The Mainstream Of Narcland Has Arrived
I needed a psychic break writing about npd. I needed a break thinking about it.
The whole thing sometimes breaks all over me like a wave from some ocean of nightmares.
The pain in my neck was also driving me to the brink. (Side note. Saw a chiropractor. Had like five upper vertebrae impacted from a skateboard thing. He fixed it with a cracking of five knuckles in my spine like the wind from a spirit fist (sorry. Couldn’t resist) some other adjustments
And it seems like the black rabbit was more than one kind of omen. He said I could train again right away. The more the better. I asked him if the spine thing was an age thing. He said nah and shook his head like you’re joking. And like that my dreams alive)
But after deleting the first part of the echomaze I felt like I just might need a break from the writing.
Does what he did.
And it’s like. I can’t help it.
Because for me
The cognitive dissonance in this thing still hits. (Less and less all the time but)
You start to even question the validity of the whole npd movement and then
He displays it
And now the country is literally held hostage by it.
We are all under narc attack by Trump. It’s wild to see (and no one argues. Would he even at this point?) that he’s npd to the bone.
And that narc rage caught on film. The wild blindness he has coming together with that very fragile narc ego which was wounded and then raged itself into oblivion.
This is what happens. This is the final ordeal. The reveal. They all reveal and then whitewash away back into nonexistence
He’s done it several times already. More than we can count. And the racism was evident in the primaries. I saw this kind of hate all the way back then. We all did. We all just do what victims of this shit do. We normalize it. We go along with it minimizing it. And then it persists. But like with any other beast it needs constant feeding. And the stakes and the slights are ever increasing. Is it possible for a whole nation to be bullied by a narc? Apparently so far it wildly is. How much further will it go?
Who can say? I can’t imagine the nation can stomach this latest debacle. But how many times have we said that already?
I for one am looking on with eager eyes because he’s put himself in a place where to not back down will be suicide. But I don’t think he will be able to back down. Who knows?
A narcs weakness is they can never admit fault. He could make this go away if he could. He could do a press conference right now and say it clear, what the nation needs to hear. But for him to do that would be admitting somehow he might have been wrong. They can’t do that. Shall be interesting to see. Plus Ivanka will be ruined if she doesn’t speak out against her father, which if she does, well…
I mean we got ourselves a soap opera worthy of Shakespeare lady’s and gents.
The other interesting thing is
how on top of the whole world
now narc speak is.
I mean it’s (not so) quietly just entered the public in bonkers new ways.
Namely the way narcs say shit without saying the shit they’re actually saying. We all know what Trump was really saying. But on the surface he said white supremacist and fascists were “bad” so…
So I guess what I’m getting at is the correlation with the whole npd movement and what’s happening in Trump land right now is stunning.
The display of it. It’s the front page of the world. A narc collapse.
Equally stunning is how npd/narc conversations are still fringe in the actual world. Like how if you bring this shit up in the actual world people are still trained to act confused. It’s like the program in the matrix is short circuiting on trump.
I’d imagine that’s set to shift very soon.
The mainstream of narcland has arrived. (Copyright)
I’m gonna go box now in the mountains. 🥊🌎🌞
Going To The Places That Scare You
Yesterday I pulled into a mountain town an hour outside of aspen and found a great room at a low rate and excitedly set up my shop for the next few days. Excited because I’ve been dealing with a pinched nerve and all the movement on the road is making it tough to heal. Plus typical road shit. Exhaustion etc. being out in the cold and cruel world on your own and all the time to “think” that that brings. Will send you either into or out of your mind real quick. Some days it’s touch and go. Like you know. …How it is with everyone.
But yesterday I woke up and it was particularly rough. The physical pain I mean. The wearing down of morale on the road can happen at the best of times. Add in a pinched nerve for a month and we’ll… let’s just say your stamina gets tested.
I let myself cave into the defeat actually. I had resisted it and resisted it but finally yesterday morning I just said “fuck it!”
And then prayed.
Please take this pain away so I can train again.
I miss training so bad.
I let myself go full victim.
Which lasted about an hour and then I decided to change it around.
Motivational clips on YouTube. Les Brown has amazing talks which can really motivate. I did deep breathing work the whole time just about. Just breathing in courage sobriety forgiveness mercy. Breathing out the same. Making mantras and putting myself in a trance of positivity while trying to reprogram my subconscious mind.
That’s the key and believe me the opposing team knows this very well indeed. Spooky. They are.
In this regard.
The whole drive I just wanted to get away from reporting on npd again. Regretting much of how I went about it the first time. But among that chaos I got enough of it right. And let’s just say when you address darkness as directly as I did in previous posts. Darkness responds. And it’s pretty fucking spooky when it does.
I’m actually getting a glimpse inside this thing that id really rather not see. Just how off the reservation this thing goes. It’s out there.
The nutshell of the thing I think is this.
If I’m gonna give up on life then you should too.
And I guess it’s like this as well
The people most enthusiastic about life become most enthusiastically hated by these types.
I packed into my new room by the mountain. The mountains I had been driving thru all day as I was doing that deep breathing work. Remembering what the Buddhist say about aligning your spirits with the elements or things like mountains. So I actively started visualizing the power of the mountains coming into me. Grounding me. As the motivational YouTube clips pummeled my subconscious with positive reinforcement.
