. 

Still Not A Friend Will Be Calling 

When people are out of control inside they try to control more. CAculated confusion
Trust your confusion

Your heart knows they’re using

Your mind they’re abusing

Your will been diluting 

Trust your despair

Your anger won’t care

They say it’s not there but it’s there. 

Cognitive diss

For their razor your wrist

The solutions their tryst 

You can’t follow this

So cognitive diss

Trust your neglect

The emptiness you reflect

Yes it’s real

Their lack of respect 

Trust your neglect

And learn to be cold

To rob what they sold

They’ll feed off your youth til your old

And before the right time

You’ll have lost your right mind

And all the stars of your dreams 

Will be falling

And the silence will abound

On the phone you lost and found

But still not a friend 

Will be calling. 

The Escape Goat 

The Escape Goat 
I used to be a scapegoat

But escaped before I ran

I fell into my eyes

Back into dreams and hope again

If you escaped from shattered rage

If you’ve come thru on your own

If you can pinpoint who you are

Beyond ancestor’s broken bone

Then you need not be a slave

To another persons pain

Or a trash can for their toxins

Or the black thing in their brain

A monster they unleash 

Or else it turns on all of them

Whatever sanity you keep

Will just bamboozle you again.  

I used to be escape goat

But that’s before I ran
And then I just kept running

And running here again

But now I feel like stopping

And I think I finally will

To master all this motion

With the Kung fu of the still. 

You Can’t Blame The Betrayed 

You can’t blame the betrayed. 
My favorite line on the new Sleaford Mods record. English Tapas. Song is B. H. S. 
In that one line. An anthem

In that one line. 

A revolution. 

In that one line. A way to wreck evil

Can’t you see it?

I can. 

I can see it clearly. 

You can’t blame the betrayed. 

How true is it?

I think it’s very true. 

Guys 

Lighten up

Just having a little fun spooking the bullies 

😛🤡😛🤡

The Truth Is 

The truth isYou did kill the guy you were trying to murder

The truth is

He is dead and gone

The truth is

You won. 

The truth is

I’m not him

The truth is 

I was sent by him

The truth is

You’ll spend the rest of your days wishing you had lost

The truth is

You’d be much better off if he was still here. 

The truth is

The one he sent

Will be a very big problem for you

The truth is.