You have to remember that this life is a battle for your spirit. But you can drive it to the light.
I got in my room. Took an epson salt bath. Meditated and then decided to employ Pema Chodron.
Don’t make me bust out Pema
She’s the heavy hitter.
I knew I needed to move. This injury was done getting the better of me. If it means I have to go walk for two hours then so be it. And that’s basically what I did. Probably more like an hour. And in a loop around two hotels by mountain.
With Pema the breathing work elevates into something quite a bit deeper. Quite a bit more healing.
Again it was the angels of YouTube which led me there. But it was a workshop on going to the places that scare you.
Which finally arrives at breathing into your feeling of guilt and shame. Breathing it all the way into your heart. Not resisting it. And when you breath it in. You also breath in the fear guilt and shame of all sentient beings. And then when you exhale. You exhale compassion and forgiveness and space for yourself and for all others who feel this way. This way which we all feel. At times anyway. Like we can’t be redeemed. Like our mistake is too wide.
I breathed that in. Straight into my heart and then I breathed out forgiveness. I kept walking and kept breathing. Slower and deeper. More and more opens . More and more forgiveness. Don’t resist the pain. Understand that it is simply energy. Which you can transform. The process does it for you. You have to just be brave enough to do it. Like jumping in a freezing pool. It’s hard at first.
As I walked the loop I noticed a black rabbit. Just standing there. Or sitting in my path. I had never seen anything like that. I took a picture from across the road as not to scare it but just kept walking my loop. Breathing in the shame. Breathing out the space. For myself and for others.
(Sidenote. This stuff has the danger of making one come off as morally superior but frame it this way instead. You are suffering and these are really smart and tried and true ways of actually dealing with the suffering. Really it’s not a moral issue so much as a scientific one but yeah it also means you have to open your heart to compassion and forgiveness and that seems to be beyond the call for many. )
If you’re lucky enough for that not to be the case for you then these breathing meditations are really really amazing.
The next loop I approached the black rabbit 🐰 from the same side of the street and had my camera out. Went right up to him and he just stayed there still as a statue. Shaking a little. I said. Hi. And snapped a few more photos and kept walking again.
The next loop he was gone.
Three loops later I saw him on a ledge.
The breathing stuff worked. I felt elated. I felt my center return. And I felt a new sense of growth and healing in that I had managed to convert back to my center from this defeated place. I realized it was all down to discipline and the refusal of letting that go.
I looked up black rabbit symbolism when I got back to the room and here’s what I found
“Basically, the point of all that rambling is that rabbits are hard to catch; and black rabbits are even harder to catch. When you dream that you sight or that you catch a black rabbit it means that you have finally found the answer to a question that has been eluding you for some time. You have finally figured out something that you needed to know for a while and you have finally got a grasp on things yourself. This could be the type of thing that took you a long time to figure out or it could be the type of thing that you found the answer to relatively shortly. But either way, I was a question that had been vexing you and you finally found the answer.”
Where I’m at now.
I’m at a place of moving on. A place of healing and reaching for peace. And sort of touching it from time to time. Even in the haze of this public violence. That can’t help but notice I brought. Even tho from inside it didn’t feel like that. From inside it felt like I was fighting for my life and my sanity and even to save my family. In spite of outward appearances (I suppose that depends on what kind of eyes are looking in) I am clear that I was also and am also very much primarily motivated to help. That too is simply common sense for anyone who has any faith in karma or the basic tenets of the twelve step movement.
My healing, recovery, life requires a great deal of discipline still which is no real bummer. It’s actually kind of nice. As if life itself has become this kind loving but stern coach which isn’t just being brutal for the sake of it but towards much needed development and growth. The results of which are evident. So it’s no bummer. It’s just teaching me how to live. How to be somewhat whole. How to stay out of the holes. It’s not a party but there’s fun in it. Namely the fun of seeing your dreams being realized and not feeling powerless about that. But rather understanding you can in fact create your own destiny. So when your discipline brings you into states of mind such as that, you can see how sacrificing some typical bullshit ain’t the biggest of deals.
All that being said my work in trying to help others heal and identify. Or identify and heal from emotional abuse is far from done. My work healing myself from it is far from done. This has been a complete breaking open of my false identity into my true essence and that’s wonderful. But I regret the ugliness of it and I feel weighed down by it. Attached to it. Unable to simply just walk away from it. When it was all just trapped in my own three pound universe. A cacophony of chaos, fear regret worry. And paranoia. Healing would have come very slow if at all. The ironic part of airing it out is I aired it out. But a written account just lingers and lives on. I want to reformat it. Edit it. Structure it. Take the ugliness out of it. To the degree I can. And I want to apologize for that ugliness to the degree that I can. And then I want to move on. To the degree that I can. I intend to keep posting about the process of recovery. I will also repost old posts in more measured way. In keeping with the control on my emotions and peace that this recovery has brought. Surviving trauma is no easy thing. Sometimes we underestimate the effects such trauma can bring. I’ll be able to do more from this point on if I cut the chains on the past now. Now is the time to really become who I’ve been put here to become. It’s time to let go of the past. And really do the work of making this world a more beautiful place.
I really appreciate all of your comments of love and support. That really has made all the difference. They have not been lost on me at all. Namaste.